Under stress, self-criticism heightens. And in our hyper-connected society, with its selfies and obsessions, this tendency towards unfair self-judgement can be hard to escape.
Psychologists believe that these internal voices are often the residues of childhood experiences. If you were lucky enough to have emotionally balanced parents, then you will be largely buffered from life's minor shocks. But those who have missed out on this resilience building find that their emotional footing pitches beneath them like a boat being tossed around on the waves.
Sometimes we have made rules ourselves when we were children, which were fear based and self-protective and self-disciplining. These helped us to survive when we were helpless kids - at the mercy of adult moods and whims. And even now - free as we are to walk away from unhealthy situations and to make conscious choices about our lives - we get so used to living by internal and unwritten rules that we don't even notice or question them. Marching to yesterday's drumbeat - when it undermines our contentment and threatens our self-esteem - creates a tragically self-limiting environment.
Overwhelmed
Like any prisoner anywhere, we can find ourselves horribly stuck. And that particular prison yard is a confined space that does not allow us to adapt to external events as they unfold.
Brene Brown, research professor at the University of Houston, has found in her studies that admitting vulnerability requires courage and self-confidence. It also requires self-compassion.
Says Brown, overcoming the notion that it is weak to seek help and to develop self-compassion is itself an act of strength and resilience.
How often have I watched my clients reach for a box of tissues and apologise for their outpouring of grief and tears. And each and every time I impress on them my sincere respect for their courage to come and talk about what it is that is happening in their lives. And how it marks that constructive step forward.
Self-compassion is an underrated strength. It is not harsh criticism that keeps us on track and healthy but an awareness of the vulnerability we carry.
Ways of viewing the world, via patterns of thought and behaviour, have been termed "schemas". This includes what we believe we deserve in life, in love and in work and whether or not we see the world as safe.
If the inner voice is telling you that you simply don't pass muster and you are constantly getting it wrong, then maybe it is time to challenge the 'authority' of that voice and, to seek help and support to replace such self-defeating messages.
How do we know if we are operating with negative schemas?
We behave in ways that maintain our views: We pass up good opportunities, we self blame, we lack belief in ourselves.
We interpret the meaning of our experiences that make them seem true: Psychologists call this confirmation bias. We look for and find proof of our worst self-beliefs.
We over compensate and act in rigid and oppositional ways that interfere with our relationships: We are so afraid of criticism, which will prove our worst fears, that we are closed down or defensive and confrontational around others.
