NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Handling extreme age gap love: 'My husband is 70, I'm 35'

By Ruth Dawkins
Washington Post·
13 Nov, 2018 11:31 PM7 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Ruth and her husband. Photo / Courtesy of Ruth Dawkins

Ruth and her husband. Photo / Courtesy of Ruth Dawkins

"I got another one," I say, passing my phone across the table. "She's 26 and he's 58. It's been six months, but he hasn't let her meet any of his friends yet."

My husband rolls his eyes and hands the phone back without bothering to read.

"Tell her to run," he says. "Run like hell. It's never going to work."

Conversations like this occur regularly in our house. The emails, tweets and blog comments seem to come in waves. I'll get nothing for a few months, then three in a week. I reply to every single one.

In 2011, I wrote an essay for the Guardian titled "He's not my father, he's my husband" - about being with a man who's 35 years older than I am. In it, I wrote about the intense conversations my now-husband, ironically named Young, and I had on our first dates, the support we received from our families, and our eventual decision to get married and have a child.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

The essay was shared widely online. After a week or two enjoying the warm glow that comes with seeing my name in print, I was ready to move on. Then the emails started.

"Hi Ruth, I don't normally message people I don't know."

"Hi Ruth, I've been waiting so long to read a piece like yours."

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"Dear Ruth. We were hoping you could offer us some reassurance."

Unexpectedly, I found myself in a Dear Abby role for hundreds of couples with large age gaps. I am still astonished by the intimate details that people will share with a stranger. It is an honor to be trusted with so many secrets, so I always take the time to respond.

The letters are overwhelmingly from women, and they are, without exception, intelligent, thoughtful and self-aware. Many of them have weighed the pros and cons and have decided whether their relationship is worth the risk. They realize that other people may judge them; they understand the very real possibility of being thrown into a caretaker role at a young age; and they accept that the chances of reaching a golden wedding anniversary are slim. Most are realistic about what the future may hold but believe that love will make it worthwhile.

Sometimes there are red flags: an ex who is still a little too close for comfort, or one partner who is reluctant about introducing the other to family and friends. Several of the couples who have written me are colleagues as well as lovers, and in a few instances the relationships are extramarital affairs. These are the stories that make me and Young widen our eyes at each other and shake our heads, but when it comes to replying I try to point out the problems as gently as I can and suggest they need to be dealt with.

Discover more

Opinion

How to save at the supermarket and brace for Christmas

11 Nov 06:21 PM
Lifestyle

Bride's horror accidental text from mother-in-law

24 Dec 09:00 PM
Lifestyle

Out with a bang! Woman celebrates divorce by blowing up wedding dress

13 Nov 08:55 PM
Lifestyle

Family auction off 'virgin bride' on Facebook for 500 cows

13 Nov 08:06 PM

Often, all I do is remind these people that difficult conversations happen in all relationships. Every couple worries about their health, their finances, their chances of having a family. We are all concerned that we will become less attractive as we grow older, that our interests will diverge or that one of us may become ill. Even a partnership that looks perfect on paper holds no guarantees.

For some of the women getting in touch, it seems that simply writing to me is cathartic enough, and my reply to them is never acknowledged. By writing down their story, they have given themselves permission to make a choice - to continue with their relationship or end it.

Other times, a short initial message becomes an ongoing dialogue. Young and I both exchanged emails with one couple for several months, and Young even agreed to talk by phone, but they have been quiet now for several years. I wonder sometimes whether they were able to overcome the challenges they faced, both real and imagined. I have taken to Google a few times to see whether I can find any new information about them. So far, I've had no success.

Happy endings are excellent, though. One woman, who first got in touch about four years ago, had a number of issues to work through with her boyfriend, who was 36 years older than she was. When she stopped messaging for a few months I was worried, but then a link to her wedding photos arrived in my inbox. He had proposed after a skydive, and they had married shortly afterward. They looked radiant and full of joy.

Not long ago the same woman added me as a friend on Facebook, and they now have two giggling, rosy-cheeked children. Looking at pictures of her husband goofing around on the floor with their daughter reminds me of Young and Tom at that age. It makes me smile to imagine all the fun they have ahead of them.

The unintended but welcome consequence of being asked for advice on other people's relationships is that it prompts me to reflect regularly on my own. I don't have a stock answer that I copy and paste when I'm asked why my marriage works. Instead I take the time - every time - to think about what is easy and what is difficult at that particular moment.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

There are consistent themes that come up: the importance of honesty and open communication, the need for respect and patience, and a willingness to accept that things will change.

Since I first wrote about my marriage, Young and I have dealt with new jobs, losing loved ones and several moves. But at our core, we are the same people we were when that essay was published nearly eight years ago. We have a small and tight knit group of friends who have known us for a long time and accept us without judgment. We both like to sit in front of a fire with a bottle of wine, some background music, and a good book or a piece of writing we are working on. And every night when we curl up in bed - sometimes just the two of us, other times with Tom between us for one last cuddle - we whisper that it is the best bit of the day.

I asked Young the other day whether he thought the emails would ever stop.

"Not likely," he said. "When we started dating and I looked online for reassurance, I read all about Charlie Chaplin and Oona O'Neill. Now when people go online looking for reassurance, they find us. We're not rich and famous, but we're real and we're happy. They'll keep emailing."

I suspect that he is right.

I am not an expert on any marriage or relationship, not even my own. But if I had to offer just one piece of advice to other couples, it would be this: The numbers in a relationship - 26 and 58, or 29 and 61, or 35 and 70, as they are in our case now - are the least important pieces of your story. Do not bother to count them.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Instead, count the things that do matter: the knowing, smiling glances; the moments of shared laughter; and the soft nights when you fall asleep still holding hands. Where there is love, trust and a commitment to making things work, happiness will follow.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

What is a 'cortisol cocktail', and can it really help relieve stress?

Lifestyle

'Comparable to therapy': Rich-lister Anna Mowbray quits social media

Premium
Lifestyle

Can ‘reparenting’ yourself make you happier?


Sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Premium
What is a 'cortisol cocktail', and can it really help relieve stress?
Lifestyle

What is a 'cortisol cocktail', and can it really help relieve stress?

New York Times: Wellness influencers say the concoction combats 'adrenal fatigue'.

17 Jul 06:00 AM
'Comparable to therapy': Rich-lister Anna Mowbray quits social media
Lifestyle

'Comparable to therapy': Rich-lister Anna Mowbray quits social media

17 Jul 05:00 AM
Premium
Premium
Can ‘reparenting’ yourself make you happier?
Lifestyle

Can ‘reparenting’ yourself make you happier?

17 Jul 01:00 AM


Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
Sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

01 Jul 04:58 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP