On January 1 2021, I invented the infamous 'Potat-no' diet. Today I bring you another revolutionary weight loss concept. A diet so versatile you can run it in conjunction with any other eating plan you've been tricked into. It's called 'No Seconds'.
If you're unfamiliar with, 'Nada Potada' it'san eating regime that removes all spuds from your diet apart from the ones in vodka. I didn't know vodka was a potato-based drink when I created the diet and have been innocently drinking heaps of it over the last few months.
As a result see-through, alcoholic, liquid potatoes are now a go for all potat-bros. Sixty days into the 'Potat-no' diet, I can categorically say the results are unknown to me. I didn't weigh myself at the start and haven't since.
Having said that, if it were working, you'd think I would have noticed some kind of change. Sadly, if we want our rocking bikini bodies by next summer, we'll need to do more than just say 'later tater'. We need something equally easy to follow but what could lower our calorie intake without the need for complex calculations?
The solution came to me while tucking into a third bowl of chilli last Friday night. I thought to myself, 'I wonder if I would be less fat if I had only eaten one bowl of this muck'. Ladies and gentleman introducing the 'No Seconds' diet. New Zealand's most self-explanatory weight loss plan ever. It's also known as 'One and Done' and the 'One Dish Mish'. You simply eat what's on your plate and don't go back for more. Get the 'Refuse Twos' motto tattooed somewhere you can see it: 'You get what you get, and you don't get upset'.
It is also being called the 'Oliver Twist Desist'.
Here's a kilogram-removing thought experiment for you to try. At mealtime, imagine yourself as a 9-year-old orphaned child in a workhouse 70km from London in 1837. You finish your first serving of gruel and come forward trembling, bowl in hand, and beg your master, 'please sir, I want some more?'
You then imagine yourself as the master, metaphorically hit yourself over the head with a ladle and give yourself no seconds. You then put yourself up in front of the workhouse board and sell yourself off to an undertaker for 5 pounds. Simple.
Take a bit of inspiration from Oliver Twist. Photo / Sony Pictures Entertainment
The 'One and Done' diet also prohibits stealing food from your partner's plate. As the saying goes, 'table seagulls make enemies and get fat doing it'. Don't be one.
Eating rubbish is also banned. Kiwi parents often gobble their children's leftovers during clean up. These scraps are the worst kind of seconds. Children refuse to eat anything healthy. They're still growing; they have their whole lives ahead of them, it's okay for them.
An adult, on the other hand, will blow out on bits of frozen Hawaiian pizza, fish fingers, chicken nuggets, yellow-on-yellow pasta, and cheese-impregnated sausages. With the 'No Seconds' diet, you eat what's on your plate and nothing more. In case you are wondering, dessert is also seconds and, as such, illegal. What is pudding but a toxic sugar-infested bowl of shame? One and done!
There is an obvious loophole with 'Negate Plate 2'. You can game the whole system by loading a pile of food like you're at a pay-by-plate buffet. This kind of gluttonous activity isn't in the spirit of the game. Either get yourself a 'one-plate mate' to police your meals or make a pact with yourself to serve normal-sized firsts. You are only cheating yourself.
Let's face it; you didn't reach your beach body goals this summer. What's done is done. Blame it on Covid.
It's time to look to the future. December 2021 is our new goal. You have nine months to deal with your fatness. But how? Simply mix the 'Potat-no' diet with 'Slop and Stop', and you'll be rocking The Rock's body before you know it.
