In the cacophony of radio, television, political diatribes and large classes, there exists an unwavering need to be heard. And yet this capacity for listening is not evenly developed amongst the population.
If you really want to know about someone's personality you would do well to assess their ability to pay attention to others. Research tells us that the ability to listen is correlated with other desirable traits such as kindness, unselfishness and empathy - the hallmarks of emotional intelligence. The opposite is correspondingly true. And it is neither possible nor affordable to rely on bartenders, counsellors, taxi drivers and hairdressers to fulfil that aching void.
Don't fake, cultivate
Cultivating the capacity to listen in all our relationships - commercial and intimate - is a good strategy for a meaningful life. Generosity of spirit fuels the good listener - it can be cultivated, just as any behaviour can. It is about recognising that the person who is speaking has something to teach us.
As the Desiderata of 1692 says "listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story". This doesn't mean you have to tolerate hours of always being the listener, bored rigid and feeling disconnected - usually both at the same time. That would be faking it. In the way that unscrupulous sales people will fake enormous interest in you. There's a line to be trod between being disingenuous and courteous.
Real conversations
Real conversations are like a game of tennis. A two way game not a round with the other person as a sort of volley board.
Do you come away from encounters feeling enriched or drained like a flat battery? We all have times when we need to do most of the talking - that's the balance sheet of real relating. Watch for the friend who regularly high jacks your story before you finish it and turns it into her experience, checks her phone often or is visibly distracted - she or he is likely to leave you feeling flat and somehow exploited.
In my clinical practice the single most common feature disturbing a relationship is the absence of the capacity of one person to hear the other. Stonewalling, talking over - or any other number of strategies - get used to remove the threat of a challenge. Until the capacity to hear each other is restored, then there will be a constant leak in the boat as it tries to navigate the seas.
Marriages and employment contracts alike founder when this capacity is disturbed. Extraordinary breakthroughs to impasses happen when the ability to hear and be heard is attended to. As author David Augsburger says "Being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable".
And listen for the silences too
When that person you know well is preoccupied, perhaps not saying very much at all - try listening to that too. The impact of not being heard when you are sad or worried is described by the great bard Shakespeare in this quote from Macbeth: "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break".
Tips for listening and being heard
• Tune in - make eye contact
• Paraphrase and repeat some core aspects of what you are hearing
• Use phrases like "that must have made you feel" and "I can imagine that you wanted to ..."
• Wait your turn to talk
• If you are typically not given a chance to talk, try saying "I want to tell you about what just happened to me last week..."
• Keep the talking and listening ledger as balanced as you can.
Foster the relationships that keep you feeling acknowledged - they are important.
- nzherald.co.nz
