How I raise my kids in an open relationship

Open relationships are becoming more common, with committed couples choosing to allow their partners to seek sexual connections with other people while maintaining a regular, conventional day-to-day life with their families. Photo / Getty Images

We’ve been together for 15 years and although most couples would find it horrifying, both of us sleep with other people

Whether they’re dropping off their children at the school gates, helping with coding or walking their mini-golden doodle on the beach, Danielle and Rich are typical modern day parents. They’re loving, attentive and ambitious for their 10-year-old son, an advanced mathematician, and their 7-year-old daughter, a keen reader.

The couple support each other’s careers (she’s in marketing and an aspiring author, he’s in software), share the cooking and outsource the chores. The only thing belying their Boden-esque wholesomeness is that – unbeknown to the other parents and neighbours – their marriage of 11 years is non-monogamous.

“We decided to be ‘open’ soon after we met, 15 years ago now,” explains Danielle, 40. Rich, 44, says when he first met this “vivacious, beautiful redhead” he instantly knew that he “wanted to spend the rest of my life with her”.

They tied the knot in Vegas dressed as the Little Mermaid and Jafar from Aladdin – with 20 friends all dressed as Disney characters – in 2013. “Then we exchanged vows in a ‘grandma-friendly’ white wedding in my home town which was very traditional, no one except a couple of close friends knew the truth about our relationship,” says Danielle.

“Having children was always important to us, and I wanted to recreate the secure family unit my own parents – still happily married after 45 years – had given me,” explains Danielle. She conceived aged 29, with her pregnancy being their only one of two periods of monogamy in their marriage. “I felt incredibly sexy, and we were so excited about the baby, that just happened organically.”

Danielle’s second pregnancy three years later was different, and she “didn’t want to be touched at all”. In a move that would outrage most other grumpy, knackered expectant mothers, she gave her husband the go-ahead to see other women.

“I realise it’s unusual,” admits Danielle. “But I was mum to a toddler while leading a team at work, by the evenings I craved my own space. We’d been ‘open’ for eight years by then and our marriage was very secure. I only asked that Rich avoid dating anyone we knew, and meet them outside of our neighbourhood.

“I wasn’t jealous or threatened because what we had together was more important. People assume – if you’re open – that there’s more danger of ‘being left’. But being monogamous is no protection against someone leaving either. When open couples split, people blame non-monogamy. Yet nearly half of ‘regular’ marriages break down, and no one says monogamy is the cause. It’s a strange logic.”

That doesn’t mean Danielle is immune to any disgruntlement. While Rich was dating once a week, she resented that she wasn’t getting her own break from parenting.

“I wasn’t jealous of another woman, only that I wasn’t getting that same time for myself. We argued a bit before agreeing that – regardless of anyone dating – we both needed a night to recharge by ourselves. For me, that can mean going for sushi, alone, and reading my book.”

What will further raise eyebrows is that after their daughter’s arrival, Danielle credits a liaison with another guy for shifting her baby blues.

“The birth was complicated, needing two emergency surgeries, and left me with a C-section scar that looked like a lawn mower had run over my stomach. I was exhausted, breastfeeding and hated my body. Despite Rich telling me every day I was beautiful, I couldn’t hear it from the person who’d held my hand and seen my body destroyed during labour.”

When their daughter was 4 months old, Rich encouraged Danielle to go out with friends, hoping it would lift her spirits. The last thing on the new mother’s mind was romance. But on a sailing weekend, an unexpected fling with a crew member brought back her mojo.

“As unlikely as it was, when another man said I was beautiful, I could hear it differently. I hadn’t packed a breast pump so I remember, quite comically, standing in a hot shower desperately trying to make my boobs less engorged.

“You might wonder why on earth the sailing guy would be interested in a married, new mum, but he was very open-minded. And yes, I know it’s not ‘feminist’ to need that male validation to tell me I was desirable. But I’m sorry, there’s nothing like a new romance to make you feel alive – and interesting – again.”

When Danielle returned to work after maternity leave, Rich picked up the domestic slack at home. “He was never one of those dads who needed labelled Tupperware and instructions, and I was never one of those mums who was totally anal about baby routines. He just got on with the nappies, bottle-making, and cooking. Of course we sometimes bicker about putting the bins out or grocery shopping, but he’s a wonderful dad who takes pride in looking after his family.”

Over the course of their marriage, each has enjoyed two long-term relationships with others (generally they meet through the more open-minded apps), plus “a few shorter ones” – but they won’t state any numbers. Their second phase of monogamy (which lasted nearly a year) was instigated by Rich when their daughter was 3 and he felt that they were drifting apart as a couple and that they needed to “regroup” and focus on their own bond for a while.

