Matt Heath: Play fights a golden part of childhood

Do children really need piles of cheap plastic hand grenades, swrods, claymores, crossbows and garrottes? Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

I was sitting at the kitchen table on Thursday night happily eating my dinner when without warning my 5-year-old son slit my throat. I was saved only by the fact it was a plastic knife and he was only pretending. Still, it was a brilliant ninja stealth attack.

Before I could wreak my vengeance my other son clobbered me over the head with a rubber dwarf's axe. I was in trouble. I had to think fast. So I dived off my chair grabbing some foam nunchucks as I rolled. Then in one smooth motion I spun, swiping my 7-year-old's legs out from under him. He went down.

But before I knew it, BANG BANG BANG my original attacker pumped three Nerf bullets into the side of my skull. The perfect pincer movement.

A ceasefire had to be called. I'm all for healthy play fights but we can't allow head shots.

My boys' weaponry was impressive. Both had over-the-shoulder bows and arrows, swords down the backs of their T-shirts, plastic assault rifles and foam daggers sheathed in their pants.

It got me thinking. Why do my sons spend most of their time pretending to kill people? Are they just tiger cubs learning to look after themselves or have I accidentally raised psychopaths?

Recently I have met several mums who don't let their kids play with toy weapons. I can kind of see their point. Do children really need piles of cheap plastic hand grenades, claymores, crossbows and garrottes? Probably not. But depriving them won't help. When my boys are away from their armoury they make their machine guns out of sticks.

This is a problem for anti-toy gun parents. Kids will shoot each other with their fingers if they have to.

This is because games with guns and explosions are more fun than games without. Candlesticks isn't nearly as exciting as shooting your friends with the Nerf N-Strike Elite Demolisher 2-in-1 blaster. Humans or more specifically males love fighting.

You can see this in the movies we watch. All my favourites are stupidly violent. Starship Troopers, Robocop, Guardians of The Galaxy, Dawn of The Planet of The Apes and Ironman. Great movies mainly about fighting. Sports-wise, just look how many more people watch boxing than lawn bowls.

Spending all day pretending to kill your friends doesn't make you a bad kid. My heavily armed sons love cuddles, they say their thank-yous and tell their mum they love her every day. The oldest brings me coffee in bed.

They are nice boys who just happen to enjoy stabbing each other in the heart with replica Japanese wakizashi.

I spent half my childhood down at Prospect Park in Dunedin pelting a large group of friends with clods. We ran highly organised mud-throwing wars with generals, privates and clod miners. Each kid had a rubbish bin lid for a shield. The fights were vicious and painful. But none of us grew up to be psychos or even soldiers. All my old friends are now mellow, law-abiding suburban dads.

As you get older you move from pretending to kill your mates to playing contact sports like rugby. Which is really just an organised fight. By the time you have your own kids most of the killing is done to fish.

Having your throat pretend-slit by your 5-year-old is perturbing. But kids need to play their natural games. With boys those games are mostly violent. As Professor Ian Malcolm once said: "Life will find a way." When it comes to boys they will find a way to fight each other whether you like it or not. They will grow out of it.

In the meantime it's a great opportunity for dads to relive their childhood by buying the coolest fake weapons available. Like the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle combat gear. Raphael's sais swords are awesome. As are this season's motorised water pistols and cannons. Toy daggers, bazookas, maces, spears, mortars, flamethrowers - there's really nothing to worry about. Good times for the whole family.