Your teen may not like being lectured - instead, look for ways to guide them in their relationships. Photo / Getty Images
Warning: Content may be distressing.
OPINION:
The father of my gentle 17-year-old godson tells me about his son's ex-girlfriend. She insisted they share passwords, jealously read every message he'd sent to female friends months before they dated. One night his father overheard him sobbing at 2am, because she'd accused him of flirting and was sending text after accusing text. He was begging apologetically because it was easier – though he'd done nothing wrong. She often threatened to kill herself, and he'd spend frantic hours on the phone trying to soothe her.
After reading When Love Bites: A young person's guide to escaping the trap of harmful, toxic and hurtful relationships, by psychotherapist Cathy Press, I'm troubled. Would any of us know if our teenager were in such a relationship? How much abusive behaviour do we attribute to immaturity?
My godson's parents had voiced concern, but he'd excused her. (Such awful parents – he had to look after her. Also, sharing passwords was "normal.") If he was confused about what love entails, so were they. His mother says: "There was a relationship. They did laugh together, walk her dogs and eat pizza."
It's sadly true that many young people suffer far worse from a partner – but what are we excusing here? Isn't this like saying my husband doesn't gaslight, control and belittle me that often? Cathy Press – an expert in the arena of domestic and sexual violence and abuse for more than 25 years, who trains other practitioners including social workers and police – is clear.
Two instances of coercive or controlling behaviour equates to a pattern. Context matters of course, but in a healthy relationship, you'd feel safe to tell the other person you didn't like how they treated you, and they'd apologise, take responsibility and not do it again.
"When you're in a relationship where somebody cares about you and accepts you for who you are, likes you and has fun with you, it will feel easy," she says. "If it feels difficult, if it's becoming a burden, if you're frightened of saying the wrong thing, there's something clearly wrong.
"The minute you start to feel responsible for the other person's wellbeing, for making them happy, for calming them down, for placating them, and you're filtering the things you say – it's a sure sign you're in a coercive relationship."
Coercion, says Press, is when you find yourself doing something because you think you have to, not because you want to, because you're worried or scared about your partner's reaction if you don't. They use humiliation, intimidation or even assault to harm, punish and frighten you. If you try to leave, they might threaten an overdose, or say "you'll set me off cutting myself again" – using guilt to control you.
My godson's situation isn't unusual, she adds. But why is abuse so prevalent in teenage relationships? Press says it's almost become acceptable to be controlling – "to push people into things, to coerce, to blackmail. There seems to be a bartering constantly about what we will and won't do which is completely normalised, whereby kids don't recognise they're being coerced – it just looks like this is what everyone does."
And shockingly, many young people today experience the most severe abuse from their partner while still living at home with their parents. It can be psychological, physical, sexual or emotional. Press estimates that two-thirds of young people experience some form of relationship abuse at least once. It's often insidious – until it's not. So what seems thrillingly passionate initially – but is a danger sign – is the person who love-bombs you, rushing you into a relationship, "You're amazing, I want to be with you all the time."
In a loving, respectful relationship, teenagers might choose to cancel an arrangement with friends to be together. But in the context of abuse, says Press, it's sinister. Soon enough, if the victim wants to see friends, their partner sulks. So the victim feels bad and cancels the friends. Or the abuser might lie that the friends have said horrible things. Or they might threaten to share that naked photo they took. By isolating their partner (often from family too) the abuser ensures they become dependent and subordinate.
"Typically, one partner takes more control, and we see it girls to boys, girls to girls, boys to boys, boys to girls." Or however they define themselves. It's across the board. Often, "parents are utterly oblivious". When they start secondary school, she says, "You come off the gas a little bit." Because they push for more independence, it feels normal if our teenager is tucked away upstairs with their tech but, says Press, because so much of their life is on their phone, they can be at risk "in the four walls of their own bedroom. You don't have to be physically with someone for them to be coercive or abusive."
But haven't we raised our children to believe they deserve kindness and respect? "It doesn't matter what your experience has been or the value systems you've been brought up with," says Press. "You can be the most loving, happy, gorgeous parent and still have children who find themselves in this situation."
It doesn't help that in adolescence what your parents think is less important than fitting in with your peers. Even if we hope we're modelling the fundamentals of healthy relating to our teenagers, they do romance their way – which may be, as Press says, "you've got to prove you can be there at any point in the night, you've got to answer the phone as soon as they call". She adds: "Eighty per cent of girls will stay in a relationship once they've been hit by their partner."
And if we're baffled that young people can think cruel, controlling treatment is acceptable, look around. "Gaslighting is common," says Press. From twisting the facts, making someone feel like they don't know what they're doing, belittling them and making them feel stupid, berating them in front of others for being not good enough, "we're living in a society which is doing that on a regular basis. On Twitter, on social media platforms – it's rife in our society."
Another more stark form of abuse that children fall prey to is online sexual coercion – which escalated during the pandemic, says Press. In this situation, there's little or no pretence of a relationship. One 12-year-old was pressured into sending an older boy explicit photos, then blackmailed into meeting, and raped. "This is unfortunately becoming part of our youth culture," she says. Press ascribes it partly to the impact of porn and society's apparent tolerance for aggression and violence. But she adds: "It happens at the hands of people who feel fully entitled to behave that way."
Press recently worked with Hannah, 20, who was struggling with anxiety – in particular, getting the bus to college. It emerged that when she was 15, doing her GCSEs, she met a boy on Facebook through mutual friends.
