"I thought the slump in our sex life and lack of intimacy was normal for our life stage and that it would pick back up again."
All betrayals are painful, but some are truly devastating. A reader shares her story of deception, heartbreak and recovery.
I fell madly in love with my husband in my early 20s. We’d grown up in the same village in Hertfordshire and went to the same school, but it was only after we’d both finished university and were living back in our home town that I really noticed him.
My sister was dating one of his friends and gradually we became really close, probably because we were at the same stage in life, starting our first jobs. Our friendship soon blossomed into a relationship.
Things moved quickly after that and it was all so exciting. We bought a home, then we were engaged, got married and within four years we had two children: a girl and a boy. We had no money, but we had fun travelling around the UK and spending time with our families. I was so blissfully happy. I loved that my husband and I were such a good unit. Everyone called us the perfect couple.
All I’d ever wanted was a traditional family set-up of my own, especially as my own parents separated when I was 12 when my mum cheated on my dad. Although I am still close to both my parents, at the time it tore our family apart. So when my dad moved on and met my stepmum, I grew to love and trust her. She’s 16 years younger than him, just nine years older than me, and she became someone I could talk to about anything.
Time flew like it does when you have a young family. I was a stay-at-home mum, spending my days looking after two tiny babies, and he worked long hours as a project manager. I thought the slump in our sex life and lack of intimacy was normal for our life stage and that it would pick back up again.
But it didn’t. I found myself doing a lot more on my own with the kids, and he didn’t seem to want to spend any time together. I tried to talk to him, asking if he was depressed or if there was a problem at work, but he would deny there was anything wrong at all. Still, I explained it away as a blip.
Then, one Friday night in 2016, he came home from work and, as usual, we put the kids to bed together and settled in on the sofa to watch something. But then, he turned to me and told me he didn’t love me any more and he was leaving. It was so emotionless, I couldn’t believe it. Our youngest was only a few months old and I thought we were just taking our time to adjust to our roles as parents of two.
There was no “I love you, let’s work through this”. He walked out that night and never came back.
I was in bits and rang my stepmum, the person I always called when things went wrong. Strangely, she didn’t pick up. I then called my mum, who came round and was as shocked as I was. But when you have two children to look after, you just have to get on with it, and I did.
The weekend passed and I had no idea where he was. My stepmum called me back and told me not to worry, that he was probably in a bar somewhere drinking and would be back soon.
He finally called me on Monday and I picked up quickly, desperate for answers. But he’d only called to tell me he was taking his wedding ring off and that I should do the same.
Then I got a call from my dad and he sounded off – I asked if he was okay. He told me he wasn’t and that I wasn’t going to be either. That’s when he told me that his wife, my stepmum, who had been in my life and cared for me for 20 years, had been having an affair with my husband.
My husband started calling me at the same time and when I accepted the call, he admitted that the affair had been going on for a year.
I was in complete shock, and completely broken.
They’d always got on and would spend a bit of time alone together, but I always saw it as platonic. When we’d go on family holidays, they would often be the last ones up, and I knew there had been a couple of times when they had been in the hot tub alone. My sister brought up once that she thought it was a bit odd, especially as she’s attractive – she’s petite, in good shape and has long brown hair – but I just thought it was nice that they got on. It never occurred to me they would betray me like they did.
My dad and I didn’t really have the strength to lean on each other. Instead, he would come over every night to help with the kids and we’d just sit on the sofa in silence with a cup of tea, as we didn’t know what to do. I was so devastated for my dad. He’s a lovely, loyal man.
There are so many tainted memories. The one that horrifies me most is a trip we took to Peppa Pig World, of all places. My husband, the children and I had one room and my stepmum, who came without my dad, had her own room. After we put the kids down, my husband nipped out for a bit – I can’t remember why, but, in hindsight, he was obviously with her. They would have known that I wouldn’t leave our sleeping children, so they wouldn’t be caught. It’s so messed up.
I was in shock for about a year, despite lots of counselling. I was exercising a lot and had no appetite. Our beautiful house that my husband and I had lovingly decorated together was put up for sale. I had no job.
I hit rock bottom in Christmas 2017 after dropping off the kids with my ex and seeing my stepmum. I just thought, why is this happening to me? Why have I not got my kids or husband with me at Christmas? I’d lost everything and had no grip on life or what the future was going to hold. I’d been removed from my perfect family and my stepmum had taken my place. I spent Christmas by myself, in a pit of despair I couldn’t see a way out of.
Slowly, though, I began to realise I could take some control over my life and pick myself up. I started dating a little bit, but nothing stuck and I realised I probably wasn’t in a good enough place to start a relationship.
After a couple of years, when I was feeling more myself, a friend set me up with a colleague, who I became friends with first before we became romantically involved. He’s amazing; a really patient and understanding person, and he loves my two kids.
I have next to no communication with my ex or stepmum now, who are still together and have a house but never married. We have set drop-off and pick-up times for the kids, so the only time we’re in touch is via text or email to say if we’re taking the kids on holiday. There’s no co-parenting. If I rang him now, he wouldn’t answer the phone. He acts like I don’t exist.
It’s the strangest thing to be ignored by someone that you were married to. I have to remind myself that we were ever married – that’s really important to me because it was a massive part of my life and for my children, too. Even though he really hurt me, I loved him a lot.
If he had cheated with anyone else, I know I would have forgiven him and found a way to work through it, because I value marriage so much and think vows are really important. The children, who are now 10 and 12, want to talk about the family unit they came from too.
Even if they both felt their connection was undeniable, there are ways they could have ended their relationships that wouldn’t have been as destructive as what actually happened. My stepmum claimed to love and care for my children like a grandmother, but then split up their home. It’s the one thing I never wanted for my family. It broke me and it took everything in me to piece my life back together.
Nine years on, the fallout from the affair is still there. My children spend two nights a week with their dad, and not being with them all of the time is difficult. They have to live with parents in different households and their family will never be what it used to be. Affairs have a way of impacting families for generations to come.
I did get a happy ending of my own though. My partner and I are married now and have a child together. The five of us are a really strong family unit. He treats all of the children exactly the same. I value that family time above all else.
– As told to Emily Craig