The glam granny insists her grandchildren call her by her first name. Photo / Robert Kneschke
From gift one-upmanship to who gets to spend Christmas Day with the grandchildren, Lara Crisp explains how to avoid grandparent clashes over the festive season.
Watching small children empty out their stockings, marvel at Rudolf's half-eaten carrot and cuddling up on the sofa to watch a festive movie after crashing form a sugar high is what Christmas is all about. It makes the 5am wake-up call worthwhile. Well, almost.
But who decides who gets the pleasure of the grandchildren at Christmas? And what if you feel you keep missing out while the "other grandparents" get more than their fair share?
Less than amicable relations between maternal and paternal grandparents – or "granimosity" – becomes tricky to overcome at this time of the year when everyone is trying so desperately to create the perfect family gathering.
As editor of Gransnet, the online community for older women, I see much anxiety in the run-up to Christmas when it comes to who's going to be spending it with the grandchildren. And by run-up to Christmas, I mean from July onwards.
Mothers of sons aren't (always) second best
The truth is in these days of increasingly complex family arrangements, children may have multiple sets of grandparents, step-grandparents and other extended family members wanting to see them, and there are only so many miles harassed parents can cover in one day.
While some mothers of sons think this means they are less important - "We are paternal grandparents and that means we're second in the pecking order" said one of our users recently - this isn't necessarily the case. Many of our users say that quite often it's simply circumstance that means the maternal mother-in-law is seen more, combined with the fact that daughters tend to feel more comfortable hosting their own parents.
Even if you do all live close by, unless someone in the family happens to own a small castle with a dining hall, it's unlikely you'll be able to accommodate all 23 of the extended family. And in any case, do you really want that pressure? Probably not. In fact, if you press the issue you may end up losing out altogether as parents may decide it's too much hassle trying to keep everyone happy and simply stay at home with the kids and see no one.
Is Boxing Day an acceptable consolation prize?
In situations like these, the collective wisdom on Gransnet is to give in gracefully and make the most of the time you're given. "The best way to alienate your family is to be constantly jockeying for position," says one of our users.
Sometimes it can be better to stagger the celebrations so that you - I'm sorry, I mean the kids - don't get over-excited and exhausted. If your allotted time happens to be on Boxing Day or even the following weekend, grit your teeth and make the most of it. Chances are the kids will be less hyper, there'll be lots of leftovers - so less pressure on whoever's hosting - and you can relax while they show you all their new toys. Many families alternate Christmases between the grandparents anyway, so there's a good chance it'll be your turn the following year.
And what about living up to expectations when it is "your" year?
After years of cajoling, negotiating, and (occasionally) the tiniest bit of emotional blackmailing, hurrah! They're finally going to be spending Christmas with you. But what if your Christmas doesn't live up to their expectations? Or worse, what if the other grandparent does it better?
One Gransnet user posed a question recently about how to make sure "her" Christmas with her grandsons was as special as those they'd been spending with the maternal grandparents in previous years. Advice from the forums was that you should never, EVER try to compete with the other grandparents' way of doing things.
"Celebrate Christmas as you did when your own children were little, or as near to it as you can get," one user advised. "Your son will recognise and love the traditions. Ask in advance if there is anything that they do that is absolutely indispensable, but don't try to copy the other grandparents."
Long-distance grandparents
Christmas is a particularly tough time to be a long-distance gran. Even though Skype and FaceTime are great ways to connect, the general excitement of Christmas Day can make your chat with them brief and chaotic, if it happens at all. Competing with new toys and adults' determination not to burn the spuds means you're unlikely to get a satisfactory exchange and it'll probably leave you feeling even more excluded than before, particularly if the other grandparents are hovering in the background. Our advice is to send a jolly text on the day and schedule in a call a day or two later when everyone has more time to talk.
Christmas gifts: what's important?
Seeing children open their gifts can be magical. But what if the other grandma has a bigger budget than you? Or worse, she simply likes to outdo you in the present stakes? Perhaps the other grandmother is given the wish list before you and claims that coveted special edition Lego set before you've got your shoes on. For some, competitive grandparenting knows no festive limits.
