Hamish and Jana McPherson with their children River and Hunter. Photo / Supplied
Hamish and Jana McPherson with their children River and Hunter. Photo / Supplied
When someone you love is dying, people want to help. The problem is, according to one widow, they usually try to help in the wrong ways.
When food blogger Jana McPherson‘s husband Hamish became terminally ill she learned what she needed most was not people constantly checking-in, it was helpwith logistics.
Talking to Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on The Little Things podcast, McPherson says she wanted to prioritise time with her husband and children but felt obligated to deal with a deluge of messages from loved ones.
“We were dealing with so many questions about Hamish, even from people you haven’t seen for 10 years and you want to be able to get back to them, but it’s all time consuming.”
So McPherson created a system to reduce being bombarded with messages from well-meaning friends and family.
“I started doing what I called the Hamish report. So if you think about it, like the ski report … by 9am every morning, I will tell you how his night was, what he’s looking like for visits during the day.”
One message replaced dozens and helped protect the family’s energy.
Hamish McPherson with children Hunter and River. Photo / Supplied
Hamish McPherson died in early September 2023 after a short battle with cancer, but the family’s need for backup just to keep daily life ticking over kicked in well before he died.
Jana McPherson assigned jobs to friends to help keep on top of the extra tasks involved in caring for a sick loved one.
“I delegated someone to do admin for me, which I know sounds kind of boring,” she says. “Can you email this person back and tell them how Hamish is?”
Others tackled phone calls, sorting accounts and dealing with service providers. A whiteboard listed tasks visitors could choose from.
“For one person it might be fix the hose, for the other person it might be jump on the phone with Sky TV … people want to feel like they can do something.”
Help with life admin was crucial for Jana McPherson while her husband was terminally ill. Photo / Supplied
McPherson says the experience of caring for someone who is terminally ill is exhausting. Partly because of the grief, and partly because of the extra work that comes from adding someone else’s life admin to her own.
The lessons McPherson learnt during her husband’s illness stayed with her after his death. She now recognises accepting help is not weakness, it is efficiency.
“You can let people help ... people want to be able to help.”
The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every second Saturday.
