As soon as I finish this glass of wine, I'm going to draw up a plan to lose about 10kg. I once lost 5kg in a week and one child later, cigarettes swapped for chardonnay, exercise for Netflix, I'm convinced that in a week or two I could be svelte once more. FYI, it hasn't worked. I've tried everything - sometimes for a month at a time. So now I have nine months to lose this food baby that nestles cosily on to my lap. How hard can it be?
• Day 2: (Day 1 was making the plan).
Weight: 87kg. Where did 2kg ooze from?
Workout: Walk up the hill and around the block. At least 10km. But, wait, what? Mapmywalk tells me it's only 2.78km!
Meals:
Breakfast: Eggs and toast
Lunch: Home-made vege soup with toast and cheese.
Dinner: We had curry plans: wine, poppadums, more wine, a chocolate icecream sundae and wine. I stayed home and had soup and toast, proud of all the kilos I've lost by not eating curry.
• Day 3
Weight: 87kg
Workout: Walk up the hill and around the block. Still only 2.78km.
Meals:
Breakfast: Cheese toasties.
Lunch: I make a horrifying back-to-school discovery: the three-week-old lunchbox. The lid opens with a squelch, revealing glistening, green-black grossness. Appetite lost. A win.
Dinner: Guests meant chicken, parmesan potatoes, broccoli, peas and corn with gravy and cheese sauce. Wine.
• Day 4
Weight: 87kg. How?
Workout: Walk up the hill and around the block.
Meals:
Breakfast: Skipped.
Lunch: Grapes and tomatoes.
Dinner: Leftovers.
• Day 5
Weight: 87kg
Workout: The stress of being the fattest mother in the school carpark
counts as a walk.
Meals:
Breakfast: Egg and toast.
Lunch: Two Cruskits, grapes and tomatoes.
Dinner: Two wines and dinner at one of the city's top eateries – plus two wines. It got worse: the youngster had baked biscuits but not dinner. I picked up a pizza and shared it with her. (I also ate a cookie, but baking by your kids is made with love, not calories.)
• Day 6
Workout: A five-minute walk to the bus and a five-minute walk to the office.
Weight: 84kg. So all it took to budge a few kilos was no walk and two dinners!
Meals:
Breakfast: One egg. One toast.
Lunch: Sushi.
Dinner: Spag bog.
• Day 7, on a work trip in Samoa
Work trip: Swimming plus hauling myself out of the pool, which counts as 10 minutes of weightlifting. An hour of kayaking.
Weight: 84kg.
Meals:
Breakfast: Poached eggs, bacon and fruit.
Lunch: Chicken and vegetables.
Dinner: Oka, or diced raw tuna with coconut cream, capsicum and tomato.
• Day 8
Workout: A hike. But "So, it's 45 minutes return?" was 45 minutes ONE WAY. I lost a kilo in sweat. I deserved a can of Coke. I couldn't wait to pour that sweet, fizzy, chilled refreshingness down my throat. Belatedly, I thought my driver might like a cold drink too. I learned that self righteousness is a poor slaker of thirst.
Meals
Breakfast: Bacon, eggs and bananas.
Lunch: BLT and chips.
Dinner: Barbecue fish and salad.
• Day 9
Meals
Breakfast: Poached eggs, grilled tomato and fried banana.
Lunch: BLT and chips.
Dinner: Fish cooked in coconut; vegetables.
Workout: Yoga. It looks easy, even graceful. When others do it. I was a sweating, heaving, gasping mess.
• Day 10
Breakfast: Fruit and cereal.
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Toasted sandwiches. Knowing they're bad for me makes them taste worse.
• Day 11
I jump eagerly on the scales. Nothing lost. Nothing gained. I give up.
• Day 12, 13 and 14. Nope.
Tracey gets married. I am fat.
October 2018:
My goal is to lose 20kg by Christmas. A personal trainer says all I have to do is train three times a day. Three times a week? No. Three times a day.
Week 1 workout: Twice-weekly training begins with arms: bicep curls, lifting weights. Crunches, swiss ball sit ups, reverse crunches. I keep a food diary around which she will base our eating regime. She is appalled.
Week 2 workout: Lunges, resistance band lunges, step lunges. Sit ups, crunches, medicine ball slams. Weights and curls.
Diet advice: The PT says to stick with egg and toast for breakfast, salad for lunch, then a dinner of a protein and salad. I learn to make enough dinner salad for it to become lunch salad.
Week 3 workout: 5kg down. I am so convinced the result is wrong I ask the PT to check the scales. They are right. Two days later and mid Christmas celebrations, my home scales show I'm back up again.
Week 4 workout: I'm beginning to hate my PT. Did you stick to your eating plan? Did you exercise at home? No and no. But it's Christmas and it's hot. I suggest we try yoga: I could do shavasana all day. She throws a medicine ball at me. We do bicep curls; we do swiss ball crunches.
January 2019:
I am back at the gym, doing side lunges and frog jumps. This is going to be my year. I know it.
