How to become self-sufficient in a small apartment

Here's how to run a small-holding from your small holding. Photo / Getty Images

If we manage, with luck, daring and a little criminal activity, to get a house these days, we're supposed to be so grateful that we don't mention the lack of garden. There's no indoor-outdoor flow because there's no outdoors to flow to; there's some indoor-footpath flow but it's not the same - and people keep nicking your sun lounger. Don't let high-density housing crimp your dream to own a lifestyle block. Here are five ways you can run a smallholding from your small holding.

Raise animals

Think small. Smaller. No, smaller. Have you considered the benefits of farming your own gut bacteria? Contained beautifully in a purpose-built facility, these cute little animals handle their own herding and effluent. Indulge in the fascinating pastime of selective breeding, using kimchi and sauerkraut; you might want to open a window if you're expecting guests but it's worth it to one day breed your own distinct strain of biota which you can name after yourself. You can even export your animals by registering yourself as a fecal transplant donor.

Raise crops

Anyone who ever idly googled hydroponics knows what can be achieved with a cupboard, some grow lights and a loose regard for the law, but there are many ways to cultivate plants in an apartment. Disable the bathroom fan to see a proliferation of interesting microflora. Leave the dregs of a cup of tea to cool, then leave it some more, until it becomes more than just a liquid: a friend. Your carpet can be a bed for mushrooms - simply add water and keep it warm. You'll be sharing the love with the downstairs neighbour, whose mysterious ceiling crop circles will be a talking point, especially with the body corporate.

Offer grazing

If you're not interested in farming your own animals, you can always enjoy the benefits of offering your land for grazing. Begin simply by leaving out a little sugar. Once your ant herds are established, you can move on to bigger stock. Cockroaches are elusive animals, but when you've glimpsed their lustrous chestnut coats gleaming in the sun you'll be glad you embarked on the urban rural life.

Fence me in

As New Zealanders we're legally obligated to use number 8 wire for something at some point, so fence the flat. Watch the envy in your friends' eyes when you refer to the top paddock and the home field. Of course, you'll never be able to invite them over in case they find out you mean the bedroom and kitchenette, but there's no room anyway since the lounge became the shearing shed and you barbed wired-off the loo.

Farmers' market

It's time to take your produce to market. Your mushrooms are ready to punnet. People enjoy artisanal sausages and the world is moving towards insect protein; so harvest your ants into a delicious breakfast chipolata. Or perhaps it's a freshly pressed virgin oil you'll produce, from whatever that stuff in the teacup is called now. Take your place at your stall (oddly, bigger than your farm), toes tapping to the obligatory felt-hatted busker, glowing with pride in your quarter-metre paradise.