When either are in the throes of a heady new flirtation they won’t lay in the marital bed while WhatsApping. “We might have 10 minutes on our phones then we put them down. It wouldn’t be respectful to chat to a guy with my husband in the room,” says Danielle.

An ex-girlfriend of Rich’s even once joined a family holiday to Palm Springs – invited by Danielle as a birthday surprise for him. “We mostly all played with the kids in the pool,” shrugs Rich. “The girlfriend had her own bedroom, I doubt she’d have wanted one of the kids climbing in with her, and Danielle and I shared a room. There was nothing sordid about it and it’s not about threesomes.”

Over the years, the couple have honed the practicalities, and to ward off potential rows, they have separate financial allowances to spend on their activities with other partners (such as hotel rooms and dates). Such is their trust, they know each other’s passwords for everything but don’t pry, their motto is “privacy not secrecy”. They hide nothing but allow each other freedom.

Most of their time is spent as a family, and once a week a babysitter comes so that they can go out together – which doesn’t necessarily end in sex. “We’ve been married 11 years after all,” laughs Danielle. “Being open doesn’t mean we’re sex-crazed or constantly ‘at it’. We share some wine most nights, then I’ll watch TV while Rich listens to music. And like many wives I’d appreciate more flowers and romance sometimes.”

While the couple are entirely comfortable with their arrangement, they don’t “shout it from the rooftops” at the children’s school. “Mostly in case people think you’re hitting on them or inviting them to some kind of orgy,” admits Rich, “which can be tremendously socially awkward.”

“Years ago when we lived in America one school dad at a kids party confessed that he and his wife had a ‘third wheel’ in their marriage,” says Danielle. “He then asked me if I knew what a ‘throuple’ was and I laughed and said, ‘yes I know the term…’ then we moved to the back of the group and had a lovely fun gossip together.”

Danielle began posting about her relationship on TikTok in 2022, and occasionally has been recognised – once at a National Trust stately home in Bath (of all places), and another time by a customer in Superdrug, who approached Danielle and confided that she too was polyamorous, and now the pair are friends.

“The reason why I decided to be public about my marriage is because there aren’t many examples of healthy, non-monogamous relationships out there (and even fewer 15 years ago when we got together),” says Danielle. “I started sharing my stories and all the tips I wish I’d been able to read about.”

Earlier this year, the couple explained to their eldest that Mum and Dad have other boyfriends and girlfriends. “He asked why three people can’t get married, and we explained that would make things like the insurance and mortgage more complicated, but hopefully one day,” says Danielle.

“It was a complete non-event – he shrugged then asked to play Pokemon,” adds Rich. “Our dating is irrelevant to his life. He’s too young to have a strong sense of relationship ‘norms’ or what sex is.”

Rich dismisses concerns that the children will be bullied about their parents’ decision. “Is it worth switching our whole lifestyle in fear of the kids being teased? I don’t think so. We’re in this family too, and we get to do things the way that we want, it doesn’t all have to be in service of the kids. It’s not irresponsible parenting to balance the kids’ needs with our own desires.

“Surely the crucial thing is that we’re happy and loving as a couple, so the whole family benefits. Of course we would support our children in whatever decisions they make when they’re older about sex and relationships – how could we not? I hope we will have set a loving, committed yet open-minded example.”

Many people don’t approve of their set-up – including Danielle’s church-going mum who “really struggled with it initially”. “Mainly because they didn’t understand and were worried for the children,” explains Danielle.

Indeed, most of the criticism Danielle receives is primarily because she’s a mother. “People say it will mess up the kids, which feels a little bit unfair when you look at today’s divorce rates. And if dating ever impacts my time with the children then I just don’t do it. Or they assume I bring men to the house all the time, but I’m still a mum – I wouldn’t bring random strangers home. Rich and I usually go to the other partner’s place, or a hotel for any overnight stays, whatever feels more comfortable.”

Neither rules out monogamy in the future – especially if illness, ageing or menopause changes the dynamic.

“If one of us felt like we didn’t want to be open we’d talk about it – as we have always done. It would be a shame but not a big deal. Open relationships go wrong when people are clutching for an excuse to get out of a marriage that’s failing. I trust and love Danielle so I just want her to live the fullest life she can,” says Rich.

“Ultimately, we are married because we found our person,” says Danielle. “We want to spend our lives together. We have kids that we are both passionate about providing a secure future for, we coach each other through our careers, we make decisions and daydream about the future together. But being ‘open’ gives us freedom and maintains desire and excitement in our lives which – let’s be honest – can evaporate by midlife.

“We utterly adore each other and know we are lucky to have such a secure relationship. Marriage is much, much bigger than sexual exclusivity.”

If you’re interested in reading more about Danielle’s life, you can follow her @openlycommitted across all social channels.