As more couples seek thirds or other couples, respect and transparency are vital to making ethical non-monogamy work. Photo / 123rf
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only
With almost three in four couples on one dating app looking for three-ways, here’s how to be a good “unicorn” and not end up a third wheel.
Ever heard of “ethical non-monogamy”? This is the respectful, consensual counterpart to unethical non-monogamy (otherwise known as cheating). Ethical non-monogamy is a relationship structure where all involved parties consent to have multiple romantic or sexual relationships – and it’s entering the mainstream.
This includes couples looking for a “third” – a practice that is often referred to as “unicorn hunting”. As a bisexual woman, I’ve stumbled upon a fair few of these profiles on online dating sites and they’ve been – for better or worse – a core facet of the procedure. But it doesn’t stop at threesomes.
Feeld, “the dating app for open-minded individuals”, reports that while almost three in four British couples on the app are looking for three-ways, half of the couples are looking for other couples to “explore and connect with”. In fact, in the past year, Feeld has seen a 34% increase in couples looking for a third and a 26% increase in couples seeking other couples.
In old-school parlance, this means that threesomes and swinging are well and truly back. But just as we now call it “ethical non-monogamy”, the rules of these relationships are being rewritten, too.
So how does all this actually work in practice? What’s the etiquette to save disappointment in the bedroom or awkward jealousies? I spoke to several couples who have mastered the art of finding a third (and sometimes a fourth). Nia* and Finn* are a young couple who have been practising “ethical non-monogamy” for three years; Lucy* and Freddie*, another young couple, who have made a meaningful connection (and great memories) with another pair; and Mac* and Sarah*, a married couple who occasionally invite a third into their marital bed.
Unfortunately, dating apps are littered with couples posing as only the female half of their pairing – luring bisexual women into a false sense of security. My trio of couples agree that there’s a better way to approach it: with transparency.
For example, all three of our couples use a shared profile, where both partners are clearly visible. They all used Feeld, a dating app designed for people in the kink, queer and polyamorous communities, that has a “constellation” function that allows joint profiles, as well as “desires” tags, such as “FFM” (two females and one male) or “threesomes” to indicate preferences openly.
Lucy, the spokesperson for her couple, explains: “It begins with swiping, and we then have to hope and pray we get a match with someone real and actually interested in more than trading nudes.” Finding real profiles is a challenge, though, as “apps are full of fakes, and finding genuine people can feel like a treasure hunt”. And ghosting is common: “Once we create group chats, people often vanish.” She adds that “we’re not innocent ourselves; if conversations are too one-sided, we just lose interest”.
For couples looking for other couples, transparency and mutual interest are still essential, but the dynamic shifts slightly. When both partners have someone equally invested in the connection, it creates a more balanced foundation. Lucy and Freddie, for instance, initially met the female partner of a polyamorous couple on Feeld.
“We talked for weeks before meeting,” Lucy shared. “Eventually we met at a bar in London, where we clicked instantly. That first night, we were too drunk to play, but it was clear we had great chemistry. Later, her male partner joined us, and we began exploring together as a foursome.”
Once a match has been successfully made and there’s a date in the diary, what then? Moving from WhatsApp chats to an in-person date is different, and as Nia puts it, “I’m always more nervous before these dates than with a standard two-person one.” After all, three’s a crowd.
During the date, couples make sure to check in with each other. Both Nia and Finn and Mac and Sarah explain that they often wait until their date makes the inevitable trip to the bar or toilet and will then seize the opportunity to “have a quick chat with my partner to make sure that we’re both into whoever we’re on a date with”.
Once it’s been established that everyone is into everyone, couples must overcome the biggest hurdle of all; making the first move. “The awkward dynamics of who kisses who first just get multiplied when there’s more than two people,” says Finn. Between the standard two people, a first kiss is often preceded by some heavy eye contact, but when there’s three of you… “whose eyes do you stare into?” They conclude that “it feels more natural for the other person to go in for the kiss if we’re the couple”.
If the date progresses from the bar to the bedroom, communication remains essential. Mac explains: “If we all end up in bed together then, it’s more of the same – checking in, asking how each other is feeling. Sometimes we pick a safe word with the person we’re with, just in case anyone feels uncomfortable.”
