Separating during a divorce, which can take a year or longer depending on the issues, is not always possible. Photo / 123RF
Going through a divorce is difficult, but if you’re forced to live together while splitting, it can be brutal. These practical tips from former spouses, lawyers and psychologists can help.
I tidied my desk in the corner of the main bedroom, stacking colourful pads of Post-it notes and sorting pens into a mug that read “Hello Happiness”. I imagined a fence around my tiny office space - electric, preferably - to keep out the person I once loved. When trapped with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse, the same four walls that once encased a happy family felt increasingly constraining.
Separating during a divorce, which can take a year or longer depending on the issues, is not always possible: existing-home sales in the United States are at their lowest since 1995, according to the National Association of Realtors, while mortgage interest rates have hovered around 7% in 2025 compared with 2021, when a 30-year, fixed mortgage rate was just below 3%. At the same time, rent in many places is high. The result is often that couples who need to break one household into two are left grappling with an awkward and unhappy togetherness.
One recently divorced woman said that during the heat of the process, her spouse wedged the queen mattress from her bedroom halfway down the stairs while she was watching TV at night, obstructing her ascent when she was ready for bed.
Shana Vitek, a family law attorney at Beermann LLC in Chicago, had a case where one spouse secretly installed cameras to watch and listen to the other spouse. Since then, her firm has employed private investigators to sweep houses, cars and computers to find tracking devices.
In another case, she said a husband took all his wife’s shoes and moved them to an undisclosed location; the wife then threw a party where the guests downed her husband’s extensive and expensive whiskey collection. And the spouse of a third client installed a lock on the main bedroom to block the ex from intruding when the spouse and the kids hung out there together.
“Going through a divorce is already an extremely difficult time, but if you are forced to live together while doing this, it can be brutal,” said Rob McAngus, a lawyer at the Mueller Family Law Group in Dallas. “Spouses can also fixate on the other spouse’s problems and try to ‘document’ everything they do wrong.”
Vitek said one often-effective solution is to create a legal order agreed to by the divorcing couple that sets out appropriate cohabitation boundaries. “We ensure one spouse doesn’t sabotage the digital thermostat by making it extremely hot or cold in the house or adjusting the viewing range of security cameras, which both parties should have access to,” Vitek said. “Leaving dishes in the sink or not flushing the toilet are other issues” that often need spelling out.
Such agreed-to orders are recognised by a judge if peaceful living expectations start to fall apart. “Violations can incur punishments in the form of monetary fines, payment of the other party’s attorney fees or even permanent removal from the home,” she added.
And they sometimes are enough to keep things calm, regardless of what might have precipitated the divorce. “If you have children, this is not a person you can just stop having a relationship with altogether. You need to proactively build a new one as a co-parent,” Vitek said.
Gail Grossman, a psychologist who works with families in complex, high-conflict situations, gets her clients to write and sign the antithesis of a marriage license: “a disengagement contract”. This document “acknowledges the past but focuses on the future. They enter into a new relationship that is no longer romantic, rather exclusively focused on being good co-parents,” she said. “We read them aloud. People get emotional. It’s powerful. You’re making a commitment to show up for each other in a new way.”
Vitek said she recommends that clients hoping to make cohabitating work set agreed-upon parenting schedules and use communication that follows something called the BIFF Response - brief, informative, friendly, firm.
But for high-conflict cases, Grossman said, “you can only do the dance if the other partner is following your steps”.
She said she tends to encourage divorcing partners to focus on one issue at a time, instead of piling things on: “Don’t do the kitchen sink thing, keep your feedback focused on one problem and always bring it back to how your living situation impacts the children.”
Asha Dore, 39, a writer in Seattle, said her ex lived on a couch in their garage on and off for five years, before, during and after the divorce. “I had to think of him as a random roommate, not my ex-spouse, which helped me be more patient and respectful,” she said, adding that developing a routine and healthy boundaries in the initial months helped them both.
Dore said they used a parenting app to keep their shared finances and parenting schedules organised. “I knew when he would be with the kids cooking dinner in my kitchen,” she added, “so I could go somewhere else.” She said it saved her sanity.
Given the high emotional costs of divorce, not everyone fares well. Jacqueline, 61, a New Yorker who asked that her full name not be used for privacy reasons (and whose ex had wedged her mattress on the stairs), said her advice for others is, “If you’re stuck in the same house, sleep in separate bedrooms and stay as far away from each other as you can.”
Living together as you’re divorcing has its disorienting moments as well. Grace Carter, 31, a writer from Virginia, said during the period they continued to share their house, they sometimes ended up doing things together. “Sometimes when we both burst out laughing at the same news segment or accidentally folded laundry simultaneously, it felt like we could be back in harmony,” she said. “But it’s not real. It’s muscle memory.” She said she knew the divorce was the right decision, but felt conflicted when caught off guard in those happy moments.
Vitek said that many struggle to deal with the new norms. For example, she said, “clients will complain that suddenly their ex is cooking dinner for the kids, but they never did that before”. The introduction of new rituals like this can make it seem like one parent is trying to win over the kids. But it’s important to be open to these changes post-marriage, she said. “Try not to feel threatened. It’s best for the kids to have two good parents.”
Even without kids in the home, boundaries can lead to harmony. Emillio Mesa, 44, from San Francisco, was in a committed relationship for almost a decade and continued living with his partner for an additional two years post-split, both for financial reasons and because it was during the pandemic.
“I used a whiteboard to tell him when I was on a call so he didn’t knock on my office door. We also had our own rooms where the other person just didn’t go,” Mesa said. They used email to communicate shared expenses and schedule changes to avoid unpleasant encounters at home.
“If you’re stuck living together, you need a sacred space, even if it’s to fall apart,” said Olivia Howell, a divorce consultant who co-founded Fresh Starts Registry to support people going through divorce. She encourages clients to create a comfortable area of their home for themselves, no matter how small, and to spend as much time out of the house as possible.
When she went through her own divorce in 2019, she got creative: “McDonald’s is the best workspace for people going through a divorce with kids.” Howell used the free WiFi to work while her boys expended energy in the Play Place. She said the vibes in her house were negative as her soon-to-be-ex frequently wanted to discuss legal issues, which distracted her both from her work and taking care of their young kids (ages 3 and 5 at the time).
In a Facebook group, one divorced woman reported a cost-effective reprieve from their ex by accepting a temporary job as a pet sitter. She stayed in a nearby apartment caring for a dog and two cats - with the benefit of using the owner’s living space rent-free.
Vitek said that can be a good approach: “If it’s not your parenting time, go stay with a friend or family. Get away during shared hours and use that time to take care of yourself.”
For me, the yoga studio was a welcome respite at night and better than an awkward encounter in the kitchen or hallway.
While obtaining a marriage license is generally quite quick, divorce can be a slog. Rarely does anyone get through it with their home life unfazed. Sometimes, the persistent friction of living together adds anger and difficulty, but thinking about the future can bring peace.
In my sacred desk space, I wrote “my tomorrow” on a sticky note and pressed it onto the adjacent window. The sunlight beamed through the small square as if to infuse energy into my written intention. It reminded me that soon I would be living a bright future in a space all my own - and I could manage until then.
It has nothing to do with passion.