That Guy: Brace yourself if you stick your neck out

Last night I chose to drink a little too much wine as there wasn't all that much on TV. So why did I really do it?

Was it the pressure of being an artist? Probably not, as I gave up painting years ago.

Was it because of the pain I have been feeling in my neck ever since the accident?

The accident that ACC refuses to even recognise, I might add, even though it happened at work. Apparently if you have three vertebrae in your neck accidentally cracked by a highly inexperienced Thai masseuse during an oily sports massage, it doesn't qualify as either a workplace accident, or even a sporting injury. And they wonder why people lie when making a claim.

I could have just said it happened while I was playing touch rugby or while changing the photocopier toner, and they would have accepted it, no questions asked.

If that wasn't bad enough, my private health insurance won't cover it either so it looks like I will be stuck with this "skin coloured" neck brace for a few more months until we can sort it all out.

Just on that, I am lucky I am married because I don't think there has ever been a case in documented history, of a man picking up a woman while wearing a neck brace.

You can be bald, fat, deformed and even broke, and you will still have a chance with many women, but putting on a neck brace is like walking into a harem of nymphomaniac vampires wearing a shopping trolley-load of garlic around your neck.

There is nothing as unflattering as a neck brace. In purely anthropological terms it must be like letting the opposite sex know that you are damaged goods, that you would be easy pickings for other males, and that your offspring are also likely to be born wearing a neck brace and, by all accounts, child birth is painful enough.

Most other injuries can now be concealed to a degree, even a broken leg can be covered with a pair of flared jeans, but the only piece of clothing capable of concealing even part of a neck brace is the polo neck sweater which defeats the entire purpose, as it takes the basic form of one anyway. It is a bit like putting an eye patch over an eye patch.

There have been medical breakthroughs in recent years that have made many rehabilitations less obvious. Casts are now made from lighter, more flexible materials, teeth braces are no longer cumbersome and metal, but the neck brace has never really changed since it was invented in 1311. Sure, they have velcro on them now, but that small convenience hardly makes up for the humiliation and suffering you experience when you have to wear it in public.

Like Darth Vader with his helmet removed, I have been walking around shopping malls trying to look relaxed, but instead I move like Bigfoot turning my entire body every time I want to move my head a fraction of an inch just to read the rest of the McDonald's breakfast menu.

Probably the most embarrassing neck brace experience to date though, was when Dan Carter and I recently posed together in a soon-to-be-released underwear campaign. Unable to move as freely as I would have liked, I was unable to get into as many positions as Dan, so I was relegated further and further toward the back of the studio.

I suspect that when the photos are released, they will be mainly of Dan, and because of my damn neck brace I will appear out of focus in the background of a couple. They should have made him wear a neck brace as well and then we would see how good he looks!

Incidentally, did you know that a neck brace is the only thing that is impossible to treat with Photoshop!