Last Christmas my two young boys got so many presents they became bored opening them. Thirty minutes in they gave up and started punching each other. I was furious. The ungrateful little bastards. Normally they're nice kids but last year my generosity ruined Christmas. They simply got too many presents.
Growing up I had the opposite problem. My sisters and I were lucky to get two gifts and a pair of undies. One Christmas I only got one present. Mum and Dad had promised me a bike on the proviso I got nothing else. But before it was handed over my Dad decided to play a joke on me. He rubbed his hands together and yelled "That's it kids, no more presents, let's make lunch".
No bike for me! I was forced to tip over the tree, hiff my sister's Cabbage Patch Kid out the window and punch the floor for 10 minutes yelling "where's my f***ing bike?". Eventually mum wheeled it round the corner and dumped it beside me, horrified at what a turd of son she had brought up. Another Christmas ruined.
But we can't blame our parents for the low present counts of the 1980s. It was post-war economic protectionism's fault.
For generations New Zealand exported one product, sheep, to one place - the UK. Our little country became rich, which was great. But only because we loaded imports with duties. This centrally controlled economy made cool overseas presents too expensive for most Kiwis.
Until the '70s our balance of payments was healthy but our Christmas stockings were pathetic.
The economy opened up in '84 but the cool presents took ages to trickle through to the tree. As late as '88 Kiwi kids were waking up to half-full stockings featuring nothing but a soap on a rope, a robot thumb-push puppet and a gift-wrapped orange from the kitchen table.
Nowadays our export/ import ratios are horribly screwed. We're borrowing billions just to cover the gap.
On the other hand our Christmas days are awash with crappy plastic superheroes, pointless foam things to throw and awesome Nerf guns.
In 2014 lots of kids are getting too many presents.
Of course not everyone's so lucky. There are plenty who can't afford gifts at all.
Everyday I walk past the City Mission to get to my park on Hobson St. This year the lines are particularly long and grim. Strolling past dozens and dozens of unfortunate folk really puts things in perspective.
If your kids get too much on the 25th, why not take them to see the people who don't?
Don't cruise past blasting Last Christmas out your Q7 on your way to the Franklin Rd lights. That would be rude. But why not make your children feel bad about how good they have it.
As you drive past the unfortunate strugglers yell something at your kids like "you ungrateful little sh*** you don't know how lucky you are. Maybe I'll just cancel Christmas and see how you like it".
When you get home shovel three quarters of the crap round your Christmas tree in a bag and throw it out or donate it to someone.
You'll feel better, there'll be less to clean up and your kids won't disgust you when they get bored opening their mountain of country bankrupting presents.
In conclusion. Make sure you don't give too much this festive season. If we all have a crappy, no-present '80s Christmas, everyone wins.
