Some people are still concerned with inter-racial love, says expert Jill Goldson.
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I moved to NZ from South Africa three years ago and recently become engaged to Kiwi. My fiancée is Indian and my parents are Afrikaners - I worry they won't approve. My father is ill and I want to visit my family with my fiancée. How do I handle all this?
What are the main issues behind the sense of overwhelm you are feeling in this difficult situation? Most of all a sense of divided loyalties and sadness, I would think. And perhaps an overriding feeling of being the one who has to somehow sort it all out? And how impossible
sorting it out feels? But if you look at the situation bit by bit, it is really, like all the big dilemmas in life, about managing the things we can change and accepting the things we can't. There are some things you can do - and others you might have to accept you can't. And one thing none of us can change, unless they are willing, is that other person's behaviour.
Got a broken heart, relationship niggle, infuriating family member, or anything in between? Email your questions here and check back next Friday to hear Jill's wisdom.
Life is very different now from 50 years ago, in your mother's youth, when Nelson Mandela was sentenced to life imprisonment as an anti apartheid activist. His story of courage and determination - resulting in his becoming the first Black president of South Africa - has changed our world. Your freedom to love whom you wish is part of that triumph. As is passing that freedom of choice on to your own children. Having to deal with potential disapproval from your mother about your choice of partner because of race is heartbreaking - but if you can see it in context, it will help both you and your fiancée to have frank and strategic discussions about how to manage the inevitable difficulties.
Naturally you want to see your parents, and particularly as your father is unwell. And everyone wants their family to share in the joy of having fallen in love It may be that you have to accept that you can't force this joy. Staying true to yourself and your partner is fundamental. Keep communicating with her about what is happening and how you are feeling about it - and listen to her feelings and views as well.
