Five signs your friend is an emotional drain – and what to do about it

When friendships feel more exhausting than enriching, it’s time to reassess the dynamic and protect your wellbeing. Photo / 123RF

Our friendships are a key part of life until they start to sap the colour from it. Here’s how to spot the signs and adjust the dynamic.

I have a confession to make. I have recently just stopped returning a friend’s calls. I feel terrible, but not as terrible as I felt after her hour-long moan-fests.

Her negativity, self-absorption, and constant complaining had started to feel like a huge drain.

It’s always the same problems, which she never takes any responsibility for and never does anything to change. Any suggestions or questions are batted away, and she seems entrenched in a glass-half-empty mindset. And it just feels very one-sided.

I am the one forever listening. There are never any questions about my life. It is all about her.

It’s normal for us to moan to our friends; we are allowed to complain about our partners or kids now and again. It’s part of what friendship is about – a safe place to unload.

But what do you do when a friendship starts to feel unequal, negative, and draining? How do we address it?

If it’s something extreme like cruelty or outright conflict, then it’s obvious. But what happens when a friendship starts to inhabit a grey area, neither good nor bad, but subtly exhausting?

Negative relationships can take a serious toll on your health. Studies have found that ‘frenemies’ can increase stress hormones, raise blood pressure, and even weaken the immune system.

These relationships may not be malicious, but the effect is undeniable: they sap your energy, undermine your confidence, and weigh heavily on your mental health.

So how do you spot an emotionally draining friend? And crucially, how do you manage such friendships to protect your own wellbeing without cutting ties altogether? Here’s how to recognise the tell-tale signs and adjust the dynamic.

1. You leave feeling flat or drained

One of the clearest indicators of an emotionally draining friendship is how you feel after spending time together.

Do you consistently leave interactions feeling exhausted, unheard, or vaguely dissatisfied? A good friendship should be mutually energising, but an unbalanced one can feel more like an emotional workout.

Georgina Sturmer, a counsellor and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, notes: “When a friendship is one-sided, i.e. when one person offloads all their problems without leaving space for the other, it becomes emotionally taxing. Over time, this dynamic can create resentment, even if the friendship has positive aspects.”

If you find yourself regularly depleted, it may be time to step back and reassess. Rather than silently soldiering on, consider shifting the dynamic. For example, if they constantly dominate the conversation, gently interject with: “I’ve got some news, too”.

2. They never ask about you

Healthy friendships are built on reciprocity. A true friend doesn’t just talk – they listen. They show interest in your life, celebrate your wins, and empathise with your struggles. If your friend rarely inquires about you or dismisses your experiences, it’s a sign the relationship may be unbalanced.

Noel Bell, a psychotherapist and spokesperson for the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy, explains: “Good friends are naturally curious about each other. If your friend consistently redirects the conversation back to themselves, it can leave you feeling ignored or undervalued.”

This behaviour might not always stem from selfishness. Sometimes, it’s a sign they’re struggling with their own issues and can’t offer the balance you need. Still, it’s important to acknowledge the impact on you.

Reflecting on your own behaviour can help you change the relationship without ending it. Do you avoid conflict to keep the peace?

Try gently drawing attention to the imbalance without blame. For instance, you might say, “I’ve been doing most of the listening lately. Can we catch up on what’s going on with me, too?”

Friendships that feel one-sided often result in emotional exhaustion and resentment. Photo / 123RF

3. There’s always drama

Some people live under a perpetual cloud of chaos.

Whether it’s a workplace crisis, a family dispute, or a personal meltdown, there’s always something dominating their world and your conversations.

While it’s normal to support friends during tough times, when the drama is endless, it can become a pattern that drains your emotional reserves.

Sturmer highlights the concept of the “Drama Triangle” which consists of three roles: victim, rescuer, and persecutor.

“It’s useful to consider the role you may be playing. Emotionally draining friends often adopt the victim role, relying heavily on others to solve their problems. Over time, this creates a toxic dynamic where one person consistently gives advice and tries to rescue while the other remains resolutely helpless.”

Recognising this pattern is crucial. Instead of rushing in to offer solutions, step back and encourage them to take ownership. Asking something as simple as, “how do you think you might tackle this?” shifts the responsibility back to them, while still showing empathy.

4. They’re competitive, not supportive

Friendships should be a safe space where you can celebrate your successes without fear of jealousy or competition. But some friends seem incapable of sharing in your happiness. Perhaps you tell them about a promotion, and they respond by telling you about their latest success at work.

“Competitiveness in friendships often stems from insecurity,” explains Bell. “Instead of being happy for you, they compare themselves unfavourably and project that discomfort outward, sometimes as dismissiveness or passive aggression.”

To address it, avoid falling into the trap of downplaying your achievements. Instead, express how their response makes you feel. A simple “I was hoping we could celebrate this together, but your reaction surprised me” opens the door to an honest conversation.

Openly discussing a friend’s competitiveness can often lead to deeper understanding and connection. Photo / 123RF

5. They’re chronically negative

Does your friend always seem to find the cloud in every silver lining? While occasional venting is normal, chronic negativity can weigh heavily on your mental health. Studies show that negativity is quite literally contagious. Over time, your friend’s negativity will affect how you start to think and feel.

Bell warns: “Spending too much time with someone who constantly focuses on what’s wrong can subtly shift your own outlook”.

Try to redirect the conversation towards more neutral or positive topics he says. For instance, after acknowledging their concerns, you might say: “That sounds challenging; what’s been going well for you lately?”

This not only lightens the mood but also encourages them to consider a more balanced perspective. If there’s no let-up, in some cases it might be necessary to step back.

This doesn’t have to mean cutting ties entirely. Reducing the frequency of contact, or limiting the time spent discussing heavy topics, can help create space for healthier interactions.

Chronic negativity in a friend can influence your own outlook over time. Photo / 123RF

How to manage an emotionally draining friend

1. Set boundaries

Healthy friendships require boundaries, especially with friends who demand a lot of emotional energy. Decide what you’re comfortable giving and communicate this clearly. “You don’t have to justify your boundaries,” says Sturmer. “A simple, ‘I’m not going to talk about this right now,’ is enough.”

2. Focus on the dynamic, not the person

Instead of labelling your friend as “toxic”, think about the dynamic between you. Are you taking on the role of rescuer? Ask yourself – am I helping because I truly want to, or because I feel obliged?

This helps you identify whether you’re acting out of genuine care, or a sense of duty, that might stem from guilt or fear. It may be the dynamic that is toxic and you have control over the part you play. Stop rescuing.

Reducing time spent on heavy topics can help lighten emotionally draining friendships. Photo / 123RF

3. Decide when to walk away

Not all friendships are built to last. If you’ve tried to set boundaries and the dynamic hasn’t improved, it may be time to step back. This doesn’t have to be dramatic – a slow reduction in contact can often create the necessary distance.

Bell suggests: “Letting go of a draining friendship doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re prioritising your mental health, and that’s okay.”