The consensus on Gransnet is that children see and understand more than we give them credit for and (especially when they are young) aren't easily swayed by how much is spent on gifts. The important thing, according to one Gransnet user, is: "Don't play the game! Children are not stupid. What counts is the amount of time you spend with them, playing with them, reading to them, listening to them and understanding them. That is what makes for a good relationship."
It's pretty clear that it's a rare family that doesn't have a bit of tension when it comes to arranging Christmas. But as long as there are a few compromises, it's possible for even the most competitive grandparents to turn granimosity into goodwill. Or as one wise Gransnetter puts it: "Surely, our first concern is the happiness of our children and grandchildren, not our own place in the pecking order?".
On your own for Christmas?
Whether you're on your own because you live a distance away, it's not "your" year, or you've chosen to spend it that way (totally acceptable too), what can you do?
1. Rejoice that your grandchildren have other family members who love them.
2. Make the most of having the remote control all to yourself and not being restricted to cartoons.
3. Spoil yourself with extra special foodie treats that wouldn't be possible or appropriate if you had a large gathering.
4. Find out what community events are on in your area. There are often Christmas lunches at town halls or churches for people without families to spend the day with, or people without the means to enjoy a big meal. You could also volunteer at one of the events.
Or, take part in a virtual Christmas get together. Sarah Millican's #joinme campaign is a wonderful way to connect in the festive season. The British comedian uses the hashtag on social media to connect all of those who could do with some company.
She begins on Christmas Day by explaining the concept to her two-million strong Twitter following and encouraged them to share it. Then she talks about what she's doing on the day to get conversations between her and the public using the hashtag going.
5. Or better yet, swap your glass of mulled wine for a strawberry daiquiri by booking a holiday somewhere sunny.
The first timers
When they heard the news that they were expecting their first grandchild, they did a little jig around the sofa. Every night since, Mary has been knitting tiny outfits, despite the due date being a hopefully balmy August. Trevor couldn't help buying the fetus its first proper bike. It was in perfect condition in the charity shop and it will only be another four to five years before the little scamp can use it. Worth taking up a bit of garage space.
The Mary Poppins grandma
She arrives with her giant suitcase a day before her daughter is due, and looks ready to stay for a few months, her son-in-law notes in panic. She's given notice to the series of local charities she chairs, or her biking group that she will be out of action on official "Granny Business" for some months. First thing's first, she needs to get this house shipshape.
The doting grandpa
After practically missing his own offspring's childhoods due to a punishing work schedule, he's now endlessly delighted by little Sadie's every utterance. After drawing up a rota for the grandparents to split the day a week childcare, he accompanies Sadie to her Tuesday morning playgroup, where he tries to make conversation with the mums, but none of them seem that interested. Too interested in their phones, he thinks.
The cruisers
It's lovely that both boys have nice wives and children, but Margaret and John are enjoying retirement too much to spare more than an hour or so once a month. To avoid awkwardness they book back-to-back Caribbean cruises, sending postcards from each port. When their sons drop babysitting hints they refer to crooked neck and dodgy hip: too frail. Keep it under wraps that the injuries were sustained at on-board keep-fit classes.
The Victorians
Philip can't understand why one of the children is moaning. And why he's not receiving a quick whack to the legs to shut him up. If you ask him, although no one does, it's the fault of the parents. They offer options at meal times and are overly preoccupied with safety. He doesn't see the point in spending $700 on a clunky car seat – chuck it in the footwell, as he did.
And safety gates at the top of the stairs? They'll learn quick enough without them.
His parents had the right idea: ship them off to boarding school aged seven and call your father "sir". Never did him any harm.
The glam granny
She's not quite ready to admit to herself (or anyone else) that she's grandmother age, so insists on first names only. She keeps her iPhone X clipped to her belt so she can reply in an instant to any WhatsApps from the grandchildren and follows the teens on Instagram (she knows "likes" equate to social currency). She generally enjoys doing all the things she would have banned herself 30 years ago, much to her daughter or daughter-in-law's dismay.
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