Meghan’s Netflix special sucks all the heart and soul out of Christmas. Photo / Jake Rosenberg, Netflix
Uh-oh she’s at it again. Coo-ee! Over here! Wanna buy some overpriced jam?
Right on cue, as the Prince and Princess of Wales made their glittering entrance at the Royal Variety Show this week, Meghan, Duchess of Montecito, frantically attempted to upstage them with a bizarre trad-wife routine worthy of Stepford.
On this side of the pond, a glorious, glamorous occasion as leading artists, including Katherine Jenkins, Sir Stephen Fry, Jessie J and Madness, performed for free to support their less fortunate peers who have fallen on hard times.
It’s a big deal, a bona fide highlight of the charity calendar – in the diary for months. And yet, that was the moment when the new trailer for Meghan’s (drum roll, puhlease) Netflix festive special dropped.
Clear the schedules, people. With Love, Meghan: Holiday Celebration is hurtling towards us like an icing-sugared Exocet missile. Brace yourselves. Next month, she will be flogging us mulled wine spices, own label fizz and, above all, herself. “As Ever, Meghan,” you might say.
But what a coincidence! Again! It’s extraordinary just how frequently Team Sussex events seem to “clash” with Team Wales appearances. Indeed, Meghan’s launch of her short-lived “America Riviera Orchard Uncle Tom Cobley And All” brand took place on the same day William was due to speak at his late mother’s Legacy Award event.
Talk about synchronicity. Or maybe, on reflection, there’s another, less neutral word to describe it. But timing aside, Meghan’s tone-deaf audacity has reached new heights. In fact, there was something freshly, brazenly breathtaking about the trailer peddling her wearisomely woke Happy Holidays schtick.
At no point did the C-word cross her lips. Not when she was larking about in the Christmas tree lot. Not when she was cobbling together a Christmas wreath from hedge clippings and desperation. Not even when she was laying out elaborate cookies for Father Christmas.
It didn’t work for Tesco with its stupid “evergreen” branding. And it sure as Ho Ho Ho doesn’t work for Meghan. Instead of genuine good cheer, the Suits actress served up a sterile simulacrum of suspiciously flawless baked goods, fake laughter and manufactured emotion.
It was Christmas, but with all the heart – all the soul – sucked out. It’s all about as joyless as coal in your stocking.
Creepily, when it came to the very activities that children love best – decorating biscuits, getting stuck into crafts, even writing notes to Santa, dammit – there was no sign of Archie, Lilibet or even a couple of straight-from-central-casting stand-ins.
Meghan alone hogged the limelight – she wasn’t going to let anyone’s winsome offspring steal her thunder or ruin her display. Yes, we all know our kids’ efforts at creativity are usually a bit rubbish, but here in Britain, nothing embodies true Christmas spirit like a squint paper chain.
It’s the precious three-legged Plasticine donkey, the tipsy handwriting begging Santa for yet another bucketful of Hama beads and those slightly menacing handmade stars – death-dealing Japanese shuriken spring to mind – that will be treasured, wrapped in tissue paper and brought out every year.
That is the stuff of family tradition. Not in Meghan’s gaff, it would seem. She has been quoted as saying that the first Christmas she was invited along to Sandringham with her royal in-laws was “amazing”, and that she enjoyed the “constant movement and energy and fun”.
But that was then. Post-Megxit, post-Oprah, post-Spare, the landscape looks very different. Perhaps, as both Harry and Meghan have largely fallen out with their families, all that remains is the ceaseless search for perfection, which seems quite sad.
Incidentally, Harry makes a cameo appearance in the trailer, blamelessly eating cereal. There he is, zoned out and gazing into the bowl as she performatively sashays over to kiss her husband. It barely registers with him, and it’s just about the most authentic moment in the whole film.
Because authenticity is another crucial element of Christmas. Just watch the grown men tearing up at the unexpectedly moving John Lewis advert, see the kids shrieking in recognition at Asda’s Grinch and the rest of us, myself included, smiling aloud at Keira Knightley’s fabulously knowing star turn for Waitrose.
Heart and humour. Warmth and a sense of wellbeing. Whether it’s Dawn French hamming up M&S picky bits or the BFG affably joining in the festivities, Christmas is about so much more than carefully curated tablescapes and so-tasteful-it-hurts decor schemes.
In her trailer, Meghan spouts on about making guests feel comfortable, and then adds that it’s also about wanting to feel seen. It’s a discomfiting phrase that jars. Maybe it means something different in sun-kissed California, but here in Blighty, it smacks of narcissism. I’ve never heard of anyone wishing to “be seen” come December 25 – unless it’s in their new and extravagantly awful Christmas knitwear.
Even in this regard, Meghan has gone one better with the cover of Harper’s Bazaar US in which she appears to be make-up free. Gasp! To be fair, the naked face look usually takes hours and a shedload of slap to achieve, so hang back on the “so very brave” accolades.
There’s a lengthy interview inside, during which she praises her husband for loving her so “boldly and fully”, and expresses admiration for the former Apache helicopter pilot’s “childlike wonder”. A lot to unpack there. On the one hand, it’s terribly sweet, on the other, quite reductive.
Still, one thing’s for certain: there’s no way Harry’s going to be allowed anywhere near Meghan’s crafting station this happy holiday season.
Sign up to Herald Premium Editor’s Picks, delivered straight to your inbox every Friday. Editor-in-Chief Murray Kirkness picks the week’s best features, interviews and investigations. Sign up for Herald Premium here.