There are common themes that divorce lawyers see in those who end up in their office. Photo / Getty Images
There are common themes that divorce lawyers see in those who end up in their office. Photo / Getty Images
Sharon Chandra has overseen hundreds of divorce proceedings during her decade working in family and divorce law in Aotearoa.
Now practising out of Auckland’s Bankside Chambers, she’s heard virtually every reason why a relationship broke down and just how clients landed in her office.
And while Chandra saysit’s “artificial” to try to pinpoint one particular thing as the leading cause of divorce in New Zealand, there are some common themes.
“There are many different issues that relationships face, and it’s a culmination of various events that lead to a couple deciding to get divorced,” she shares.
Despite each case usually having its unique final straw, Chandra says there is some form of communication breakdown in most cases.
“I think communication is probably one of the biggest reasons why a couple might decide to divorce, because they’re not feeling heard or understood or listened to, and that’s a communication issue,” says the barrister.
Chandra says that failure to communicate can often happen when couples are in the throes of parenthood and grow apart, leading to separation when the kids leave home.
“What I am seeing increasingly these days are couples who have been together for 25, 30 years. They’ve waited for their kids to get old enough to be able to deal with a separation, perhaps finish high school, start uni, and then they decide to divorce or separate.
“I think it comes about as a result of growing apart and then becoming different people to the people that they were when they married,” Chandra adds.
Divorce lawyer Sharon Chandra from Bankside Chambers. Photo / Dean Purcell
“They start to grow apart, and then they stay together for the sake of the children, and then when the kids are old enough, then they decide ‘Okay, well, you know, now’s the right time to get the divorce going’, if you will.”
Chandra says there are usually signs and many different factors that lead up to a potential final event and ultimately the decision to divorce.
“Even if there’s a final event like infidelity or an affair, that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back; there will be many different things that have happened leading up to that point that culminate in a couple deciding to get divorced,” she says.
“If your relationship is already on shaky ground, and then something difficult like that happens, like being in lockdown or someone having an affair, then it accumulates and it gets to a point where a couple just don’t feel like they’re able to continue anymore."
Chandra says she quite often sees clients who feel unappreciated, and either they or their partner has stopped doing the things that make the other person feel valued in the relationship.
“A marriage is like any relationship that you manage; your relationship with your family, your relationship with your friends, with your colleagues, with your business partner, with your spouse. The same rules apply to all the different types of relationships. You want to communicate and be transparent, you want to show that you care about that person and take an interest in their lives.
“You want to make sacrifices for them and do things for them. So it’s things that you would do for people that you care about,” Chandra adds.
Chandra says she quite often sees clients who feel unappreciated. Photo / Dean Purcell
What can couples do early on?
Chandra’s advice to those who feel the distance between themselves and their partner is growing, whether they are at the point of considering divorce or not, is to seek communication counselling.
“I often recommend it to clients who aren’t sure whether they want to stay in a relationship or not, because often they do need a forum to be able to air their concerns or have a discussion without perhaps being interrupted or cut off or both people being stressed out.”
While communication counselling may not always solve the issues and the couple might still end up deciding on divorce, Chandra says it can help both parties feel they can speak honestly about what they are experiencing.
“Often, having a third party or a counsellor present can help to create a forum for couples to communicate and air out their issues. It’s not always effective, and it may be that a couple still decide to separate after going through that process, but it can be quite effective.”
Check back for part two in the series next Monday, when we chat to Sharon Chandra on common mistakes couples make when divorcing and how to avoid them.
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald‘s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.
