It took me several more years to understand that there are different ways to understand ageism, including what researchers call “internalised ageism,” or discriminating against ourselves - and our contemporaries - as we age. Or as Todd D. Nelson, a professor of psychology at California State University at Stanislaus, who edited the book Ageism, put it: “prejudice against our feared future self.”
Sure, those of us 55-plus face negative stereotypes, bias and discrimination - in health care (exclusion from clinical trials because of age), on the job (being passed over for promotion) and by the media (all those “look younger” ads). But I finally realised that the anti-ageing messages I was hearing weren’t just coming from others. The awareness set me on a path to reverse my own ageing biases.
Negative associations with getting older have their own side effects, according to research.
Becca Levy, a professor of psychology at Yale University and a leading researcher on the psychology of aging, has written that internalised ageism may take as much as 7.5 years off your life - about the same as heavy smoking. Levy argues in her book, Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long and Well You Live, that those under 60 who hold negative ageing stereotypes (frailty, cognitive decline) are more likely to have a heart attack or develop other cardiovascular conditions after they turn 60 than those who make positive associations with getting older (wisdom, loyalty, reliability).
“The way we think about aging affects how we age,” Levy wrote.
These negative associations get baked into our culture and our memories.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Yes, we can change.
Embracing the positives
For my reset, I first turned to Chip Conley, the author of Wisdom at Work: The Making of a Modern Elder. Conley is also the founder of the Modern Elder Academy (MEA), a retreat centre designed to help those in midlife navigate its challenges, whether they stem from retirement, empty nest syndrome, divorce or ageing. I joined one of his retreats in 2022, on the cusp of turning 65.
At the MEA, I spent a week with 19 other individuals, hearing admissions such as, “It’s too late for me to learn new things,” or “I’m past the age where I can reinvent myself.” Conley warned us of the dangers of a “closed mindset,” or becoming rigid, fearing change and even believing it’s just too late for an upgrade.
In an exercise called the Great Midlife Edit, we wrote down our associations with getting older on bits of paper. (You already know mine, which were very similar to the others’.) We then tossed these scraps - representing our old mindsets - into a bonfire, watching them incinerate. “We’re letting go,” a new friend said excitedly.
On the second day, Conley asked us to describe what he called “a replacement mindset” - a list of the positives of ageing. There are plenty, including greater experience and wisdom, less judgment of others and more acceptance of ourselves, even increased contentment or equilibrium. I understood what Conley was saying, but it was going to take time for me to fully grasp the import of his message.
Putting beliefs into practice
After the MEA, I began to think about intention and practice. Levy has outlined a three-stage process of bolstering positive age beliefs. The first is increasing awareness: “We know from our research that we often [hold] age beliefs without awareness and they can operate unconsciously.” She noted that children as young as 3 often internalise the age beliefs of the culture around them.
To combat this, Levy recommends journalling, “which involves writing down all the age beliefs you encounter over one week.” Was the portrayal positive or negative? Or were older people absent from a movie or a show, “because we know that lack of representation … can lead to them becoming marginalised as well.”
Her second exercise is to ask yourself: “Is what is said about older people ageist?”
Ageism is considered one of the last acceptable forms of discrimination and can be challenging to call out. When you’re not sure if you’re seeing bias, Levy suggests changing the target to another marginalised group, such as women: “If an employee states the need to fire older workers, ask yourself how it would sound if the same comments were made about firing women.”
Finally, she recommends an exercise to dismantle negative age beliefs “by countering them with accurate information.” Consider the belief that cognition inevitably declines as we get older. “In fact, a number of types of cognition have been found to improve later in life, including metacognition, or thinking about thinking,” Levy told me.
Using her framework, I made a handful of pledges about how to reframe ageing. Recently, I pointed out to a gift shop manager that the store sold only birthday cards that mocked older people. The manager, roughly my age, first took umbrage and then got my point, promising to order a different line. Similarly, when people tell me, “You look good for your age,” I nicely explain that that’s damning praise and ageist, because it implies most people my age look awful. (I know I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth.)
I’m also trying to discourage the “organ recital,” that endless discussion of aches, illnesses and surgeries that dominates older folks’ social chatter and perpetuates negative stereotypes.
Last and most challenging, I’ve stopped lying about my age, especially on dating apps. On my birthday this year, I posted a selfie, paraphrasing Gloria Steinem’s famous declaration, “This is what 40 looks like, ” except in my case, the caption read, “This is what 67 looks like.”
I’m not done, and will probably never be, but there are more benefits to be reaped. The authors of a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology note that inner acceptance of ageing leads to less anger and anxiety and greater “calmness and serenity.”
I’m also reminded of what Andrew Weil, founder of the Andrew Weil Centre for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and author of Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide to Your Well-Being, has written: “We are not hostages to our fate.” Indeed.
