In psychology circles, people pleasing – also known as fawning – is regarded as one of the “4Fs” of trauma, alongside flight, fight and freeze.
In Britain, most of us pride ourselves on being excessively polite, quick to apologise and oddly enthusiastic about queuing (rain? no problem). But trying to be a “pleasant” person can turn into excessive people pleasing. In fact, psychologists have a specific term for this, “fawning”, and believe this kind of embedded and excessive people pleasing is a result of something much more destructive from our past.
In psychology circles, fawning is highlighted as one of the “4Fs” of trauma, alongside flight, fight and freeze. It’s something we do as a response to a disturbing incident or damaging environment, usually in childhood.
Eve Menezes Cunningham, a BACP senior-accredited supervisor, trauma therapist and author of 365 Ways To Feel Better, explains: “It’s an adaptive survival response. Consciously or unconsciously, there’s the fear, ‘If I don’t please this person, I’ll be rejected, hurt or abandoned’. It mostly impacts women, but can affect men too. The more marginalised the person, the more they might have learnt to be ‘pleasing’. When trauma comes into the story, its impact has wide-reaching effects.”
These words resonate. My own mother struggled with depression throughout my childhood, meaning she was often absent – physically and emotionally – either locked in her room crying or staring into space with glassy eyes that didn’t notice her child. I grew up in the shadows; quiet and compliant. I did everything I could to make her smile. Even today, although I understand the roots of my behaviour, I find myself pandering to friends and working hard to feed the needs of those around me.
Just last week, I drove a colleague home after a night out, regardless of the fact it was nearly midnight and I was exhausted. “No problem,” I insisted as they said goodbye, my hands gripping the steering wheel with repressed tension.
Menezes Cunningham says, “Of course there is internal stress for the excessive people pleaser; they can’t be their true self and their feelings are buried. The fear of rejection means they mask what is going on for them. It’s what they’ve learnt to do to feel safe or reap approval, but it’s exhausting and potentially harmful in the long term.”
The signs you’re an excessive people pleaser
1. You apologise by default
When things feel threatening or tension ramps up, an excessive people pleaser will say sorry as a quick way to smooth things over. Because they are so terrified of being rejected or getting pulled into a “scene”, they will accept the blame to avoid conflict or being scorned. Some excessive people pleasers (EPPs) will even apologise before anything dramatic has actually happened to safeguard a successful outcome.
“If you grew up in a household where there was a lot of drama or arguing, conflict is likely to be triggering for you,” says Menezes Cunningham. “You are highly attuned to keeping the peace, and if that means over-apologising, then you’ll do it. But this behaviour can become a habit, and you apologise by default even when the occasion doesn’t need it – that responsibility to “fix” the situation can become an emotional burden.”
2. You find it hard to say no
In her book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, Dr Julie Smith writes: “People pleasing is a pattern of behaviour in which you consistently put all others before yourself, even to the detriment of your own health and wellbeing. It can leave us feeling unable to express our needs, likes and dislikes and unable to hold boundaries or even keep ourselves safe.”
This learnt way of interacting with people not only pushes them towards compliance, it throws up negative beliefs: “If I disappoint this person they will hate me, I’m selfish if I don’t go along with this, it’s my job to do things for others, my needs are unimportant…”
It’s typical for an EEP to perceive themselves as the one who saves the day. This gives them a sense of self-worth; something they desperately crave. But while always saying yes might solve the dilemma in the short term, there can be lasting risks.
Consider this scenario: your boss asks you to stay late, and although you need to buy dinner on the way home and walk the dog who has been left alone for hours, you quickly say “of course”. At 8pm, as you finish working, your stomach growls with hunger, you suspect the dog has now piddled on your carpet, and resentment swamps your mood. But before you go, you smile widely at your boss and wave goodbye.
Sarai Monk is a psychotherapist working in a private practice in London. “Of course these repressed emotions will come out in other ways, sometimes as anger, and there can be a high cost,” she says. “I’ve seen typical EPP patients struggling with passive aggression, demotivation, chronic pain and depression.
