Matt Heath: Why you can relax and pretend it's still summer

Only wimps wear a jumper before August. Photo / 123rf

OPINION

Summer is over. Well not quite yet but very soon. March 20th to be accurate. Soon your life will be all rain, wind and indoor activities. The beach, flip flops and your brutal sunburn will all be distant happy memories ... or will they? Wouldn't it be great to hold on to Jan, Feb and March just a little bit longer? Well, you can. All we need is a few tricks and a little bit of seasonal drift and it can feel like summer all year round.

Only wimps wear a jumper before August. If you want to keep summer going, try looking the part. Don't grab a jacket. Don't put on pants. Acclimatise to the plunging temps in your summer wear. Check out a South Islander in Auckland in the middle of winter. They are the ones sweating up a storm in their T-shirts and shortie shorts.

Meanwhile, the locals dress like they're off to Scott Base. Equally, Aucklanders visiting Dunedin mid-year marvel at the students walking down George St in their league shorts. Happy with bare legs at 5C. Remember you are a human. You are super evolved. You are adaptable. Your core temp stays the same toasty 37.5C. Plus wearing a singy, no socks and the shorts with the netting inside instead of undies all year round is great for the environment. A lot less washing. Also, shivering half to death is a great way to lose weight.

Summer means vehicular asphyxiation. Everyone knows the phenomena. You jump in your car to go to the dairy in the middle of the day. It's a million degrees in there, you burn your hands on the steering wheel, you burn your legs on the seat, you can't breathe, your dog won't jump in, you feel like you are going to die.

It's great and it's easy to replicate mid winter with a little forward thinking.
Half an hour before you drive just nip out to the car and turn the heating on full. Ramp it up to 30 on both sides, get the fans going hard out. If you're smart you can suffocate in your car summer-style all year round.

We tend to go to the beach less in winter. Which means less sand in the house. In the carpet and in your bed sheets. Less sand in your clothes and in the dryer and the washing machine. Less sand on the shower floor. Once again easy to fix.

Stock up on sand for the winter. Apparently it's uncool to steal it from the beach these days. So head to your local hardware store and buy a bag. Pour a little in with your washing, block your bathroom drains with a little more, stomp a little through your house.

Think ahead and you can have annoying summer sand all through everything all year round.

Everyone loves salty summer hair. The surfy look. Harder to get if you're not out swimming everyday. So take the shaker from the kitchen and put it in the bathroom. Spin a little on your head come shower time. It can be summer on your scalp 12 months a year.

It's hard to keep that tan going when it's rained every day for three weeks. But it is possible — with the help of your friendly neighbourhood tanning bed. Sure it's a bit cancery but so is summer.

The trick is to keep your singlet and jandals on in there. For a minimal expense, you can scream in sunburn pain every shower time. You can keep those sweet humiliating tan lines going right up 'til Labour Day.

Summer is leaving us for another year. It's sad. It's a bummer.

But the best way to get through the winter months is to take a little summer with you. So stay half nude, overheat your car, pour sand everywhere and burn yourself alive at a salon.

Those lazy hazy days of summer can still be yours.

Of course, if you live in Auckland, summer goes until June now so stand down. You're fine for another four months.