"We spoke for a short period online, and then arranged to meet," recalls Hannah. When they met in person, she had "a bad gut feeling", but says "I thought I was just anxious as I hadn't met with a boy outside of the school environment before." She "lacked the knowledge" to recognise coercive behaviours in a sexual partner, and felt "pressured to follow along with whatever he wanted".
Over three months, he raped her. She didn't tell her parents, as she says: "I thought the things I was experiencing were all normal in relationships, that it was just me being a wimp or too sensitive because I felt such awful anxiety, depression, and emotional and physical pain. I didn't realise at the time that it was a deeply harmful and non-consensual relationship."
Hannah "locked away" the memories, but says: "It affected every area of my life – trusting others, confidence, trusting myself." Her work and health suffered. She had flashbacks – "feeling like it had only just happened". Sitting on the bus, with people behind her, unable to leave, triggered panic. It was only through speaking to Press that this courageous young woman began to understand.
Of course, the big question is, what can we do to protect our teenagers? We can advise them to take their time getting to know someone. They need to know what's normal and what's not, says Press. In an ongoing dialogue, remind them that in a healthy relationship your partner will never push you into doing anything you don't want to do.
"They won't put you down, bully you, ignore you, sulk, not want to see you, threaten to post things about you that aren't true – particularly in light of not getting their own way." They never make you feel bad because they didn't get what they wanted.
"No" is a complete sentence, Press writes in her excellent book which with its beautiful artwork, and invaluable information in bite-sized chunks about how abusive behaviour manifests and makes you feel, is perfect for teenagers (and anyone). Press talks about what a good relationship looks like: "Being liked for who you are, supported, given your own space"; and "someone who cares about you, isn't demanding of you 24/7 or making you feel like you get it wrong all the time". They celebrate you and your achievements, they don't make you feel ashamed, or minimise them. They don't idolise you, "but they build you up – they don't reduce and dismantle you into feeling awful about yourself".
But teenagers can be secretive – especially if they're a victim of a controlling partner. So how might we tell if our teenager is in a potentially toxic relationship? "They might be a bit spiky, defensive, become more introverted, spend more time away from the family," says Press. In assuming it's just their age, "we can misread the warning signs. Those changes in behaviour are key."
Don't discount your instinct. If they're communicating less, get them out on a walk or drive, and say: "What's going on? I'm a bit concerned about you. And it is my job to check in because I care about you more than anything, and I can help you if there's something wrong." Even if they insist everything's fine (they may feel too ashamed to confide) it will help that you've noticed.
Other red flags include anxiety. "If they're a bit panicky, jumpy, not letting there be a beat between the phone starting to ring or a message coming through, and then picking up and scrolling through." They might not sleep well – "they're anticipating being messaged, disturbed". Question a change in appearance, or statements like, "If I got a piercing, or lost weight I'd look better." Press says that "'I'm not quite right' is often a manifestation of being treated in a way that makes you feel you are not good enough".
Teenagers rarely appreciate lectures, she says, but find opportunities to guide them indirectly – for example, if you were watching Love Island together, you might say, "I don't like the way so-and-so treated X – I wouldn't tolerate that in a relationship." And she notes that when my godson was crying, he needed to hear his father say: "It's not acceptable for her to treat you like this."
Persist. Keep the conversation open. "'What are they like as a person?' Without being super-nosy, give the impression you're bothered and interested." Then it's easier to make observations. If, for example, their partner stops returning messages, you might say: "That is the passive-aggressive behaviour of the bully. It makes you worry 'what have I done?' Why don't they just tell you what's upset them?"
Avoid being judgemental, but if your child is prickly, you might say: "The fact you want to storm out of the room means I can't be that far off." If they insist their partner's lovely, say: "Tell me how he/she's lovely." Eventually, says Press, "the penny will drop".
But perhaps the situation is acute. Are they scared? Have they been threatened? Are they being blackmailed with the threat of sharing explicit images? Are they being bullied by friends of their partner? Then your direct intervention is required.
"Being afraid isn't a reason to stay in the relationship," says Press. "Let them know you fully support them and will help them access support. Point out that it appears they've been trying to manage the relationship on their own, and things are getting worse not better." Look online together at information support services – you may require their input to help your teenager leave.
My godson regained his confidence and sense of self. Hannah, who suffered so much, is slowly recovering. The saying is true – bad things happen to good, sensitive, caring young people. "We know it happens to everybody," says Press. "Open your eyes, be aware. We parents need to be on top of our game."
The Charmer
Bribes you with gifts, love-bombs you, promises not to do it again, cries.
The Taker
Sends sexts, gets you drunk or stoned, coerces you to have sex, flirts with your friends.
The Keeper
Tells you what to wear, follows you everywhere, stops you seeing friends, constantly messages you.
The Bully
Does your child's partner make threats, give evil looks or sulk?
The Mindmixer
Laughs at you, gaslights you, compares you to others, puts you down.
If you're in danger now:
• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.
• Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you.
• Take the children with you. Don't stop to get anything else.
• If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay.
Where to go for help or more information:
•
Crisis line - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7)
•
Helpline - 0508 744 633 (available 24/7)
•
Family violence information line - 0800 456 450
•
Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children. Crisis line - 0800 742 584 (available 24/7)
•
For information on family violence
•
Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga:
National Network of Family Violence Services
•
Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women
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