Why people overtalk
Our minds were designed to be egocentric, Alison Wood Brooks, an associate professor of business administration at Harvard Business School, explained to me recently. “Self-disclosure feels as good in our brain as eating chocolate or having sex,” said Brooks, author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves.
For many, she said, “that’s a hard force to fight against”.
Also, big talkers are often rewarded for their ability to inform and entertain.
At the extreme, over-talking may be caused by a serious mental health or neurological condition, such as ADHD, autism or bipolar disorder. Long-winded people may also struggle with social anxiety and fill the airwaves to cope with nervousness, self-doubt or social jitters.
If you, like my patient, want to better manage the chatterboxes in your life, consider these actions.
Look within
If you seem to attract overtalkers, get curious about the dynamic. Like my patient, you might have trouble being assertive and find it easier to listen than interrupt.
Some people also find it scary to expose their opinions and thoughts and prefer to have another person run the conversation. Others may be such good listeners that people gravitate toward their attentional aura. If any of this sounds familiar, setting boundaries (or finding friends who are better turn-takers) could help you grow personally.
Have empathy
Big talkers can’t always control themselves, so try to be patient in addressing the issue with them. Think of the over-talker as having a nervous habit or a blind spot, and remember that it’s human nature to be self-focused.
Be honest
When the talker is your partner, child or close friend, offer a direct statement such as: “I know you like to share your opinions and ideas, but I think sometimes you annoy people.”
If that feels too harsh, try something like: “You are such a great storyteller, but I think you would benefit from asking questions. You can learn a lot that way.”
Then explain that research consistently shows people who ask good questions are more appreciated by their conversation partners.
Be situation-specific
I coached my patient to first address her husband’s end-of-day download. She told him: “Hey, I know you have a lot to tell me at the end of the day, but your updates are long and I start to zone out. What if we took turns filling each other in?”
From there, over time, she was able to talk about other situations where she felt he was talking too much and listening too little.
If you’re on intimate terms with the talker, try some levity. “Whoa, you have a lot to say about that!” or, “I think you just talked without pause for 7.5 minutes.”
Point out the pattern in real time, before you rely on an old ineffective pattern such as tuning out or escaping.
Take a quiz
At your next get-together with a garrulous pal, whip out the Talkaholic Scale and suggest you take the quiz together. You might preface it with, “Hey, let’s figure out which one of us is chattier.”
The 16-question scale was developed in 1993 by Virginia Peck Richmond and James McCroskey, when they were professors of communications studies at West Virginia University, to identify compulsive talkers.
Introduce a new topic
Overtalkers can get bogged down; help them out by interjecting something novel and juicy into the conversation. While it may seem rude, it could help your chatty friend out of their anxious need to fill the silence and create a better dialogue.
Don’t be shy about jumping to an entirely new topic – it will probably make the interaction much more interesting and give you a greater sense of agency in the conversation.
Help them make a graceful exit
If you want to politely end the conversation, provide a conversational assist such as: “Okay, so it sounds like you are saying [insert a summary here] …”
If they are talking about an emotional topic such as a recent breakup or their boss’s bad behaviour, try, “I know this is upsetting, can I give you some feedback?” Or if you want out of the conversation, “I’m sorry you’re struggling.”
Create a hard stop
Some people will talk too long no matter what. Get before by giving them a time limit: “Happy to talk, but I have just 15 minutes, then I need to get on another call/run an errand/take the dog for a walk.”
Walk away
You can always invent an emergency. A trip to the bathroom, a visit to the bar or the urgent need to answer a text are good ways to get out of a one-sided exchange.
Overtalkers can be fascinating and entertaining. Learning to set boundaries helps you enjoy the best of them while creating a healthier and less resentful dynamic.
Lesley Alderman is a psychotherapist based in Brooklyn.
