Modern etiquette: Is my nose job a disgrace to feminism?

Does cosmetic surgery fly in the face of feminism? Photo / 123RF

Opinion

I consider myself a feminist, but I want to get a nose job. Am I letting down the sisterhood? - Strained about my Snout, Auckland

There's a misconstruction out there that feminism is all about not caring about your looks. Some even believe it's about man-hating. Neither of these things are true.

Feminism is about equality. It provides a woman with the option - and the right - to do
as she pleases based on her own choices.

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While some might argue that getting a nose job to make oneself more aesthetically pleasing is anti-feminist, unless a man is pressuring you "fix" your face, it's not. In fact, changing the way you look "just for you" can even be considered a feminist move. You're ensuring you maintain the rights to your own body. You are doing with it what you wish, based on your own personal choices.

If a nose job will make you happy, you're not letting anyone down - neither the sisterhood nor yourself. Just make sure you're in charge of your decision to do it, and you consider all of its ramifications.

Some friends-of-friends moved to town a few months ago and have joined our friendship circle. We really like them, but obviously we have no history. Do we invite them to our wedding? - Nutting out New Friends, Wellington.

The tricky business of wedding guest lists. Photo / 123RF

Are you afraid that your long-standing school friends might be a bit miffed at the concept of newly-minted mates, or do you worry about continuing to see your new friends after the wedding they weren't invited to, and trying to keep your special day on the down-low?

If it's the former, put those worries behind you. Who you invite to celebrate your nuptials with you is your own business. You are free to invite - and exclude - whomever you choose. Are these new friends likely to be around for years to come? If so, don't worry about the lack of history. Weddings are about the future, not about the past.

If it's the latter, you need to apply some sensitive modern etiquette to the situation. If you don't want to invite these new friends, but will continue to hang out with them socially, don't ignore the fact your wedding is coming up when you're around them. They may be wondering if they're getting an invite, so tackle this head on. Tell them up front, in person, that you're on a budget and cannot invite everybody you'd like to.

It would be considered terribly poor form to ignore their non-invitation altogether and continue to be social with them like a wedding isn't taking place. Furthermore, while some believe it's permissible to invite "second-tier friends" to the reception only, but that's just as big a kick-in-the-face as not being invited at all.

Instead, ask them to a double-date "celebration dinner" at a restaurant at a later time. This sends a clear message that you're not snubbing your new friends, and you do genuinely like them.

My friend keeps in contact with my ex-boyfriend. Is it okay to tell her that I don't want her talking to him? - Justifying being Jelly, Auckland

Do your friends hang out with your ex? Photo / 123RF

Unfortunately for you, you don't have any control over this situation. You can't tell your friend who she can and can't hang out with. This only does negative things to your character because it shows you're insecure and jealous. These are not very desirable traits for anybody to have.

You may be insecure/jealous, but you're better off working to mitigate these feelings, rather than fuelling them by making unreasonable demands.

In saying that, it is perfectly acceptable to tell your friend the fact she keeps in contact with your ex makes you uncomfortable. Then, you're just being honest.

Tell her you would never ask her to stop talking to him, but you need her to know how you feel. This will, potentially, see your friend be more sensitive around the subject of your ex, and hopefully will stop her even mentioning that they are in contact. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

While that isn't a good mantra to adhere by in life, in unavoidable circumstances it is often better to suck it up, accept you have no power to change things, and just change your attitude around the situation to make it more bearable.