Lee Suckling: The worst thing you can say to someone going through a divorce

When going through divorce, friends need support and physical presence, writes Lee Suckling. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

If your mid-twenties are focussed on helping your friends go through relationship breakups (and going through your own), your mid-thirties are the time when you start to be called on to support friends who are divorcing.

Even just the word "divorce" sounds mature. It's something that many of us had experience with as children when the parents around us were separating, but we aren't exposed to it so much in our young adult years. Until, that is, it's our generation's turn to start divorcing. Yes, we are now the mature ones.

When you've only ever gone through "regular" break-ups – that is, without any legal ramifications, assets to divide, children and so on – you'd be forgiven for thinking the kind of support you can give a friend who's divorcing is the same as any other break-up.

Yet there is so much more gravity in divorce. Legally, sure, but more importantly, emotionally.

I currently have two separate friends who are in the very early stages of separation and likely to eventual divorce. I'm trying to be a good support network, a sounding board, but my lack of personal experience with divorce often leaves me not knowing what to say or how to act.

As a friend, you might be the first person someone confides in when they are "thinking" about leaving their spouse. This has been the case for both of my mates. They had not done anything yet, but couldn't shake the feeling their marriage was over.

This is, as a supporter, a very tough phase. Sometimes it feels like you're between a rock and a hard place because you're given a sense of power. You can either encourage them to stay in their marriage or support their leaving.

Yet, as the friend, doing either are lose-lose situations for you. Unless there is physical or emotional abuse in the marriage (in which case, encouraging a friend to leave is always the right thing to do), having an opinion on the state of someone else's marriage is not your place.

Perhaps these thoughts of divorce will pass and your friend is in a marriage rut they will resolve. Or maybe divorce is imminent, and you can see that from the outside. But more likely, you just don't know. All you should be doing, in either case, is enabling your friend to make their own decisions. Never allow your own judgement on their marriage to seep through to your advice.

The shame of perceived failure is an emotion that can run deep with people when it comes to divorce. When you make "till death" vows, you genuinely believe them. Letting go of a "marriage that was" – and admitting to yourself that it doesn't have a happy future – can come with a deep feeling of inadequacy about something you thought you had a tight grip on. Reiterating to a friend that divorce is not a personal failure is vital. It's circumstantial because people and their relationships change over time. Marriages are sometimes casualties of this.

I've found being a form of physical support is the best thing you can do. By that I mean, be the person your friend can hug, and can cry with. Be the person with the always-open couch if your friend needs a place to stay during the separation process. Be the person to bring over a cooked meal or a bottle of wine. Be the person who helps them pack and move out. Divorce is lonely and isolating, but you as the friend can make it less so. Be THAT friend.

Emotionally, what else can you do to support? Don't reiterate tales of ugly divorces, compare divorces to break-ups, show pity or ask for too many details on why the marriage is ending. Keep inviting your friend out even if they always say no. Your friend may retreat from their social life, but one day, they will feel like saying yes again. Also remember the important days that may trigger sadness (birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's, etc) and reach out on those days specifically.

You are most valuable as a supporter of a friend who's divorcing if you learn to listen. Really listen. Be as fair and impartial as possible with any advice, and help them come to their own conclusions, set their own goals, and find their own "happier" place.

And last, it is critical you don't trash their spouse. Not at any stage of a divorce. It's tempting because it feels like a show of support in the moment. However, hating on someone when they're in the process of being "exed" can easily turn your friendship sour. If your friend works it out with their spouse, who's the bad guy? You are. Avoid this at all costs, and you'll see that supporting a friend through divorce can not just be a great help to them, but also feel rewarding to you, too.