Married At First Sight Australia experts Alessandra Rampolla, Mel Schilling and John Aiken are well aware of the problems couples face when trying to find love.
John Aiken has been a staple of the Married At First Sight Australia panel of experts from the start.
The relationship counsellor, who has more than 30 years’ experience, has watched as more than 130 couples have married a stranger on TV – and then tried to fall in love.
Aiken says the MAFS environment is a microcosm of real-world relationships. So what are the most common problems couples face? And how can the rest of us work through those problems in our own relationships? Aiken tells Bridget Jones what he’s learnt.
How you talk and how it lands is very important. Language is powerful. And whether you’re in an intimate relationship or with a group of friends, how you bring up issues can either bring them closer to you and get them listening – or it can destroy bonds and essentially end relationships.
Of course, some people will lose their temper and say something in the heat of rage and you can give them some grace, and tell them that’s not appropriate. But if you’re consistently hearing that style of communication – they yell, scream, get personal, get in your face, storm out – you start to realise that’s their communication style. When you challenge them on that, often the response is, “They started it” or “They’re not listening, so I’ve got to be louder”.
Social media doesn’t encourage us to have empathy. It really places the person as the hero of their story. It’s an egocentric way of living. Therefore, you’re not really stopping and checking the way that you talk.
Our participants really struggle to get off their planet and on to their partner’s planet.
But I think people also do things because they work. Whether it be at school or in their career or family or with previous relationships, they’ve behaved a certain way, got some sort of reward out of it and been encouraged to keep doing it.
What can you change?
Firstly, bring up the conversation when they’re calm and then really own it. Say, “Hey, when you went at me the other day like that, I felt quite scared, intimidated or confused, unsettled”. And then you say, “In the future, let’s do it this way... Let’s not go down that path”.
You want to hit them between the eyes with those sorts of feelings. When you talk about feelings, that’s when they have to empathise.
Gaslighting certainly wasn’t talked about much. Now it’s in everybody’s vocabulary, turn on MAFS and you get a front-row seat to it.
It is a show that brings relationship and dating principles to life. And one is red flags.
With the rise of dating apps, people are clear about the long list of red flags they have and if anyone shows any sign of something they don’t like, out in the real world they just swipe and move on. Then, they’ll get someone just as pretty or gorgeous, but who doesn’t have that particular red flag.
People are often incredibly closed-minded and have this long list they will not compromise on – because they don’t have to. Because they’ve got a large pool of people out there that they can swipe and move on to.
But it’s becoming harder and harder for them to meet someone because they’re so unrelenting with these standards. Nobody’s going to measure up.
When I ask people why they want to try MAFS they say, “because at least I know the person you match me with might stick around for 10 weeks. Out in the real world, I might get one date and it’s over”.
Our participants talk a lot about first dates as being like job interviews. It’s about money, career, kids, where they’ll go to school, private education, all sorts of stuff.
You can say, “well, I’m not going to settle”, but ultimately, you are always going to be single.
What can you change?
If you’re prepared to be curious, you have a chance at love.
Sit down with your best friend and say: this is what I’m like in relationships, but give me some home truths. Here’s my long list of non-negotiables. Is that holding me back or is that just me having high standards?
A friend will be able to tell you very clearly, “listen, that is not going to work for you. You’ve got some things there that I think you need to hold on to, but there are a lot of things there that are very superficial”.
If you’re going to find somebody, you really do have to look hard at yourself and ask: is what I’m doing working for me or is it holding me back?
Sometimes, you’ll see people who are able to make decisions together. They’re able to compromise, they’re able to share leadership, they have an ability to empathise and to understand where the other person’s coming from. And most importantly, they’re able to let their partner influence them. To say yes rather than no all the time.
Now, on MAFS, you don’t see a lot of that. What you see is power and control, which is: I’m right, you’re wrong. I will lead, you will follow. If you’ve got a complaint, that’s a “you” problem, because I’m the one who is in charge.
You have this constant fighting, like you’re in a boardroom with two CEOs, both wrestling for power.
What can you change?
Where does that need for control and power come from? It might be that they were severely bullied. It might be that they lost a parent. It might be that they moved around frequently when they were young. That there’s some sort of trauma there and so they’ve decided “I’ve got to control my life in a very, very strict way”.
The ones that do well are able to shift power and control. The ones that do badly, don’t.
In private practice, I would say to a couple this week, what I want you to do is say yes to her. Everything that she asks, I just want you to say yes. See what happens.
And it’s like, are you kidding, John? I can’t do that, the sky’s going to fall.
When they come back the next week, he says, actually things went really smoothly. No arguments. We were talking about things we haven’t talked about before. But I still feel like I’m who I am and all I’ve done is let her influence me.
Then you swap it the next week, and then they come back again and they start to realise, you know what? It’s not the end of the world to say yes.
The people really stuck on power and control, they’ll complain about having to parent their partner. And yet they don’t let go of control.
Once you can bring that to light and then allow the person to just play with it and let go of it, you tend to find, okay, we’re still okay if we do that. The world does not end if I don’t have to organise you. I’m going to step out of this role of parenting you and I’m going to let you step into it.
And that comes down to trust, doesn’t it? Trusting that they can and will.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.