Kyle MacDonald: My husband and I sleep in separate rooms, should we be worried?

Is sleeping is separate beds the beginning of the end of a relationship? Photo / Getty

Mind Matters psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald answers your mental health questions.

Q My husband and I started sleeping in separate rooms when the kids were little, and now a couple of years later we still largely are. We have an OK sex life, and are both happy with it. But a couple of my friends are horrified and think it is the beginning of the end of our relationship. Is it a bad idea, should we be worried?

A An image comes to mind, the 1950′s sitcom bedroom where two adults tuck themselves into bed, fully covered in long pyjamas and nightdresses, in separate single beds, a nightstand with a lamp in between.

Strangely, this was due to a set of self-imposed rules where the attitudes of the time were so prudish that even showing adults in the same bed was too sexy for mainstream TV.

However, this idea that separate beds is somehow prudish, un-sexy or sterile does persist, as your friends have unhelpfully demonstrated to you in their reactions.

Like most things in relationships, the idea that there is one right way to do things can be incredibly unhelpful.

The most important thing is that you do what works for the two of you and that you are both in agreement. From your questions, it sounds like you are.

There can be many reasons why couples might choose to sleep separately on occasion, or even as a more permanent arrangement.

Work hours, or simply different sleep/wake rhythms, may make it necessary to ensure everyone gets the sleep they need. If one of you is a night owl, and the other an early riser, it can ensure everyone gets enough sleep.

Which of course brings us to another one of those rules that you should go to bed at the same time as your partner, every night.

Again, it’s easy to see the sense, it tends to make sexual intimacy more easily happen, and just happens if your rhythms are naturally in sync, but if they aren’t then this rule may also not work for you.

From what research there is, about 1 in 4 couples sleep in different beds some or all of the time. So you’re also not alone.

And of course, sleeping in the same bed all the time, and going to bed together every night is - in and of themselves - not a guarantee of a good relationship.

What does guarantee a good relationship, is regular open communication and emotional connection, neither of which requires us to sleep next to each other.

In fact, being able to negotiate and talk about each other’s sleep needs, and being creative and flexible about how to ensure everyone is getting what they need may in fact be indicative of healthy communication.

Having said all of this, of course for some, being separate at night may lead to distance, and while this isn’t the case for you, it is worth noting the obvious - if it doesn’t work for you, then don’t do it!

So, rest assured, the only judges of whether it is a good idea for you, are you and your husband. Not a rule, advice on the internet or your friend’s worries.

And besides, sneaking into each other’s beds at night can even be exciting, as can the novelty of sleeping together when the mood strikes you.