Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Jealousy will destroy the relationship you care about

If you trust your partner, you need to get used to sharing them with the world and with other people. Photo / 123rf

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Q: My partner has always had lots of male friends, but I get really jealous. I don't want to be this way - and I trust my partner - what can I do?

A: The green-eyed monster, an awful feeling, but just that - a feeling. Jealousy shows up when we are struggling to share something, or someone, we care about. It can lead to all sorts of problems because it causes us to attack or destroy the very thing we care about.

But let's be clear - the feelings are yours, and taking ownership of them is the way forward, and from your question, it seems like you are.

If you're reasonably certain your partner is trustworthy, then the task is to find ways to experience generosity, to get used to sharing them with the world and with other people.

Often jealousy is "easier" to feel than the underlying vulnerability because it makes us attack outwards, which can seem more powerful than feeling scared and anxious.

So allow space for reassurance - when you're feeling jealous lean into the relationship, and use closeness to soothe you.

How? When they get home ask for a hug. And when they're not there and you're in the grip of the feelings focus on observing the feelings as yours, and use distraction to get the intensity down.

It can also help to reflect on why you feel you are prone to jealousy. For many people, it reflects deeper feelings about their "lovability" or self-worth. It can be the case that we think that if we share someone with the world they will inevitably find someone better and abandon us. Sometimes this can be linked to childhood experiences that we haven't grieved or healed from.

Of course, therapy can help with this. But so can a supportive and understanding partner. The main thing is to find ways to talk about all of this in ways that focus on you talking about your feelings, and being as open as you can.

Q: I need to ask for a pay rise, but I have a phobia of talking about money. I avoid it, and it makes me really anxious. How can I change this?

A: Money can provoke strong emotions and reflect many aspects of how we feel about ourselves, our own worth and our ability to be assertive on our own behalf.

In that sense, it can be useful to reflect on what leaves you struggling to ask for more money, and how to address some of those feelings more directly. Objective feedback from a friend or peer at work can help us get the feelings out of the way when it comes to making judgments about what we ask for.

And like with any anxiety it can also be helpful to practise how to ask and what to say. Generally, it's useful just to be frank and honest - "Shall we talk about money then?" and approach it head-on - as opposed to beating around the bush a bit, and end up being less effective and feeling we weren't worth it in the first place.

Q: Is it true that exercise helps with depression? I've tried and it doesn't seem to help.

A: It does help, but I think its impacts can be overstated, partly because it isn't all that helpful if we're feeling low to be told "Why don't you try going for a run?"

It is true that maintaining - or starting - regular physical activity is good for our emotional health. It doesn't have to be training for a marathon or getting shredded at the gym. The main thing is to get our heart pumping and to do it regularly. Starting with a five or 10-minute walk and sticking to it daily is better than nothing.

What won't help is if we exercise while ruminating in our own head about how hard and awful it is - that's just going to reinforce our existing mood.

So try and bring a mindful approach to whatever you do. Pay attention to the present, how your body moves and what you experience while out walking. And notice the good feelings afterwards.