They promise the effect of liposuction without surgery. They will mould your wobbly thighs and sculpt your beer belly. In short, the new breed of what your nana used to call tummy tamers promises to turn you into a candidate for America's Next Top Model. Excellent.
But hang on, tummy
tamer is a phrase so quaint it's enough to make any modern woman wince. It brings to mind that era when elderly relatives wore giant pantaloons or boned and buttoned corsetry under their churchgoing dresses.
But the good old tummy tamer has changed a lot. These days even movie stars - of course, nobody knows which ones - wear what most of us might call foundation undergarments under their slinky dresses. And Oprah Winfrey extolled the virtues of some kinky knickers called Spanx on her show. They go from just above your knee to just under your chest. But as a reward for squeezing into them, they promise to have the same effect as minor cosmetic surgery.
It's a tempting prospect for the figure conscious - let alone those who have a favourite garment languishing at the back of the closet that they'd wear if only they could lose an inch or two around their (insert offending part of anatomy here).
So, in an attempt to boldly go where no self-respecting, all natural, boy-leg-hipster-wearing wench has gone before, we attempted to test drive some of the most popular, interesting and restrictive new tummy tamers on the market.
We hoped that various long-standing big-knicker mysteries would be solved. For instance, where does the extra fat go when you put on tummy tamers - would it be squashed onto your hips, or up onto your chest? Would our heroine be able to breathe in such a corset? How long can you wear these things? Would her digestive organs ever be the same again? Most importantly, would she lose inches where she wanted and be able wear that dress at the back of the wardrobe?
To find the answers, our willing victim carefully examined a wide range of undergarments and then wore each pair of pants for at least two hours. She also measured herself in two places: at her true waist, right in the middle, and then also across her lower stomach or beer belly, where your hipster-cut jeans would normally sit because this was where the most fat was. And yes, she did lose inches. And she did have trouble breathing too. So before you go crazy and throw your G-strings away, read on for the full results of this intrepid adventure into tummy-taming territory.
Note that it's also possible to get big knickers that slim your upper thighs and ass, but in this case our willing victim's major worry was her junior beer belly.
* CONTROL BRIEF
By Holeproof, $14.99
At first sight: A pretty black knicker complete with a bow, lace panels and polka-dotted cotton.
Special features: Firmer fabric than your average underpants. Waistband comes up to just under belly button. Good leg cut to avoid the dread visible panty line ( VPL).
Passenger comfort: Very easy to wear although it tended to slip down a little because fabric was softer.
Performance: Mainly psychological.
Good for longer journeys? Absolutely, they feel like normal undies only firmer.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea:
Not a problem although they could still be classified as big knickers.
Overall rating: Subtly pretty and makes your belly feel firmer but doesn't really pull it in.
* SHAPEWEAR G-STRING
by Jockey, $19.95
At first sight: A plain, black G-string with oversized frontage.
Special features: Extremely cunning design - fits just like an ordinary G-string except that the stomach is held in by a thicker band of what they call power mesh across the belly. Jockey also does other shapes in these power mesh pants.
Passenger comfort: Very comfortable. So comfortable it's hard to know how these manage to tame the tummy, but somehow they do.
Performance: Took nothing off the true waist because it doesn't go that high, but managed to get a whole inch off my beer belly without even trying.
Good for longer journeys? You could wear these every day.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: Go forth and drink as much tea as you want. Your knickers are not a problem.
Overall rating: Medium-hold, comfy and they certainly don't scream, "I am here because she has a big booty."
* ANSWERS HI-CUT CONTROL BRIEF
by Playtex, $24.95
At first sight: Slightly old-fashioned bikini cut.
Special features: Has a wider band around the belly along with very high cut legs.
Passenger comfort: Not good. This pair seems to cut into podgy bits in all the wrong places.
Performance: The opposite of what most of us want. Because of the way these pants are cut, the lower belly stays the same but any excess lard gets pushed out the top of the fairly low waistband, creating a vile-looking spillage over the top. Although these knickers took half an inch off my lower beer belly, the upper waist expanded by almost two inches. Weird. Well, the fat has to go somewhere but somehow the other tummy tamers manage to avoid this effect.
Good for longer journeys? Fairly uncomfortable - without tummy taming in return.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: The look of these pants isn't too heinous. However, if you're wearing them for a reason, fat bits in the wrong places may put your beau right off.
Overall rating: Not recommended.
* BODY CONTROL
by Bendon, $26.95
At first sight: Sleek, modern black underpants.
Special features: The gusset is practically unnoticeable and the waistband comes up to just under the belly button. No overt VPL and not too much chub hanging out over the top.
Passenger comfort: Very nice. Seems to hold the beer belly in well and looks good while doing so.
Performance: Good. Nothing off the true waist because they don't go that high.
But took half an inch off the lower beer belly.
Good for longer journeys? Absolutely. You could wear these all day.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: It's by no means a G-string but you should be able to pull this off - this is more like your average boy-leg-hipster-style undie.
Overall rating: An excellent all-rounder. There's a variety of nice colours so these look fashionable while applying medium force to your fat bits.
