How to say ‘no’ to invites without losing your friends

Honesty is rarely the best policy when it comes to declining party invitations. Photo / 123rf

OPINION

Your friend is having a Christmas party on Friday, you can’t face it; don’t worry, just tell them you would rather catch up with Slow Horses if it’s all the same to them and you’ll see them in the new year.

If this sounds off the scale rude and a lot like a move designed to alienate the party-giver then that’s only because, according to a new study, we overestimate how negatively people will react if we RSVP with a “no”.

According to the scientists, invitees are far more likely to respect your honesty, and bear no grudges, so the message is just say “no” and don’t bother with polite excuses.

Well, not so fast. Clearly no one involved in this study has ever given a party, or organised a dinner, or gone to the effort of getting a gang together for a weekend. If they had, they would know that the only possible excuse for replying “no” to any of the above is a prior engagement, Covid/the winter virus; or being out of the country. If you send a picture from A&E, that’ll work too.

And nobody on the planet accepts “fancy a night in” as an excuse for non-attendance; it’s as rude as it gets to choose hair-washing over seeing your chums and if that is what you are doing you must never admit to it. So do not do as this study suggests, if you want to keep your friends, and instead read the “Social No” rules below.

Then again, isn’t friendship about being prepared to show up, even if it’s not perfect timing for you? Photo / 123rf

How to say no to a party during a heavy week

“So sorry can’t do that night” is what your host wants to hear and nothing more. If the invitee is in your Circle of Trust, you might go further and say: “Aargh, terrible week. Can I see if I’m alive by Friday?” Then again, isn’t friendship about being prepared to show up, even if it’s not perfect timing for you?

The Nos you cannot say

No to being a godparent (unless you’re the King and already have 33 godchildren; the limit for a civilian is probably half that).

No to the wedding of any family members/godchildren.

No to your friend’s wedding (even if it’s number three and you’re not on board).

No to making a speech at your friend’s big birthday (unless the request brings on a panic attack, in which case they’ll understand).

No to any party arranged months in advance, unless you have a watertight excuse (at this range, a specific excuse is necessary), eg we will be in Greece.

No to funerals.

No to an emotional assist call. Eg please come for supper, I’ve got the Whatsits coming and I’m scared of them.

Saying no to your Christmas party is okay - if you do it the right way. Photo / 123rf

The times you may say no (and the right excuses)

No to your Christmas hooley, because I am in meltdown, have a sore throat and haven’t slept for two nights (unspoken: you know I never bail unless it’s serious).

No to your holiday invitation. Because I don’t ride/fish/have a spare couple of grand (unspoken: also don’t much like Geoff and Hannah).

No to your New Year’s Eve party. Because we’ll have just got back (unspoken: we can’t keep up with that hardcore crowd).

No to your dinner party. Because the middle one’s only just got home (unspoken: don’t ask us to the scary networking ones, ask us to the fun ones.)

No to the weekend involving fell walking and wild swimming. Not sure we’re very walky people (100 per cent too wholesome and already feel depressed at the prospect).

Best ways to say no

No, but I really want to see you, what about next Friday?

No, but if the red line vanishes I’ll be there.

No, but can I take you out to lunch the next day?

No, but can we have you here when we’ve got past this month of hell.

Never say no and then …

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