I’ve been with my wife for 23 years, married for 20 of them. We get along fine, but I don’t think I find her attractive anymore. She’s put on weight and doesn’t look after herself the way she did when we first met. I feel guilty for thinking it, but I wish she still made an effort. Does this mean I don’t love her? Should I tell her how I feel?
Are you still close? You say you 'get along just fine'- but what does that mean? Is 'just fine' the same as 'close'? We can get on with a distant colleague just fine - but as partners we need more than that. There are many ways to disconnect, and
physically is just one of them.
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Another thing - what sort of down time does your wife have? Is she too busy looking after everyone else? This is a huge barrier for many women, who are often lumped with the lion's share of familial duties.
The phrases "putting on weight" and "not looking after oneself" - when related to women in particular - raise a red flag about self esteem, work overload, and values within the relationship. Research tells us that weight gain and self-esteem are linked. Self esteem for all of us is also closely connected with the attitudes displayed towards us by those we love. Do you think the world you wife lives in reflects back to her attitudes that affirm her, and make her feel good about herself? This includes you.
The questions you ask are more complex than they might seem. You would need to examine the issue of whether you still love your wife in a much more honest way than wondering if it's just that you no longer find her attractive.
