Matt Heath: Come on passive aggressive Kiwis, let’s say what we really think

Our kids will know where they stand if we tell them plainly to clean up their act, Matt Heath writes. Photo / Getty Images

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OPINION:

Last week an Australian friend of mine who has been working over here for the past year shared her honest thoughts about us Kiwis: “You New Zealanders are nice, I love it here, it’s beautiful, but you #$@%s never say what you #$%&ing mean. You guys think we are rude because we tell it like it is, but at least you know where you stand with an Aussie.”

It took my buddy six months before she realised in New Zealand “I’ll see what I can do” means “I am not going to do that”, and “I should be able to swing by later” means “I am not coming”. She finished her shocking anti-Kiwi rant with: “You guys are lovely but so very passive-aggressive.”

This hurt, mainly because it’s true. We are inclined to avoid confrontation in New Zealand, and when you mix that with feeling constantly annoyed and let down by others you get passive aggression. In my opinion, pass-agg behaviour is weak and counterproductive. It’s a dishonest little trick that needs to be stamped out. No one should put up with rubbish like “per our last email”, “if that’s what you want to do”, or a fake “I’m fine”. If we want a harmonious, productive society, we need to speak directly, clearly and truthfully to each other. It’s time we started saying what we actually mean.

The American military coined the term “passive aggressive” in World War II to describe soldiers who did not comply with superiors’ commands. It was used to identify service members who engaged in passive resistance through grumbling compliance, sullenness, procrastination, or intentional inefficiency.

Outside the military, passive-aggressive behaviour is defined as indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. A pass-agg person who is well aware someone hasn’t done what they were supposed to do might say: “I assume you put the bins out.” If someone is late, they might declare: “We were wondering if you were too busy to turn up.” The correct response to this kind of statement is: “Just say what you freaking mean, you coward!”

The most horrific passive aggression I’ve heard recently came out of my mouth directed at my kids: “I guess I’ll clean up, seeing as you two are so busy on the computer.” I should have said: “Finish your game and clean up please!” That would be a powerful, honest and helpful way to convey my message.

To combat the scourge of passive aggression in my life, I have made a pact with my children; if I employ the technique, they don’t have to comply with the implied command. For example, if I say “I guess I’ll do the dishes, seeing as no one else ever does”, they do not have to do the dishes for a week. If I gripe “maybe one day we will watch something I like”, they get complete control of the remote. If I whinge “I’ll do the washing, it’s not like I am busy”, they don’t have to do it.

Any passive-aggressive comment I make gifts my kids a free pass. These severe self-imposed penalties have forced me to communicate directly. “Do the dishes, please,” or “Give me the remote now, please.” “Do your washing. Your clothes stink, you disgusting little pig.” Everyone knows where they stand. They may or may not do what you tell them to, but it’s clear what I want. Ignoring a whinging snipe is easy; disobeying a clear command is a much bigger deal.

It is in all of our best interests to police passive-aggressive tendencies. If we disagree with what we are asked to do, we should explain why. Don’t do “a go slow”, don’t grumble and backstab. If your partner is out with friends, and you want them home, don’t text: “I hope you’re having a great time with your mates. We were supposed to be hanging out tonight, but I guess you found something better to do.” Instead, keep your self-respect and message: “You said you would be home. You are out - that annoys me.” It’s the same information shared directly and honestly.

A pass-agg comment or act displays weakness; a direct request or action displays confidence.

Passive aggression is the scourge of Kiwi communication. We must fight it wherever we find it. The best place to start is with yourself. That’s why I’m doing my best to express myself directly and openly at home and at work. That’s why I told my Australian friend right to her face: “I’m so sorry our little country is too pass-agg and not up to your big amazing Aussie standards.”