“Sometimes I look at my husband and feel he’s a stranger,” says Laura*, 55, an architect and mother of two, who lives in Sussex.
“We met when he was in his 40s and I thought that meeting later in life and becoming a mother in my late 30s would swerve some of the ‘growing apart’ issues that friends, who’d married people they’d met at university or in their 20s, were having.
“Yet I feel that I’ve fallen down exactly the same rabbit hole. The lightbulb moment, for me, came about a year ago when my husband and I were ‘together, alone’ – sitting side by side while staring at our phones. I was researching hiking expeditions in Canada, with our future as empty nesters in mind. He was looking at cream leather reclining chairs. I’m pretty sure that our futures will be apart, not together.”
Although she says she is sure that they will separate, Laura is currently grappling with the question of whether it would be so damaging to divorce while the children are still at school that it would be better to stay together until they leave home. Laura’s eldest daughter will be getting her GCSE results this week; her youngest is going into Year 8.
“I know that I can’t spend the rest of my life with Michael,” she says. “I’d rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely. But I adore our children – we both do. So what do we do? Stay together until they’ve graduated and left home, or separate now in the most nurturing, dignified and loving way possible?”
For many couples, their children’s final year at school sparks a moment of reckoning. The move to tertiary education or employment draws a line under one stage of life and signals a new chapter. The question is, will that be together or apart?
Even in the most amicable of marriages, the process of co-parenting a child to maturity can take centre stage to such a degree that it can feel like this is the glue holding a couple together. A child embarking on adulthood marks change. And with change, says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, the in-house relationship expert for couples app Paired, there inevitably comes questions. “What will we have to talk about, just us two? Do we really get along? What if we’ve only lasted this long because of the children?”
‘Silver separators’
Figures from the UK’s Office of National Statistics show that “silver separators” (the over-50s) were the only age group with a divorce rate increase pre-lockdown. Similarly, in the US, divorce rates for those over 50 have increased dramatically, according to US-based online resource Hello Divorce.
According to relationship expert and coach Sara Davison, who is also known as the Divorce Coach, “September sees the second highest demand for divorce after January, as the post-holiday – and post-exam result – period represents the final straw.”
For many, ‘staying together for the kids’ encompasses financial reasons, as well as emotional ones. “I buy a lottery ticket every week,” admits 50-year-old father of two, Andrew*, a lawyer who lives in west London and has been married for 16 years.
“I know that my wife is just as unhappy as I am. We argue – more bickering than arguing – all the time and our sex life has been non-existent for more than five years. I don’t feel that she likes me, let alone loves me – and I feel the same way about her. We’ve talked about separation, but it’s just not feasible. I can’t afford to maintain two households in our area, and I’m not willing to uproot the children from their school and friends by selling the family home and buying two properties out in the sticks. Nor am I going to rent some horrible little flat that they hate visiting me in. I probably still won’t leave when they’ve gone to university, because they’ll come home for holidays – but once they’re financially independent, I won’t be sticking around.”
Complex situation
But if two people are that unhappy, is it really better to wait until the children have left home to separate? The pros and cons, according to Nia Williams, relationship therapist and life coach at BetterHelp, are multilayered.
“Staying together might mean that children can focus on their studies without the added stress of their parents’ separation,” she says. “And waiting can give parents time to work on the relationship and, potentially, reconcile. But on the other hand feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage for years can lead to resentment and further damage to family relationships.”
Ultimately, says Williams, “from my experience of couples’ therapy, staying together for the kids can backfire. Picking up on the unhappiness in parents’ relationships can be more damaging than a separation handled in a healthy way. Either way, parents must take steps to minimise impact, such as seeking counselling and working together to co-parent effectively, as well as framing the change as a restructure, rather than a destruction.”
Jade Thomas, psychotherapist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice, agrees. “If the couple is constantly arguing and creating a disruptive environment at home, it’s important to consider how this might impact the child before or during their exams,” she says. “It’s better to be frank, in order to maintain secure, honest and trusting relationships.” As Sara Davison points out, “Not every unhappy couple argues, but the lack of arguing can, in fact, result in a toxic home environment that’s just as discomfiting for a revising teen.”
