Jill Goldson: Dealing with the death of your partner

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My father died 18 months ago – whilst it was expected with his terminal illness, my mum is very fragile emotionally and physically. Before dad became ill she was robust and healthy and a great walker. We are all sad about dad’s passing but now we are becoming very worried about our 75-year-old mother. Is this reaction normal?

Thank you for writing in about this topic which a very important one concerning older family members and which, and sadly, in the rush and bustle of daily life, often goes under the radar.

In many cultures, elders are highly respected and revered - it might be that we wish this was so in our culture but it is not always the case. And we can all be guilty of an unconscious devaluation regarding our perception of older people and their needs and rights. It is rarely intentional - but acts of omission - rather than commission - can create a message that older people are not important, nor their needs significant.

Your mother is fortunate to have you an adult child, who is so concerned. Your letter about your worry for her raises important issues about key aspects of family life -the position of older people and their legitimate needs - which benefit from wider appreciation and understanding.

One of the key tasks for adult children of a bereaved parent is being able to separate out our own grief from that of our remaining parent. It is hard enough to deal with ones own sadness - and that sadness can intensify worries about the surviving parent. And of course you want your mother to be happy again and the robust self she once was. We can often inadvertently make things worse by "jollying along" older bereaved people - or changing the subject in case it turns to tears. Or we might even avoid too much contact because of the difficult feelings it stirs up for us.

The greatest psychological help you can offer to your mother right now is to support her to manage her grief -which means allowing her to review her positive and negative memories of that long partnership. Keeping alive her attachment to her deceased partner is best balanced with a commitment to continuing to live in life - whilst continuing to reference her lost partner in the retelling of the joys and sorrows of a long life together.

The observation you make about your mother's physical vulnerabilities tallies with a recent study, which demonstrates that the immune system is far more fragile when people over 65 are in grief. Anna Phillips, medical researcher at Birmingham University in England, explains that the functioning of a vital white blood cell, which wards off infection and illness, is compromised by grief in the older person. Professor Janet Lord, co researcher in the same study, also points out the negative impact of excess cortisol, the stress hormone, on the physical wellbeing of the elderly grieving person. The study, published recently in the journal Immunity and Ageing, says that the interplay of grief and stress hormones might explain the trend of quick succession of partner death.

So your mother's physical vulnerability will be compounding her emotional pain. The loss of a spouse or partner is very high up on the list of significant stresses in the family life cycle - add to this the multiple potential challenges of the aging process, and it is unsurprising that stories like yours are common.

It is important to keep in mind that there are many studies, which demonstrate the robust good health of the older adult; many senior citizens lead active and healthy lives. So we would be wise to assess - and not assume - the varying degrees of vulnerability in our elders, following a major loss.

What we know for certain from decades of research is that isolation will make the impact of grief tougher to deal with. Loss of family and friends, along with limitations on physical mobility, play a big role here.

The loss of a central role in life - for example your mother being a caregiver to your ill father - as well as her years of being a wife and mother - carries its own very real sense of loss and disruption to the sense of self-identity.

So on the positive side, we can draw from the research into the benefits of active social networks and diet and exercise. What social groups does your mother belong to? Is she currently lonely, as well as in grief? Does she have a religious or spiritual belief system which helps buffer her? Is he trying to be too brave?

Giving a grieving parent the time to talk with you - without hastily changing the subject - will be a huge contribution to their wellbeing. Finding networks with her and sharing the time you can give to her - along with your other siblings and family members can - and will - have a positive impact on helping her back to a more resilient state.

Death and dying, loss and separation, are all integral parts of life. There are specialists in the care and therapy of the elderly grieving adult in your community.

Spend some time researching, - and let your mother talk about her feelings. Part of her coping will be your ability to let her know that she is allowed to feel this way and does not have to put on a bright smile and cover up her grief.

The relief of being allowed to talk about loss and sadness can paradoxically make it far easier to bear, than the proverbial "stiff upper lip".

As Shakespeare said:

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'erfraught heart and bids it break"

Taking the time to talk, and to look with her at those old photos, -as well as communicating with her about self-care and constructive goals - can make a world of difference.

For more information you can check the Age Concern website or The Grief Centre.

The Grief Centre can also be contacted on 09 4181457.