Parties and dinners have different etiquette rules.
Photo / 123RF
Parties and dinners have different etiquette rules.
Photo / 123RF
Opinion
What's the etiquette around taking a bottle of alcohol to someone's house for dinner, or for a party? Can you take a 1/2 full bottle of gin? Do you take your wine home if it doesn't get opened, or is it a gift? - Dubious Diner, Auckland.
Parties and dinnershave different etiquette rules. Let's start with the latter. Ethically, anything you take into someone else's house and present to them is a gift for their hospitality; it's something you owe upon crossing the threshold. If you bring a bottle of wine, it's a mandatory token of appreciation. You shouldn't even expect to have it opened, either. A good dinner host will have prepared enough wine for his or her guests, and your contribution will be cellared unless the dinner is going so well the host runs out and needs the extra bottle. Whether it be wine, cheese, or chocolate, it's seriously foul etiquette to take it with you (or what's left) when you go home, perhaps made worse if you sneak it back into your bag when your host isn't looking. It's not what a moral person would do. And think of the consequences: the host will probably find out, and then think you're cheap. You'll never be invited back. The only exception here is when the host insists you take home what you brought with you. Resist at first, but cave in upon second push - it's clear they don't want, or need, the leftovers.
Parties, on the other hand, are a different story. It is absolutely okay to bring a half-full bottle of Tanqueray, as long as you also bring tonic, lemons, and arrive with the announcement, "I'm making G&Ts!". Nobody will notice the bottle was open when you arrived, and you've saved yourself $40. If the bottle isn't finished by the end of the party, take it home with you (unless it's just a few millimetres, then you have to ask yourself if it's really worth the slog). Different wine rules apply for parties too, particularly large house parties. You are expected to bring a bottle, and there's 90 per cent chance you'll open it straight away and drink it, unless you get a cup of punch on initial arrival. If you bring more than one bottle, and your party host hasn't been watering you all night out of his/her own pocket, take home what goes unopened. Your host won't get to keep it otherwise - one of the punters that overstay their welcome until 4am will get to it first.
My friend bought concert tickets a few months back and we were supposed to put money into her account, but I never did. She hasn't asked me about it... should I wait for her to, hope she's completely forgotten, or fess up now? - Concert Scrooge, Auckland.
What's more valuable, $90 in your bank account, or your friendship? Trust me, your friend knows you owe her money. Few are laissez-faire enough about their finances to forget such things. She hasn't asked for it because she's polite and values you enough as a friend, she doesn't think she needs to. She might also be, in typical Kiwi fashion, a bit awkward about confrontation - and hesitant about making you (and her) uncomfortable about money. Ethically, it's your friendly duty to pay her back as soon as you can. In terms of etiquette, send her a super-polite email simply saying you're "so sorry it has taken you so long to put the money into her account!". Don't lie Richard Nixon-style and say you forgot; just leave it at that. And offer to stand in line for Broods tickets next time they're in town.
My oldest friend is gay, but won't come out to his parents - even though his sisters all know. How do I convince him to do it? Or should I stay out of it? - Confused about Closets, Wellington.
Photo / Thinkstock
The reality is, most closeted people think they are doing a good job of pretending to be someone other than themselves. It can be devastating to have that realisation shattered by someone else. Coming out is about emotional maturity, which requires people to progress at their on rate and speed. I know people who have come out as teenagers, in their early and late 20s, and even into their 50s. Telling someone they have to come out publically is like sending an angry e-mail to John Campbell telling him to stop interrupting: useless, and they won't listen anyway. Ethically, it's neither your duty nor in the interest of mankind that you convince your friend to tell his parents he is gay, I suspect you're doing so because you'd enjoy the righteousness of always knowing "it was you" who helped him out of the closet. All you should do, in terms of your moral duty, is create a supportive environment in which your friend will have your unwavering closet-door-opening support, if and when he needs it.
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