Of course, separating is never an easy decision to make, even if it feels like the right thing to do. The pain of the decision to separate is compounded, for many, by the censure of others.
Rebecca*, 46, a graphic designer from north London, knew she was going against the prevailing view that staying together is best for the children when she made the decision to separate from her partner of 18 years in 2020.
Knowing that her mother, who was terminally ill, disapproved of her decision made the process even more painful. “I was seeking her support and approval but, while she always loved me, I felt horribly guilty when she told me that I should ‘stick it out for the children’s sake’ or said things like: ‘Why don’t you wait until they’re at university? It’s selfish to leave now.’ Several of my female friends said similar things, admitting that, while they weren’t happy in their relationships, they’d never leave before the children had left home.”
The couple tried counselling but, for Rebecca, it only highlighted the differences between them and how much they had both changed. “The age gap – Ben* was nearly 10 years older than I was – seemed bigger. After emerging from the fog of caring for babies and young children, I felt like my life was just beginning, while it seemed his was settling and winding down. I knew he was a wonderful man and that we were great co-parents to our three children (now aged 17, 15 and 12), but I also knew I now saw him as a best mate and not as a romantic partner.”
They tried “nest-based separating” for a while – renting a bedsit a short walk from the family home so she and her partner could take it in turns to live there, with a family meal together on Sundays. That lasted around a year before Ben decided to discontinue it, so “I rented a flat 10 minutes’ walk away,” says Rebecca. “The kids divide their time between us, and we still share family time too – but leaving the relationship was the most painful experience of my life.”
The very best ending
Evidently, how a separation is handled is key. According to family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin, founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, “all change needs managing in a way that is easy for the young person to understand: what we’re looking for is the very best ending, in order to have the very best beginning”.
And, as many will attest, a couple gritting their teeth to stay together come hell or high water is not necessarily the “right” thing to do, even if it offers domestic stability in terms of residence and routines. When my own parents separated shortly before I started my HSC (the Australian equivalent of A levels), but decided to delay divorce and the sale of the family home until I’d gone to university, it meant that I returned to a familiar address every day – but an unfamiliar, unhappy environment.
But would it have been any better if they’d waited until I finished my degree?
“My parents separating just after I’d finished university was a shock – it made me reassess my entire childhood and butted against my recollections of it having been a happy one,” says Lisa, 49, who has been married for 23 years and has two children.
“I felt like they’d only stayed together because of their children. I appreciate that we were old enough to understand that sometimes relationships stop working but, at the same time, we weren’t adults and therefore supporting my parents – that shifting of roles – was hard. In retrospect, I felt that I lost my parents, especially my mum, who’d always been the one that I leaned on.” That said, “I think our ages made it easier for us to digest the after-effects of the first few post-divorce years,” she says. “Not being in the same house was definitely a benefit.”
Williams agrees that waiting until the children have finished their A levels can make children feel like they were living a lie and their parents’ relationship was a sham.
Whatever stage their children are at when a couple decides to separate, there are steps that can be taken to make sure things run as smoothly as possible, says Chantal Gautier, a dating and relationship psychologist. She points out that students are already grappling with the pressures of school and the complexities of teenagehood, including friendship and romantic dynamics. “It’s important to create a safe environment where children can gradually come to terms with the situation, and continue their lives with as little stress as possible.”
Psychologist Dr Rachael Molitor agrees that “dealing with your parents’ breakup while trying to focus on studying for A levels can be incredibly challenging but, while recognising the significance of the family as a whole, placing emphasis on the wellbeing of the relationships and the manner in which they transition is of most importance”.
With this in mind, she says that, if staying together for the sake of children isn’t feasible and that now really is the right time to separate, then guidance for parents, children, and extended family members would involve openly sharing emotions and engaging in discussions about the circumstances in an open and active listening space. “Although articulating feelings might prove arduous, effective communication is important for understanding individual emotions to create as much as positivity in such challenging times.”
*All case study names have been changed