Modern etiquette: Help! I don't want to be more experimental in bed

Acknowledgement is the vital thing to get you started. Photo / iStock

Opinion

My partner wants me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I'm not keen. How do I make sure both of our needs are satisfied without letting him down or feeling uncomfortable? - Not Budding in the Bedroom, Whangarei.

Your partner's request that you mix it up between the sheets is an obvious message that he's not satisfied with your current sex life, and is likely trying to do anything he can think of to change that. Identifying there's a problem is the first step, so you need to acknowledge this verbally with him.

Sit down and have a chat about your sex life, and ask him what he thinks is good about it, what he thinks could be improved on. Then do the same yourself. The concept of such a conversation is scary in theory, but in practice it'll be more liberating than you currently imagine.

You don't have to come up with a plan to "fix" your bedroom issues straight away. As noted, acknowledgement is the vital thing to get you started.

Then work through what you both want out of your sex life. Ask him what "experimental" means to him, because it's a bit of a cop-out for him to not explain what he really means. It's a blanket term that could involve anything from a few unfamiliar positions here and there, to things that would even make E.L. James blush.

Once you have a particular activity in mind you can discuss your comfort level with that. If you're not comfortable, remember that's completely fine - you just have to say so. But, don't just leave things there and go back to your boring old ways. Figure out something new to try; something you're both comfortable, happy, and excited about.

This process will need repeating, and there will be things that work, and things that don't. That's what an evolving sex life is all about, right? I can't think of anything more "experimental" than that.

My friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid but I really don't want to. Can I quit as a bridesmaid? - Bad Bridesmaid, Auckland

Renege on the promise of being a bridesmaid, rather than simply declining when first asked. Photo / iStock

We can only assume you accepted when asked in the first instance, which is difficult not to do when you're taken by surprise and put on the spot. So, let's deal with how to renege on the promise of being a bridesmaid, rather than simply declining when first asked.

You should first try and understand why you don't want to, because it's probably for one of two reasons. Either you don't like the person enough/don't feel close enough to them to be a bridesmaid, or you don't have time/don't want to go through the stress of helping organise someone else's wedding. Figuring this out is key to your approach with the bride.

If you reason is an interpersonal issue, tell the bride-to-be (in person or phone, not over any form of e-communication) that you're excited about the wedding, but think she should choose another bridesmaid as you don't think you deserve to be up there with her.

When she says "don't be silly" (she will), make it all about you, not her. Emphasise that you don't feel you're the right fit for her bridesmaid team. Say you're not in a place where you can give her the time and attention she deserves. Then ask, "Is there something else I can do to help make your wedding special"? This will help lessen the blow.

If your reason is administrative or pressure-related, just say so up front. Again, make it all about you. Say you're struggling to stay afloat right now and really shouldn't take on any extra responsibilities. Say you can't manage your calendar right now and are already seeing some of your existing commitments suffer. Say you can't afford it (the dress, the bachelorette party, the bridal shower, it all adds up and bridesmaids usually end up paying).

Whatever your reasons, lay them on thick. Then, use the "can I do anything else?" offer, again to ensure the bride doesn't feel like you're rejecting her.

Whenever I try and organise a dinner party or even a night out with a group of my friends, more than half of them always already have other plans, even if I try and "book them in" weeks in advance. Am I doing something wrong? - Friend Wrangler, Wellington.

Tell your wider circle when and where you'll be, and keep the option open for them to come. Photo / iStock

You're not doing anything wrong. Especially at this time of year, people seem to be endlessly busy and weekends are incessantly occupied. This is often more the case with coupled friends than single friends, but sometimes even single friends seem to be scheduled up the wazoo.

A lot of these people aren't actually as busy as they claim. The just like to keep their options open and are non-committal because "something better might come along".

So, be the something better. Organise one or two reliable friends do go to dinner or out for drinks with. Tell your wider circle when and where you'll be, and keep the option open for them to come.

Chances are they'll turn up, or text you mere hours beforehand "to see if it's still on". When something is definitely happening with or without them, people's internal FOMO usually prevails.