For couples exploring connections with other couples, chemistry becomes an interplay of four different personalities. There’s more variety and, when it comes to sex, the old adage “too many chefs” doesn’t necessarily apply…
“Play ranges when we’re with the couple because all four of us are ‘switches’,” says Lucy. For those who are unfamiliar with the modern dating lingo, “switch” refers to people who are happy to be both dominant and submissive – to be in charge or to be taken charge of. As Lucy goes on to explain: “We’re happy to shift the power dynamic and experiment together. It’s always exciting to try new sensations, especially with their collection of toys. We love dressing up and even performing mini fashion shows for each other.”
The added layer of familiarity – having a partner by your side – can make the experience feel safer and more equitable. It also opens the door to shared creativity. “When it’s all four of us, it’s less about a couple inviting an outsider and more about exploring together as equals,” Lucy explains.
However, Nia warns that “the logistics of foursomes are trickier than threesomes. In threesomes it has felt clearer that usually it was two-on-one, or one-on-one with one watching, or around the edges, but foursomes more often split into two parallel couples. In previous foursomes, as we were all bisexual, all couple combinations were possible. But during other foursomes we have all merged into one, but it was such a mix of who was doing what, whose head was where, that we’re uncertain about the details of what happened”.
Group encounters are a minefield in other ways. What if your partner isn’t as into the third/fourth party as you are? What if someone winds up feeling “left out”? What if you wind up sitting naked on the sidelines, catching a chill while desperately looking for an opening in the tangle of limbs? What if your partner realises sex is much better with someone else than it is with you?
Nia goes on to explain that “there’s the classic anxiety that someone would like your partner more than you. But actually that’s happened, and I’ve honestly felt neutral about it, if not happy for Finn. I guess if you go into it with a competitive angle with who can give the best kind of oral pleasure, that’s just not going to work out. I don’t think either of us are like that, and I think we’re also both very comfortable in having sex that’s not a performance”.
As well as considering how inviting others into one’s bedroom might affect your relationship, couples also have to consider their guests. “There are so many weird unicorn hunters out there that we were anxious to not come across as that,” says Finn. “We weren’t seeking out a threesome for a particular reason or purpose – for example, exploring our own sexuality, spicing up the bedroom, or as a birthday present, which we’ve seen as reasons on dating apps – we were just there because we thought it would be fun. We didn’t want to make the person feel like they had to act like a diplomat and show balanced and equal affection and interest between us.”
The reality is that, in a situation so open, vulnerable and intimate as this, jealousies and insecurities are highly likely. Accepting and embracing the discomfort – and then communicating it sensitively – is crucial to the success of these encounters. In fact, even an “unsuccessful” night is likely to have yielded a helpful lesson on boundaries and expectations.
So, what happens once the dust has settled? Finn and Nia describe romantic scenes of “long debrief conversations, usually on a bus in the early hours of the morning. We’re always tipsy and finding everything too funny”. They’re often left with a sense of “weird, cheeky giddiness” afterwards.
Mac and Sarah describe the following hours or days as a period of “aftercare” and “recoupling”, the two of them “naturally feel more drawn together and closer”. And what of the “unicorn”? How is she taken care of after the experience? “We don’t have people stay over, because that’s our re-coupling time,” Mac explains. “If the third wants to hang out, we’ll offer tea or a chat, but usually they leave after a cuddle. I’ll check in with them the next day to see if they’d like another date.”
As for connections between couples, these can often lead to long-term friendships. “We’ve attended kink and fetish clubs with the other couple, but we’ve also done completely wholesome things like dinners, game nights, and even spent New Year’s together,” says Lucy. “The dynamic feels natural, and we’ve grown genuinely close over time.”
All being well, the connections made can extend well beyond the bedroom (because no, ethical non-monogamy and polyamory aren’t necessarily all about sex).
There is a lot of stigma for these couples to overcome. Even within the ethically non-monogamous and polyamorous communities, “unicorn hunting” is often used in derogatory contexts – dismissing those who look for a third as predatory and exploitative. I agree that it can be exploitative when couples treat bi women as mere vehicles for their desire and fail to consider their unicorn’s feelings or desires. Or when couples are deliberately deceptive about their intentions.
What’s more, polyamorous relationships remain pretty taboo in wider society
You might be tempted to dismiss these couples as sexually perverse heathens, but when done right, these triads, throuples, threesomes, foursomes (whatever you want to call them) can be a source of love and affection and adventure.
As Nia says: “It’s a unique experience to be able to discuss a date or sex you’ve just had with someone you love – no judgment, no embellishment – just an honest play-by-play exploration of how everything made us feel.”
*Names have been changed
The average age of patients in the study was just 38, highlighting risks for younger adults.