Chatterbox: I'd like to thank ...

As Oscar night approaches the list of winners is a tightly kept secret. However, Hollywood being the gossipy place it is, it hasn't been too difficult to get a copy of this year's generic acceptance speech.

Of course there will be some variations allowing for raging ego or rare and genuine humility (the more humble, the longer actors ramble). And if Tom Hanks wins for Cast Away, expect something well beyond the allotted time of 30 seconds. His name is T. Hanks, after all.

But here, slipped to TimeOut by "agent to the stars" Rudi Bradford-Hartnell, is a suggested speech for winners.

And on the night remember, these people are actors, they can do sincerity really, really well ...

Thank you, thank you (applause dies) no, I really mean that, thank you.

Wow (pause, act breathless).

This is like, just so (pause for effect, do your lost-for-words thing) unexpected (laugh self-consciously, shake head, look away from audience, preferably at the floor while shaking head in disbelief, then recompose yourself slowly mouthing "wow" at least twice. Lean low into the mic for the next bit).

Okay, there are so many people to thank and I know I don't have much time but ... wow ... (Laugh again, recompose).

Okay, okay (as if you have reluctantly been given a hurry-up). First to (name director and/or fellow actors even if you are no longer on speaking terms), you guys are the best. And to (writer, dialogue coach or stunt-double but preferably someone no one has heard of because this shows you care about the little people), this is as much for you. Love you.

Also thanks to (name studio bosses/people who paid you what has just turned out to be a couple of million less than you're now worth), because without your faith in this film, well, I guess it never would have happened. Thank you, thank you for having faith in such an important project (let applause die).

Also to my agent (name, point to agent in audience and make some waggish gesture). You were right all along (laugh).

But seriously ... this is just terrific (act serious).

You know, movies are made by lots of people behind the camera and so awards like this really belong to them, the people who put in all the long hours and often get so little reward. So to all those people ... (hold Oscar aloft, pump in the air a couple of time, let applause die).

Also I'd like to congratulate (name others in the category). You know just to be nominated alongside such great names ... (shake head, do the lost-for-words routine, let applause fade).

And finally, but most of all, I'd like to thank (wife, husband or God if you have one). Without you ... (trail off, shake head as if words are beyond you again, then one final "wow").

God Bless America (optional if you're not American, but foreign winners are reminded it still goes down well with the folks at home).

Thank you.

(Let out whoop of delight - genuine if you feel like it - wave Oscar above your head in your left hand, allow the bimbo to usher you off.

Smile all the way, and remember the most important thing of all - you can now get even with director/fellow actors/wife/husband/agent from a position of unassailable power and ego. Baby, you is made! Call me in the morning, let's talk, we'll do lunch because sweetheart, have I got a project for you. Lemme just say one thing, give you one hint: midgets. Believe me, midgets are gonna be HUGE! Who loves you, baby?)