Jill Goldson: How to deal with self-absorbed people

Be warned: Confronting a person with these traits can be to provoke their anger or retaliation. Photo / Thinkstock

My sister-in-law is driving me crazy with her endless need to talk about herself. I am starting to feel like I don’t even exist when I have to relate to her and I am starting to feel very resentful that my life is apparently of no interest at all to her.

In case you missed it: This was the most popular blog by Jill Goldson in 2014

I think many of us have been through an unenviable encounter with a self absorbed person - and if they are work mates - or more difficult still, family members, it can be tricky territory to navigate.

Often at the beginning it can be fun with someone like your new sister-in-law. This personality type can be charismatic and entertaining, especially when you first meet. Initially they will radiate a brightness and confidence which is often very alluring - and the feeling they see you as a confidante can be affirming, until it suddenly starts to dawn on you that actually you are on a one way communication street. The flipside of the personality of the self absorbed companion suddenly comes to light - and what you initially saw as charisma translates into a breathtaking over confidence, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.

Individuals who have this self absorption - sometimes termed narcissistic personality - very rarely think they have a problem and their primary focus tends to be a struggle to preserve their veneer. Whilst the self absorbed person can have moments of generosity and charm - for the most part they will be unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them even if they are aware.

According to Mark Drummond, specialist psychologist in personality traits at Argosy University in Chicago, "being self caring is considered healthy, but certain people misinterpret that as an excuse to be self centered".

Most of us are polite and will humour this person until the point where we realise that this dynamic looks unlikely to change. At that point we often wonder what it is that seems to be so lacking in us that this other person barely registers that we have a life - and soon after that we begin to feel indignation that anyone could be quite so insensitive.

If you and your new sister-in-law were sharing a dessert and she consumed it all - every time - it would be a very odd experience. Actually this is what is happening. Whilst we know that retaining some selfishness is important for healthy relationships, Judith Orloff, writing for Psychology Today suggests, we need to be strategic when dealing with this type of personality. Similarly, Wendy Behary, in her book, Disarming the Narcissist, says we need to keep our expectations low when we are dealing with friends or family or workmates who have these tendencies. We can't choose our families- nor our work colleagues -and therefore it is important to learn how to manage these personalities who will crop up in most people's lives at some point.

Instead of believing you will turn the self absorbed around, says Orloff, it is best to be realistic about the time you spend together. Confronting a person with these traits can be to provoke their anger or retaliation. Try diverting the constant 'me-talk' by telling your companion that you like one of her positive attributes, suggests Orloff, for example: "I like the way you seem to grasp local politics - can you tell me more of what you think is going on in this city" etc. Lower your expectations and strategise your needs. Frankly your deepest feelings are highly unlikely to be cherished - and while it is tedious to ego stroke these people, your relationship is unavoidable - and using techniques to keep the relationship harmonious, whilst preserving your own peace of mind, is good advice.

The reality is that this type of personality is actually a sad one under all the prattle. The self absorbed tend to live in a narrowly confined world and, lacking a stable centre, they struggle with any degree of healthy attachment, and cannot read the core of themselves or others. Instead they cling to external cues and images with which to present their sense of self and worth. I suspect that if you look closely, your sister-in-law might have scared off any hope of having her own close friends - and, further to this, lives a life with some knowledge of her own aching emptiness.

You are entirely correct that trying to connect with this personality type seems to suck the energy out of conversations and events - don't make your sense of self worth dependent on this sister in law. I understand how important it is to feel part of your new family, but you will soon start to find your own friends. Your challenge is to balance out your needs.

In a nutshell, the advice is to turn the conversation round when you can, try and keep your conversations with her in a group - and don't let yourself promise things to her that you can't deliver. Talk to your husband and make sure you have his support.

Jane Austen, gimlet eyed observer of human social behaviour in the nineteenth century, said wryly, 'selfishness must always be forgiven, simply because there is no hope of a cure".

So try not to wear yourself out with your reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour - set your boundaries and look forward to the many new and real companions who I have no doubt will soon be in your life