"It’s disorienting to hear a partner share a sexual fantasy that doesn’t fit the image you’ve always had of them." Photo / 123RF
Psychologist Joshua Coleman says talking about sexual fantasies can sometimes be helpful, but how you respond to your partner is important.
Q: My wife and I have never really talked about what turns us on even though we’ve had a fairly decent relationship in the sex department. Recently, after watching the movie Babygirl, I got up the courage to ask her if she had any particular fantasies. She said she did but didn’t want to tell me because she was ashamed. Frankly, I couldn’t imagine what that would be since I’m pretty relaxed about most things. But once she told me that her fantasy was having sex with a bunch of guys at the same time, I worried that maybe she’s been faking her interest or excitement for all these years, and I find myself feeling a little more distant from her ever since.
A: Sometimes, the answers we most want from a partner are the ones that unsettle us the most.
It’s disorienting to hear a partner share a sexual fantasy that doesn’t fit the image you’ve always had of them. But that’s the nature of fantasy - it lets us explore parts of ourselves that feel forbidden, frightening, or tinged with shame.
In many ways, our sexual fantasies occur at the intersection of our aspirations, conflicts and anxieties. They can offer a sense of mastery over the very parts of ourselves that hold us back from fully experiencing pleasure or expressing desire. One possibility is that hers expresses being so desired and desirable that not just one man finds her irresistible but a whole group of men do. This might serve to reassure her unconscious belief that she’s not attractive, sexy, or appealing - even if objectively she possesses all those qualities in spades.
Another idea may relate to the pleasures of giving up control. According to recent research by sociologists Alicia Walker and Arielle Kuperberg, “A huge number of women fantasise about giving up control, meaning being told what to do, being overpowered, but in a consensual and often emotional way,” Walker told me in an email. Walker and Kuperberg are co-authors of the new book, Bound by BDSM: Unexpected Lessons in Building a Happier Life.
They found that women’s fantasies tend to fall into a few key themes: romance, power, taboo and curiosity. “There’s a reason Fifty Shades sold over 150 million copies,” Walker told me. “These fantasies aren’t about violence; they’re about letting go - about being desired so intensely you lose control.”
How might other fantasies work? Someone who has a lot of guilt about being sexual might fantasise about being forced into it because they don’t have to feel like it’s something they initiated. Another person might prefer to be controlled or dominated because so much of the rest of their lives they’re constantly in charge. Think Paul Giamatti playing a US attorney who regularly sees a dominatrix in the television series Billions.
Why are some people excited by spiked heels, leather pants, or lingerie, while others are more excited by the enormous range of sizes, shapes, and attitudes we humans possess? As psychoanalyst Michael Bader writes in his book, Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies: “A huge amount of psychological information is packed into a simple fantasy. [They] undo rejections, turn helplessness into power, redeem feelings of unworthiness, and stamp out even the slimmest vestiges of depression.” Or as the actress Shirley MacLaine said, “Sex is hardly ever about sex.”
That’s why it’s important to hold both truths at once: the realities of your relationship and the separate, often more unruly, logic of sexual desire. Moving from understanding the general dynamics of fantasy to thinking about your wife’s specific fantasy can help you respond with more perspective.
For example, you may be tempted to think that her fantasy of being with multiple men at the same time reflects poorly on you - that somehow you’re not sexy, exciting or fulfilling enough. However, if she had another partner, she’d probably have the same fantasy because of the way it gives access to parts of herself that she can’t otherwise reach. In the same way that a great romantic partner can’t fully heal our wounds from childhood, a great sexual relationship can’t fully resolve our deeper conflicts about pleasure.
Paradoxically, some of the qualities that make for a great romantic relationship - being empathic, attuned and careful - may be at odds with the kind of self-interested pursuit of pleasure that a good sex life requires. Those other-centered qualities can sometimes interfere with our ability to get lost in the moment because we’re too focused on our partner’s feelings and not our own.
Before you decide what her fantasy “means”, remember that sexual fantasies are not blueprints for real-world behaviour. Many people are aroused by ideas they’d never want to act on; they may even be turned off if they actually happened. Her disclosure doesn’t directly mean she’s dissatisfied with you or planning to live it out. It means she trusted you enough to open a very private door into her imagination.
That trust is worth supporting. Sharing her taboo fantasy was risky in the way that it exposed her to your potential judgment, disgust or shame. The fact that she told you, knowing it might change how you see her, suggests intimacy rather than distance, so try to respond in a way that reinforces that trust.
It can also help to examine your own reaction with curiosity instead of judgment. What, specifically, made you lose respect? Was it the sexual content itself? The moral meaning you assigned to it? A fear that it changes who you thought she was? Sitting with those questions before jumping to conclusions can make space for a more nuanced understanding.
This moment could be an opening rather than a rupture. If this feels too intimidating, consider meeting with a sex therapist to get support about your different reactions and perspectives.
Not every fantasy needs to leave the imagination to be satisfying. You might explore them in ways that keep them firmly in the realm of play - through erotic storytelling, role-play or simply trading ideas in conversation. Boundaries can remain intact while curiosity and connection grow. Since you’ve both admitted you’ve never talked much about fantasies before, you might treat this as an invitation. What excites you? What’s emotionally charged for you? Where do your desires overlap? Even if you never act on each other’s fantasies, knowing one another more deeply can be erotic in itself.
Finally, keep in mind that sexuality is multilayered. There’s attraction, there’s behaviour, and there’s fantasy. They influence each other, but they’re not the same. A partner can love you, be attracted to you, and be fully committed while still having an erotic life in their imagination that looks nothing like your shared reality.
If you can meet her revelation with openness, you may find that the honesty you asked for can be a bridge to deeper connection - not a wall between you.