Using active listening skills trains parents' brains towards curiosity and compassion rather than fixing and judgment. Photo / 123rf
Dear Meghan: I have an almost-8-year-old daughter who can speak perfectly fine with proper grammar for her age, but she loves to talk in a squeaky baby voice with bad grammar (think: me want cookie). I cannot stand it.
I have tried, “Please use your 7-year-old voice.” I have given a warning and said, “I am not going to respond to you if you use a baby voice.” I have tried things like, “Oh, babies can’t go to trampoline parks, so I guess you will have to stay home with Dad.” After these comments, she will switch back to her regular voice. The idea of having to stay home shocks her enough to stop with the baby voice for a few days, but it eventually comes back.
While this drives me crazy, I am very calm when I discuss it with her. I know it also irritates her siblings, and I don’t want to exacerbate that. She has a twin and an older sibling, but neither of them have ever done this. There are no babies in our household or extended family for her to feel competitive with.
I am guessing this is attention-seeking behaviour, but we spend a lot of time together, both as a family and one on one. We probably spend the most time with her because she is always eager to accompany one of us on regular or random errands while the other two prefer to stay home. We also cook, bake, go on walks and open houses together (she oddly loves them). Thank you for any advice.
Baby Talk: Thanks for writing. I have a couple of questions that feel relevant: When did this begin? Does she only do this with you, or does she use the baby voice with your partner? Was there an event that precipitated the baby voice? The answers to these questions could point toward reasons for the baby talk.
To begin with the good news, it sounds like you are spending some great time with your almost 8-year-old daughter. It’s clear that you understand one-on-one time is important, and you are putting in the work. While it may not appear to be “fixing” this issue, trust me when I tell you it is crucial for your relationship.
If your kid was younger (think preschooler), simply ignoring the voice would probably get her to cut it out. But when you have an almost 8-year-old with these behaviours, you are looking at other issues and have to ask yourself deeper questions. Using a baby voice is fulfilling a need in her, but what is that need?
Because she is almost 8, I strongly recommend using the Ross Greene Collaborative and Proactive Solution (CPS) approach to problem-solving. While annoying, this baby talk problem doesn’t rank as critical or dangerous, so use this opportunity to improve your communication skills with her. I love the CPS model because it is a clear, data-driven, tested approach. There are worksheets you can print out and use, and the objectives are clear.
One reading this may think: “This is reducible; you don’t need to problem-solve this with your kid. Just ignore her or punish her.” However, it’s important to remember that you are establishing respectful communication. You can say to your daughter: “I’ve noticed there’s baby talk when you need something. Tell me more about this.” By listening to her, you open the door to hearing her perspective – as well as challenging your assumptions about the behaviour.
I often find that parents I work with are working off stories in their heads (“I would’ve been spanked the minute I used this voice!”) or possibly wrong information (do we really know why she’s doing this? For a fact, from her mouth?). When you let anxiety, fear or incomplete information take over, you can spin out your parenting wheels and create solutions to problems that aren’t there and/or make the problem worse.
Using active listening skills (such as those in the CPS model) trains your parenting brains towards curiosity and compassion rather than fixing and judgment. With practice, you may find that your children want to connect and learn about your perspective. Listening isn’t just to satisfy the child; it’s also a tool to help your family understand your needs – something parents often push aside.
You can hire a coach, or use Greene’s “Lives in the Balance” website to start you off. Again, this is not a true emergency, so feel free to go slowly, stay open-minded and reward yourself for this work. It’s not easy to change habits! Good luck.