* MINIMIZER TUMMY BRIEF
by Triumph, $27.95
At first sight: Just big black knickers, really, in what appears to be a fairly traditional shape.
Special features: A tummy taming panel in the front of the pants. The waistband sits just above the belly button, the legs are high cut.
Passenger comfort: Relatively comfortable, moderately firm hold.
Performance: Good. Took one quarter inch off true waist and same off beer belly.
Good for longer journeys? Fairly comfortable although high-cut legs bite into your ass cheeks.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: You might just be able to get away with it if he's over 40.
Overall rating: Steady, reliable performer in a slightly old-fashioned package.
* EVOLVE
by Fayreform, $34.95
At first sight: Adorable white eyelet-style lace on white mesh.
Special features: The lace across the front is supposed to be a special firm hold. The waistband comes up to just underneath the belly button and the legs are low cut to minimise VPL.
Passenger comfort: Feels like a normal pair of underpants.
Performance: Purely psychological. No difference in waist measurements although when I ran to get the phone my flabby tummy seemed to feel less like jelly with these on. Probably what these do best is just cover up the stomach.
Good for longer journeys? No problem.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: This pair wins the prize for sexiest wannabe-tummy tamer. While they don't really hold you in, the white see-through mesh on the butt and the frontal lace make the best of your bottom and belly.
Overall rating: A bit like that male model. Hot but ultimately useless - you're wanting these for looks alone.
* THE BELLY BAND
by Nancy Ganz, $47.95
At first sight: Looks like something surgical.
Special features: Imagine a giant flesh-coloured piece of elastic that comes up over your belly button atop a pair of silky high cut panties and you're there. No VPL, no side seams. Touted as liposuction for ladies who lunch and one of the most popular of the iron-clad tamers.
Passenger comfort: Do not eat while wearing these. And don't try to bend over or slump at all. You will definitely feel your digestive organs compressed.
Performance: Incredible. Took three-quarters of an inch off my waist and half an inch off my lower beer belly.
Good for longer journeys? Because of the compression of your digestive organs you may start to feel queasy after a while. But hey, that Chanel dress is worth it. And the silky lower pants are nice.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: You'll need to rush to the bathroom to change into something more alluring. The belly band is deeply unattractive.
Overall rating: Amazing performance and you could get away with the look of these if you were desperate because, yes, there's worse to come.
Note: for something a little sexier, the Cheeky Boy Leg With Lace by the same manufacturer has a sexier look, with the same firm hold and panels of black lace around the legs.
* WAISTED LONG LEG
by Flexees, $99.95
At first sight: Frightening instrument of torture.
Special features: These pants are the closest thing we have in New Zealand to the Spanx that Oprah loves so dearly. They're made by Maidenform in the US and the distributors call it over-the-counter liposuction. They start just above the knee and end just below the breasts. They have various gussets in the stomach, thigh and bottom areas as well as some minimal boning.
Passenger comfort: A very tight fit. Hard to squeeze into. You really have to pull to get these on but not too bad once you're in.
Performance: Amazing. I actually have a waist. Thank you, Lord. These took three-quarters of an inch off my true waist and one whole inch off my beer belly.
Good for longer journeys? Sitting down may hurt and you certainly won't be slouching - Flexees will keep you rigid. You wouldn't want to wear them all day either as they will crush your liver and kidneys and possibly make you dizzy as well. You may not wish to take any deep breaths either. But a bonus is that they have a small flap in the crotch so you don't have to take them off in the bathroom.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: Don't go. Even if you get these off and then find somewhere to hide them (they're quite big) you'll be a different woman when you return from the restroom.
Overall rating: Astounding performance. This really is surgery-less liposuction. It's just a pity they look so nasty and fit so firmly. Then again, they probably wouldn't work if they didn't. Great for that special occasion.
* WAISTED BRIEF
by Flexees, $139.95
At first sight: Looks a little bit like an old-fashioned corset.
Special features: This works in a similar way to the Nancy Ganz belly band. There's a larger piece of stiff fabric, complete with some soft under-wiring, attached to a pair of soft pants. The stiff fabric reaches up to under the breasts so you don't get any chubby bits being pushed out the top.
Passenger comfort: This is pretty rigid - but these belly band things are certainly less uncomfortable than the full-body-armour versions with legs.
Performance: Excellent. Took an inch off my true waist and an incredible inch and a half off my lower beer belly.
Good for longer journeys? Only if you don't need to breathe too much. However, the kind designers at Flexees have put buttons on the crotch so once again you won't need to undress when you're in the loo.
Should some hot male model happen to ask you back to his place for tea: It looks more like corsetry so maybe, hmmm, go ahead if you think he has an old-fashioned underwear fetish.
Overall rating: Once again, fantastic for taming the flabby tummy.
But not the best-looking pair of pants in the world.
Forget the gym, new range of tummy tamers at hand
They promise the effect of liposuction without surgery. They will mould your wobbly thighs and sculpt your beer belly. In short, the new breed of what your nana used to call tummy tamers promises to turn you into a candidate for America's Next Top Model. Excellent.
But hang on, tummy
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