One hangover too many - and a later-in-life ADHD diagnosis - led one woman to give up her problematic drinking. Photo / Getty Images
After waking up hungover and ashamed, I decided to completely change my drinking habits
I remember Christmas morning 2023 all too well. I woke up feeling hideous. Riddled with shame and guilt. I hadn’t planned to get drunk the night before but we’d had a few friends over in the afternoon for drinks and, before I knew it, we were making Christmas cocktails with crème de menthe and candy canes. And of course I couldn’t stop at one.
The children, India, now 15, and Hudson, 12, came in with their Christmas stockings, full of excitement. I felt dreadful. Nauseous and hungover and worried that I’d done or said something embarrassing. I powered on through the day. I put the turkey in the oven and watched the children and my husband, Kelly, open their presents.
I hated the fact I had let myself get so drunk the night before. Although the children never made any negative comments, I was worried they would normalise my binge drinking and grow up thinking it was okay. I couldn’t face the idea of any alcohol whatsoever on Christmas Day and I realised afterwards it was the wake-up call I’d needed.
Although I’d known for a while it was something I needed to do, I resolved to stop drinking for good and, much to my amazement, I’ve not touched a drop since. I’m an all or nothing sort of person and once I’d put all the alcohol away in the garage, that was it.
Looking back, I’ve always had it in me. I started drinking in my teens and was always the last one standing among my friends. Even though I’m tiny at just 4ft 11in, I would always be the one who drank the most and the one trying to harangue everyone into a club at the end of the night when they wanted to go home. Before becoming a mum, I worked as a television producer and presenter where drinking was so deeply ingrained in the culture, I’d never really questioned it.
I remember one night at an awards do where I got very drunk and chased after a celebrity thinking he was a friend’s boyfriend. When he turned around I was utterly mortified when I realised he was actually a well-known comedian. Luckily he saw the funny side. The fact that my drinking was becoming problematic was probably hidden by the boozy culture which was so prevalent in the media industry I worked in.
As I got older and hit my 40s, I had started to worry about things. I’ve never been the sort of person who had to drink to relax or find confidence – I mostly just did it because I genuinely love the taste of alcohol and also because I live in the moment and never thought about the hangover I might have the next day. But I would always feel terrible and it became harder and harder to just brush things off. I hated waking up wondering what I’d said the night before and if I’d said or done something silly.
Yet that didn’t stop me. I would turn every occasion – even a spa day with a friend – into a chance to drink. Rather than enjoying the sauna or pool, I’d be hunting out prosecco and posing for pics on a sun lounger to post on social media.
What began as drinks after work on Friday and Saturday crept into Sunday and then over lockdown we’d have a few drinks most nights, starting at 5pm.
Getting diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 43 was also a real lightbulb moment and helped me understand why I had an issue with alcohol. Both our children were diagnosed with autism and ADHD (AuDHD as it’s now known) in 2020 when the children were 10 and 8.
My daughter, India, is so similar to me – very chatty, full of energy and always on the go whereas my son, Hudson, is quieter and more routine driven, and very similar to my husband, Kelly. During the assessment, the psychologist asked if we had ever been officially diagnosed so Kelly and I decided to have assessments too.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and Kelly with both ADHD and autism. I realised the fact I’d never really had an ‘off’ switch when it came to drinking was probably because I was always looking for the dopamine “reward” which alcohol gave me and which is a big part of ADHD.
Both Kelly and I have gone on to train as neurodiversity consultants and advise businesses on their neurodiversity policies.
It was thinking about the children that really flicked a switch for me. I didn’t want alcohol to get in the way of my relationship with my kids. They had never commented on my drinking before but I knew they would probably become more aware of it as they got older.
Before I went sober, I would count down the hours until they went upstairs so I could have a glass of wine. The night times were the worst. As Hudson is autistic, he really struggles with sleep. It either takes him ages to get off to sleep or he wakes up in the middle of the night. He just needs a cuddle and a bit of reassurance then he’ll go back to bed but when I was drinking I’d always have that worry at the back of my mind – what if something happened and I needed to drive him to hospital? If both Kelly and I had been drinking, what would we have done? Fortunately, we never found ourselves in that situation but I still shudder to think what would have happened if we had.
I don’t want the children to think that all alcohol is bad though. I just want them to have a healthier relationship with alcohol than I’ve had. At my daughter’s age, 15, I was regularly going out getting plastered. Fortunately, the binge drinking culture that was so normalised in the 90s has been and gone.
Although I made up my mind in a split second that I was going to stop drinking, it was really hard to give up at first. I’d never even done dry January before and all though I felt quite smug about stopping, I craved the sugar high I got from drinking alcohol. So I supplemented the booze for Jelly Babies and chocolate and had a massive spot outbreak. People kept telling me that giving up alcohol does wonders for your skin but mine was worse than ever and I looked blotchy and awful.
It soon passed though, thankfully and now I don’t even crave sweets and can happily have a non-alcoholic “gin” or Seedlip and a really lovely tonic water, perhaps a Fever Tree one, if I fancy a more sophisticated drink.
Then there was the fact that hardly any of my friends really believed me when I said I was going sober. “How long are you planning not to drink?” a few asked. When I said I was giving up for good the general attitude was “yeah, right!” but that just made me more determined. I wanted to prove them wrong and, over time, I have. I also realised that anyone who felt uncomfortable by my not drinking probably has an issue with alcohol themselves.
Now, more than a year on, I’ve completely lost the temptation to drink. I love my sober life more than I ever thought possible and can’t imagine ever going back to alcohol again.
We even had our first sober all-inclusive holiday. In years gone by, I’d have collapsed on the sun lounger knocking back the prosecco and telling the children to play in the pool without me but this year, I joined in with them and splashed around in the pool with them. It made it so much more fun for us as a family and I didn’t even think about having a drink for one moment.
Even though Kelly and I no longer drink (he gave up at the same time as me) we’re not an alcohol-free house, we just keep any booze in the garage, out of sight. I’m going to stock up on a few small bottles of prosecco and wine for Mum and any other visitors we might have. And if there’s any booze left over, I’ll tell them they are welcome to take it home with them.
I really can’t imagine ever feeling the temptation to drink alcohol again but if I did, I would try and remind myself of the lovely feeling of waking up with a clear head and a fresh day ahead. This Christmas there will be no hangover, no feelings of regret and no empty bottles clogging up our recycling bin. I can’t wait.
As told to Georgina Fuller
Telegraph: Is a transactional relationship ever OK? It's complicated, says Rachel Johnson.