Maddy, the media and madness ...

By BILLY ADAMS

EDINBURGH - Those who doubt the old adage that truth is stranger than fiction should have paid a visit this week to a sleepy Scottish village just up the road from Loch Ness.

Dornoch, population 2275, was awoken from its usual midwinter slumber when the Queen of Pop rode into town to get married in a Scottish castle, hotly pursued by the rottweilers of the world's media. Chaos followed. The locals were baffled.

Today Madonna was to marry film director Guy Ritchie, a former public schoolboy related to Diana, Princess of Wales, in the so-called showbiz wedding of the year.

Sporting a stunning cream dress designed by Stella McCartney, Madonna was to read aloud vows she had written herself before the couple exchanged diamond and platinum rings worth £10,000 each. Guests were to enjoy a sumptuous banquet worth £250,000, washed down by another £200,000 of the finest champagne.

Ritchie, whose father and grandfather were officers in a local Army regiment, was to wear full Highland regalia, a kilt in the family's hunting Mackintosh tartan.

At least, according to the fiercely competitive British press, that is what was supposed to have happened. Few hard facts were known in advance of this grand occasion, but that didn't stop the hacks speculating feverishly anyway.

Today's wedding was the culmination of a week when Dornoch entered the realms of fantasy, and lapsed momentarily into madness as the media swelled the local population by more than 50 per cent. For the press it was a story that had everything. Hollywood's A-list decamps to the Highlands, and a Who's Who of British society heads north to share in their joy.

The only problem was that Madonna was going out of her way to make sure they didn't get the full story. Fresh in her mind were memories of her first marriage in 1985 to actor Sean Penn when she complained that the roar of paparazzi helicopters overhead dampened the outdoor ceremony in Malibu.

This week there may have been a more pressing reason to keep the snappers out of sight. It had been speculated that a celebrity magazine had paid £2.5 million for exclusive access to - and more importantly pictures of - the big day, but those rumours were denied by the Material Girl who maintained that one photo would be released to all the world's media.

For Madonna, a wedding in such a remote, beautiful and unknown setting was the ideal way to maintain public interest. Her ability to change with the times and set new trends has been key to her success.

Whatever the reason for the tight security, the extent of the operation to keep prying camera lenses at bay was not in doubt. Three separate security teams headed by an ex-SAS soldier were put in place to patrol the sprawling grounds of Skibo Castle, an exclusive fairytale retreat surrounded by dense woodland which has long been a favourite hideaway of the rich and famous. They covered the estate's 2832ha armed with thermal imaging equipment and night vision goggles. Round the clock guards were put on the castle's several secret entrances and a floodlight erected at the main gate.

Delivery vans - barred from going within sight of the castle - were met at the gates by estate vehicles which collected their goods. And for the duration of the Madonna clan's stay staff were confined to the hotel in a bid to stop unauthorised photos being passed to the press. All employees were issued with new ID cards and warned they would be sacked if any information or photographs were leaked. Three paparazzi made it on to the estate - which has been nicknamed Colditz by locals - but were quickly discovered and ejected.

The local police had never seen anything quite like it. The star's minders apparently asked for a police escort from Inverness Airport to Skibo Castle, only to be given short shrift by one officer. "She might be the Queen of Pop," she is said to have retorted, "but she's not the Queen Mother."

However, the Northern Constabulary, Scotland's smallest police force, have been keen to help. Press Officer Elayne Grimes postponed a Christmas trip to Seattle to deal with the media invasion, and crash barriers were erected for the first time in Dornoch.

Hotel owners and householders around Dornoch Cathedral where the couple's 4-month-old son, Rocco, was baptised yesterday, cashed in as TV networks and newspapers jockeyed for the best positions.

Kilted musicians pounded drums and a piper played jigs. Children swarmed up trees to get a better view. Madonna was elegant in a cream coat with her hair in a chignon. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and singer Sting led the celebrity contingent to wild cheers from the throng. Madonna's family sat on blue-cushioned oak pews made from wood from the Skibo estate. A man, who reportedly disrupted the ceremony three times, was arrested.

The last time there were such chaotic scenes at the 800-year-old cathedral was in 1570 when warring clansmen burned the building to the ground. These days they wouldn't get past security.

Fittingly perhaps, the baptism and wedding were conducted by a female minister who is known in the Church of Scotland as something of a maverick. Nicknamed "Holy Spice," the Rev Susan Brown is the first woman to be put in charge of a British cathedral.

She once wrapped a class of schoolchildren in toilet roll to show that God's love was soft and strong. She was the subject of a police probe after an elderly worshipper reported that she had found a trestle table upturned in the nave and money lying everywhere. Earlier Brown had been preaching about Jesus and the money-lenders in the Temple in Jerusalem. Suddenly she rushed from the pulpit to a table laden with coins, upturned it and scattered the money throughout the nave.

Brown, who has neither bought a Madonna album nor watched a Ritchie movie, is not troubled by all the fuss. "Local folk are largely unfazed. It's just the media that are being so silly."

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Nessie has been keeping a low profile. He probably knew that were he to make an appearance this week, few people would have noticed.