And of course, I attempted to contour, because contouring is vital. Without it, my facial features will disappear into an undifferentiated mass, confusing all who approach with my lack of visible nose or cheeks. At least, that's what the beauty bloggers say. I don't really understand contouring.
Then — finally — I was ready for the world.
But then I logged onto the internet and my heart plummeted to my (pedicured) toes. Kim Kardashian West had a new message for me. And according to Kim, I wasn't presentable at all.
Ms West, who has only my best interests at heart, had pointed out a new flaw in my appearance, one I hadn't even realised I had! Thankfully, because she is so altruistic and caring of women, she had also provided a solution. She had released her 'ultimate body perfecting secret', a special range of makeup for women's bodies.
Yes, it turns out that it's not just our faces that need makeup, our arms and legs and décolletage do too! And really, once it was pointed out to me, I couldn't believe I hadn't yet realised. I can't go out into the world with my freckled chest or blotchy shoulders! I can't let anyone see my unevenly-toned neck! No-one will love me! No-one will employ me! Thank god Kim showed me the path.
And the path is clear. It leads right to Kim's new NZD$68 Skin Perfecting Body Make-Up Foundation. Not to mention her NZD$52 Skin Perfecting Body Shimmer, and her NZD$41 Loose Shimmer Powder for Face & Body. Praise be.
Now, a cynical person might argue that Kim Kardashian, her sisters and other beauty Influencers are manufacturing insecurities in women, in order to manufacture needs for cosmetics, which in turn they manufacture and sell to us.
A cynical person might argue that the beauty industry is built on making women feel bad about ourselves, and that this bad feeling keeps us from being confident and secure and living up to our full potential as human beings.
A cynical person might argue that the time and money we spend to look Instagram worthy and socially acceptable is taking time and money away from other areas of our lives.
A cynical person might argue that men aren't told they need makeup, and that this double standard contributes to the gross gender inequality in our culture.
A cynical person might argue that needing to have perfectly even skin is about as whimsical and random as needing to have pointy ears, and that if the Kardashians decided that pointy ears were in, and started selling pointy ear kits on their social media accounts, then all of us with round ears would be agonising over our defects, and pouring money into an attempt to reshape ourselves as pixies.
But hey! I'm not a cynical person. I'm just deeply relieved I found out how I needed improvement, and grateful to Kim Kardashian for offering the fix.
And if I need pixie ears (or short thumbs, or bony kneecaps, or long eyebrows), just tell me, Kim. I want to know how to be better.
