Modern etiquette: How do I refuse a handshake?

You can't really say no to a handshake. Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

I hate shaking people's hands. Is it bad form to refuse? - No Joy for Germs, Tauranga.

Bacteria is everywhere. It's on every keyboard we touch, every elevator button we press, every weight we pick up at the gym. There's no escaping it, so unless you're going to live in a bubble and never touch anything outside of your own home (or wear latex gloves everywhere), refusing to shake somebody's hand is pointless. And, of course, it's so discourteous that your social and professional lives with both eventually suffer for it.

It's likely your fear around shaking the hands of others is a form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) brought on by unjustified anxiety about catching something from someone else. Realising this and accepting your fear is an important first step in getting over your hand-shaking aversion.

This doesn't mean that accepting you have this fear is going to make it go away. It will eventually lessen it, however. While psychiatrists promoting the cognitive behavioural therapy school of dealing with OCD (and related problems) will tell you to ask yourself "what evidence do I have?" for your fear of catching an ailment or illness from shaking someone's hand, from a non-psychotherapeutic point of view I'm just going to advise you just to carry hand sanitiser with you everywhere. It isn't the most effective way of killing bacteria (medical professionals usually agree nothing beats hot soapy water), but it will put your mind at ease after every handshake.

However, apply some basic etiquette after each shake. Do not immediately reach for your hand-san as soon as you've retrieved your palm from the sweaty fingers of another. It's quite the insult. Instead, wait a minute or two, then turn away from the crowd and squirt on your bacteria-killing solution while nobody is looking. Another option is to apply it under your desk, or simply excuse yourself and go to the loo. Lather, rinse, and repeat with every new handshake.

My friend married someone I don't like or have any respect for. Believe me, I've tried. The guy is just rude to everyone around him at all times, including my friend. How do I deal with this situation? - Mental about my Mate's Marriage, Auckland.

It's not easy when you don't like your pal's plus-one. Photo / Thinkstock

In life, we have to accept that we can't be friends with everybody. I gather you've made every effort to befriend your pal's husband and nothing has worked. Now even plain civility seems to be trying for you.

You shouldn't interject in your friend's marriage and tell her you don't like or approve of her new spouse. That's a sure-fire way to lose a friend. Instead, you must accept she has chosen someone that makes her happy (for now, at least). If your friend's husband truly isn't respectful of his new wife, it's likely their marriage will collapse someday. Then, you can be a shoulder to cry on.

But don't count on it. That's not what good friends do. Instead, ensure you continue to cultivate your friendship and see your friend one-on-one: for coffee dates, the occasional cocktail, a run in the park or a yoga session, and so on. And don't forget to "keep in text".

Just because somebody gets married, doesn't mean they are forever chained to their spouse. Everybody needs their own friends, as they are important in continually ensuring some semblance of post-nuptial independence.

Either avoid dinners or other situations where your friend will bring her beau, or just try to block out his rude behaviour and focus on having a good time with the person you're actually there to see.

My husband still texts while he's driving. I tell him it's illegal all the time, but he can't help himself. How do I convince him to stop? - Driving Dilemma, Auckland.

It can always wait. Photo / Thinkstock

The US telecommunications company AT&T recently launched a fantastic campaign to get people to understand the real dangers of checking your phone while you're behind the wheel. The campaign message is simple: "no email/post/glance/search/text is worth a life", because, put simply, "it can wait".

Show your husband this series of videos on YouTube. It's powerful stuff. It makes you realise that even an urgent message from your boss isn't worth the risk of picking up your phone.

Subsequently, re-remind your husband every time he gets into his car and hears the bing of his iPhone that "it can wait". The consequences of checking his phone are too grave, and he needs to remember these consequences every day. Tell him you also need reminding from time to time, too, so it doesn't seem like you're a nag. Together, you have a good chance of changing his behaviour and making the roads safer for everybody on them.