Jana Hocking: The reason I never want to have children

Jana Hocking remembers feeling restless and panicky at the thought of starting a family and having to press pause on her career as a podcaster. Photos / Instagram

Opinion

OPINION

At the age of 37, it's safe to say I've answered my fair share of questions regarding when I'll have kids. I'm constantly reminded of the tick tock of my fertility clock.

And while not said with malice, I find that many friends and relatives have been fairly concerned that I'm running out of time to have them.

But you see, there are two things standing in the way of pregnancy. One is a lack of boyfriend, and the second is my genuine belief that I don't want children.

Yes, my maternal instinct just never kicked in. Trust me, I've given it time, plenty of patience and free rein to take over my heart, soul and ovaries, but nope the ol' maternal instinct just isn't there.

I adore children, and will happily look at photos from your kids' hat parade with delight, but the thought of taking on full-time responsibility for one gives me proper anxiety.

Not the kind of anxiety that's just a bit unsure of how to look after one, but all-consuming anxiety that I am stuck. That the life I have worked so hard for over the last 37 years will be put on pause.

I've seen friends who have worked their butt off in dream careers, suddenly have to hit pause. To give birth and then care for a newborn. It's always seemed so unfair, especially because there doesn't seem to be that huge gap in career growth for men.

However, I see these strong, fierce women bloom into proud mothers, and I know they have no regrets. It's just that I fear I would.

I remember roughly two years ago, the man I had been pining over for a fair chunk of my adult life, finally returned home from overseas. We reconciled and he expressed his desire for a child. I was so in love with him, and one night we decided to actively start trying for one.

The next day I felt restless, I had a tight chest, and a need to escape the city.

As I took off along the highway to my family's farm for a weekend of rest, I couldn't stop thinking about this serious life decision I had just committed to with him. My career was on the rise, I had just scored a promotion, and I was enjoying it more than I probably cared to admit.

I was saving for my dream European holiday and making plans to start a side business. I realised I was feeling restless because a child just didn't fit into my life plan.

Jana Hocking says she adores children but the thought of taking on full-time responsibility for one gives her anxiety. Photo / Instagram

Here I was, finally with the bloke of my dreams, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was making a terrible decision. One I would later regret.

I finally worked up the courage to tell him how I was feeling, and unsurprisingly he chose to part ways.

While I'm still a little heartbroken, I know it was for the best. They say your gut feeling is never wrong, and this is exactly where it came from.

So often, people who are child-free by choice are called selfish. But isn't it more selfish to bring a child into the world just because Aunty Julie is stressed out that you're going to miss out on something you've never wanted.

I've had trolls slide into my DMs to tell me that a career won't keep me warm at night, and that's true. But a man who has similar values to me sure as heck will.

I long for Christmas holidays surrounded by nieces and nephews. I can't wait to take them to their first concert, and buy them far too much fairy floss at the Royal Easter Show, but do you know what else I'll be doing? Dropping them off at the end of the night and heading home for a hot bath and a glass of wine.

That's what makes me happy. I've got a lot of love to give, it just comes in a different form to that of the one we were brought up to believe.

My Kinda Sorta Dating podcast guest this week, a dear friend who chose the child-free life and shared with me her own experience of it, said it wasn't until the age of 46 that people stopped asking her when she would have a child, and I tell you what, I can't wait for that day myself.

The more I talk to people who are breaking social norms, the more I realise it really doesn't matter how someone else chooses to lead their life. As long as they are happy and it's not hurting anyone else, why not look at their situation with curiosity rather then judgment.

Good lord I'm sounding more and more like Oprah every day. #namaste

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends.