A cat named Klaus has proved himself to be the world's worst third wheel after leaving a man's Tinder date ruined and in the emergency room.
Sydney man Adam explained his nightmare ordeal in an excerpt from Thomas Mitchell's book Today I F***ed Up, detailing how a simple evening minding his date's pet tumbled from bad to worse.
His date Adriana's cat managed to escape the property, prompting a wild goose chase to bring it home before she returned to an excruciating apology. Adam recalled spending hours searching for the wayward feline before finding it hiding under some stairs. Unfortunately, the horror flick that was his afternoon had only played the opening credits.
The cat launched at Adam after he attempted to lead it away with a tin of pet food, attaching itself to his arm and opening wide gashes on his hand.
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"I bent down to pick him up, and that was when Klaus launched himself at me, sinking his claws deep into my right hand. He scratched and swiped, a manic look in his crazy cat eyes as he buried into the flesh," Adam recalled.
The panicked romancer admitted his "gut instinct was to piledriver this meower into the ground", but thought the better of it when imagining how he'd live with himself knowing he murdered his potential girlfriend's fluffy companion.
"Tempting as that was, I knew Adriana would never forgive me if I accidentally-on-purpose murdered her pet. Using the adrenaline coursing through my veins, I sprinted back up the two flights of stairs, with Klaus still attached to my hand," he said.
Adam said his dad took a DIY approach to his wounds after he returned home, opting to superglue the gashes shut and leave him to sleep it off. Shortly after, his hand blew up to double the size as an infection set in.
Doctors told Adam that "we may need to amputate" his hand after he rushed himself to the emergency room.
However, doctors were able to stem the infection and save his appendage after a week in hospital.