“Often, this type of behaviour is an entrenched unconscious pattern,” Monk continues. “An EPP will be constantly monitoring what’s going on and adapting their own behaviour to facilitate the other person’s mood and state of mind. All of us need emotional closeness from partners, friends and parents, but the EPP will experience a continual longing which is rarely fulfilled, thus fuelling the excessive pleasing cycle.”
3. You unconsciously make assumptions about situations
Monk explains that EPPs often don’t check in with reality. They unconsciously build scenarios or assumptions in their head about what is going on, which means they tend to ignore the facts.
“One of my patients was going on holiday with a female friend and was feeling frazzled with the pre-vacation build-up,” she says. “But rather than fly out from his local airport, he drove six hours to the airport closest to where his friend lived.
“His ‘assumption’ was that his friend needed him to be on the same flight. In my patient’s mind, he believed that if he didn’t make this sacrifice, his friend wouldn’t want to go away with him. Driving long distance in a state of stress was preferable to potential rejection.”
4. You put up with toxic relationships
Because EPPs stay vigilant about nurturing the requirements of others, they can become ensconced in unhealthy relationships. Back in the year 2000, psychologist Shelley Taylor came up with a stress response theory known as “Tend and Befriend”. It refers to how some people, often women, respond when in a threatening or stressful situation.
The “tend” part involves being caring and keeping others safe; the “befriend” is about turning to others to feel secure. When a close connection with someone during times of stress is made, the brain releases the hormone oxytocin, which helps lower anxiety.
Of course, this can be beneficial, but with EPPs, they veer towards tend and befriend at all costs. Not only do they go above and beyond to please, they are more oblivious to the manipulative and damaging involvement of a toxic partner. What’s more, the rewarding hormone boost could endorse that acting in this way helps reduce their stress levels, encouraging them to repeat their extreme actions.
5. You don’t point out a wrongdoing
If you inform the waiter that your soup is lukewarm, you run the risk of confrontation – an EPP would rather eat frozen food. The responsibility to protect the feelings of the other person is so ingrained, EPPs may even believe they are to blame for not ordering a different dish that might be hotter.
“The sad thing is, it can be terrifying to reveal their true self,” says Menezes Cunningham, “And that can prevent them from being authentic. Others may have no idea they don’t feel safe enough to be themselves, but see through their constant congeniality, recognising there is something off.”
Sadly, friendships can be hindered too. If an EEP never puts their foot down, how can a “real” relationship be built? The person who always goes along with everything and never offers their opinion could even be highly irritating and frustrating.
Another factor Menezes Cunningham has seen in her years of therapy practice is the impact on health. “Suppressed stress depletes the immune system and contributes towards serious disease,” she says. “The body is constantly being flooded with cortisol. Dr Herbert Benson, an American pioneer in mind-body medicine, found that up to 90% of GP visits were because of stress-related conditions.
“Awareness of what’s happening is key to building a healthier and happier life. That may not be easy for an EPP because their actions are so embedded, but with the right support, you can retrain this default behaviour.”
How to stop people pleasing
- Practise doing uncomfortable things. For example, saying, “No, I’d rather meet Wednesday, not Thursday.” Initially, you might want to try this out on a trusted friend, partner or even a therapist. Start gently, reflect on how safe it felt, consider the aftermath (it’s possible nothing disastrous happened) and, if you feel confident enough, go again.
- You are hard-wired to be your own worst critic. Try to take pride in small wins.
- Menezes Cunningham advises, “regularly give yourself an authenticity check… Is this what I want? Do I really mean what I am about to say? What am I trying to achieve in this situation? Do I feel safe enough to say how I feel? Over time, you should build an internal muscle to be more assertive.”
- Remember, turning your attention to yourself is not being selfish. It’s about learning to make change.
- EPPs hold onto feelings of guilt – but it’s unhealthy guilt. Believe you have done nothing wrong and start feeling okay with trusting what people say to you is true. If they apologise for making you late, don’t leap in to take ownership of the blame.
- Recognise this has been your survival response. You have a choice not to behave like this any longer.