Let's give heels a good kicking

Emily Blunt criticised the Cannes heels-only rule, but then wore heels. Photo / AP

Emily Blunt is a hypocrite. There, I said it.

She got so close to starting the revolution then she chickened out.

That long shimmery dress couldn't hide them. The moment she started walking we saw them. A pair of high heels poking out underneath. Shame on Emily.

She had said she found it "disappointing" that the Cannes Film Festival bans flat shoes. Oh yes, BANS flat shoes from the red carpet. Not for the men, of course. Just for the ladies.

It's become a bit of a thing because a security guard threw out some women for daring to arrive sans stilettos. Emily spoke up. Everyone should wear flats, she said. Then she didn't wear flats.

Since when did Blunt's opinion matter, you may ask. Valid question. But hey, she came so close to going down in history as that British chick who defiantly let her lady-heels come this close to Cannes' precious red carpet. Because Cannes says lady-heels need to remain at least six inches from said carpet.

Disappointing is a word I'm taking from Emily's mouth and using to describe her.

I admit to a vested interest in this subject. I hate high heels. They're the modern version of bound feet. I can't understand how we've allowed balancing on one end of a short stick to become essential formal attire for women.

Here's a little history lesson. High heels were originally worn exclusively by men. That was yonks ago when middle-aged French men still painted on lipstick and fake beauty spots. Heels were designed for riding, because the stirrup would catch quite nicely in the groove and allow the rider to stand up and shoot his gun. They were never worn for walking about.

You should try squeezing your feet into a pair of strappy shoes that look like they've been constructed from an electrician's wiring leftovers and then trying to cross a steep street. If you lean acutely to the right you should just be able to avoid tumbling the other way down the hill.

Sure, our legs look nice in heels. Muscles look pretty good when they're under stress. That's the idea behind body builders flexing their muscles on stage. Except, we're not on stage and stationary.

If you'd like to know how bad high heels are for women, watch the next one you see tottering around in them. She'll lead with her head. She'll lean forward just a little too much. She'll lift her knees just a little too high. She'll pretty much walk like a pigeon. It's murder for the spine.

I don't want to be born to a gender doomed to carry my body weight on the balls of my feet. I don't want to find myself walking around barefoot on my tip-toes long after I've taken my shoes off because I've grown so used to having Barbie-feet.

So, I'll do what Emily Blunt didn't have the balls to do. I'm gonna take a stand. I declare this week No High Heels Week. Meh, if I get judged as having made no effort in the morning. Stilettos are banned from the red carpet of Parliament for the next seven days.

Keep me honest if you want. I'll post my pictures on Facebook.

Join the revolution.