How technology has changed relationships (for better and worse)

Technology is both inescapable and changing the love landscape with every blip and beep. Photo / 123RF

There's no doubting that technology has changed how we're conducting our relationships, and the speed at which we're conducting them.

It comes up in my couples' practice every day without fail, because it's both inescapable and changing the love landscape with every blip and beep.

I first noticed it when the iPhone became ubiquitous. Since then, it has, quite literally, changed the relationship game. With our tiny computers in our pockets and handbags, we can now connect faster, more easily, more sneakily, and - on some levels - more ambiguously. (Ever tried to decipher a 'tone of voice' through text message? Nightmare.)

Newly defined and moulded by technology, here are eight ways in which relationships have morphed in the past decade:

1: Connection

Facebook, Skype, Twitter, texting... keeping touch is now incalculably easier, which is actually a good thing for committed couples. No more hunching over a hotel telephone shouting into the long distance pips at the cost of a down payment on a house, no more horrible static, no more not-talking for days on end when away for work. This is a giant leap for humankind. Unless you don't want to be reached. In which case, it might be time to ask why you're in the relationship in the first place.

2: The soul mate search

Do you want to meet someone, romantic or platonic, who also believes John Lennon was God/80s movies were peak cinema/naked yoga is the wellspring of life? Whatever floats your boat, online communities point you straight to others who 'get it'.

3: Ease and power

Waiting to be asked to dance will never again be the norm. Not in the West, anyway. Tinder and its copycats have made sure of that. It's addictive, say its biggest fans, and fun. It accelerates the game. And evens up the playing field for men and women. Just be aware that emotions are as old as time. Take care of yourself out there.

4: Texting

Research shows men use it more when they're not happy in their relationship and women feel more connected when they get multiple messages from their partner. This can lead to anxiety, especially when text 'tone' is misread. Still, it's useful if you want him to pick up some more milk.

(As an aside: ever struggled to reply to a difficult text message from that special someone, or to find a response to that totally dumb message you just received? Textie.co is a brand new site which crowd sources responses to your most intimate and awkward texts - whether about love, sex, dying relatives, mental illness or estranged friends. It takes trusting strangers to a whole new level.)

5: Breaking up is easy to do

Binder, launched last month, sells itself as the Tinder for breaking up. It is, in effect, an un-dating app. Enter your soon-to-be-dumped partner's name, gender, photo and phone number and swipe to the right to "bin" him or her. Select from a number of inane break up rationales like "you just don't do it for me" or "I don't like your nose". Binder will send the text for you and leave an automated voice message that you have been dumped. Nice.

6: Affairs

There are many unapologetic dating sites - Ashley Madison being the most notable - and apps for cheaters. Branson Wase, the founder of app OpenMinded, says most of his 700,000 users are in 'committed' and 'conventional' relationships and have made a pact that monogamy can include open extra marital affairs. Or we could just call a spade a spade and call them open marriages. Technology doesn't change that.

7: Let the internet be your boyfriend

Enter Australian tech guy Dan Groch like an avenging Cupid to offset the likes of Binder. His soon to be active website, HeroBoyfriend, promises you a regular ping about important dates, as well as personalised gift suggestions. HeroBoyfriend will even come up with ideas for sweet talking your girl. At least it's well-intentioned.

8: Immediacy

It's the double-edged sword of technology: we're so connected it can feel weird not to be, even for half a day. The assumptions of an immediate response to text, email or otherwise sometimes makes me think of the little girl with the red dancing shoes that wouldn't let her stop dancing.

This can create anxiety, not just at work but where needy and insecure partners are concerned. Or when wanting to take it slow is your objective.

We are wired for attachment, but remember to keep your own pace, and if you feel rushed or crowded by someone, talk to them about it. You may have a different approach to staying in touch during the day.

- nzherald.co.nz