They also don’t know whether their partner or spouse wants children, how they want to raise them or what they believe constitutes infidelity in a relationship.
When Jackson asked a couple who came to her for help how often they thought they should be having sex, one responded “at least on Valentine’s Day”. Their partner, meanwhile, believed seven times a week was about right.
“He realised later he was a sex addict and had to get help,” says Jackson, who is also an enrolled barrister and solicitor of the High Court of New Zealand, a trained divorce mediator and relationship coach.
For another couple, Jackson says the question brought up the fact that one wanted to have an open relationship and the other didn’t.
“People are really misaligned. They really don’t know each other well before they jump into a relationship. It’s not being able to confront the elephants in the room. And there are several elephants.”
But pointing out she is not “pro-divorce”, Jackson says, “People need to have hard conversations before the s*** hits the fan.”
What makes that even more difficult is that most of us enter marriage not knowing fundamental things about each other and with assumed gender roles - especially when it comes to finances and raising children.
“It’s something that we see a lot in our business ... around the economic disparity. Generally, women sacrificing their career to bring up the kids. We see a lot of situations where men don’t think it’s on the same level or on par with them working and [they ask] why should they be getting more of the potential total asset pool from a financial perspective - it’s a huge issue,” she says of divorcing couples.
And that’s why it’s important to ask those questions at the outset, she says: “‘Are we going to have kids and what is that going to look like? Who is the caregiver?’”
Beyond that, as tough as it may be, Jackson says it’s also important to consider these questions if things don’t work out.
“What does that look like if we separate, in terms of the children? All of these things need to be discussed when you’re in a good space.”
To help, Jackson has compiled a list of 60 questions for couples to work through which generate conversations around finances and raising a family, as well as mental health, sex and communication styles.
“If you’re serious about getting serious, asking your mate key questions is vital in the early stages of dating. This can help you determine whether you’re aligned on non-negotiables ... determine your overall compatibility and help you figure out whether the person you’re dating is on the same page.”
While questions around the frequency of sex or wanting kids will generally bring up binary responses and a clear line of discussion, other questions may not be so apparent as to the intention behind them.
Asking a partner “What’s last thing you apologised for?” is intended to reveal whether your spouse-to-be or long-term significant other potentially has a high-conflict personality, says Jackson.
“For example, if they reply, ‘It’s never my fault… I never apologise because I never do anything wrong’ - if you get that answer, there are red flags waving furiously.”
Similarly, asking your partner “What has been the most traumatic event in your life? How did you work through it?” will divulge how someone deals with trauma, says Jackson. Their response could allude to their ability for personal growth and willingness to seek professional help.
For those wondering just how soon they should sit down with Jackson’s questions, she says as soon as people feel it’s time to “make a commitment to each other”. And she adds it’s not too late if you’re already in a relationship.
“It sets the scene for a positive future environment.”
Because the reality is, “the facts say you’re likely to divorce”, says Jackson, adding that couples can expect about 13.6 years of marriage before they become a statistic and find themselves trying to uncouple their lives.
“We are still seeing in my practice a post-epidemic pandemic - as it relates to the divorce rate. Sixty per cent of marriages are ending in divorce in New Zealand.”
She says this figure isn’t “seen” as a New Zealand statistic “because Stats NZ do not report on the end of de facto relationships.”
However, the same issues in a divorce are encountered in de facto separations. In fact, Jackson is generally seeing more people entering de facto relationships where she notes the Relationships Property Act still applies.
In a list of 60 questions, it can be assumed people may get answers they don’t like.
In these cases, Jackson says it’s important to take “an assertive approach”, telling your partner: “I hear what you’re saying, but I agree to disagree with what you are saying ... Is there a middle ground or compromise we can make together to move forward?”
Ultimately, Jackson says: “A person needs to want to and be able to cope with navigating a committed relationship.”
